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Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

0 posted 2003-12-17 11:13 PM

A hotel tag I keep in the drawer
no number there, nor on the key
which fits, as far as I've seen, no door.
But still I keep it close to me.

It's in the drawer, below boxers and socks,
Corroding gently against the grain.
The blank metal opens no locks
just sits there leaving brownish stain.

One day I know that things will change
When empty is found life's cup.
When figures on the plastic arrange
That's when my room number comes up.

Alicat
12-17-03

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

1 posted 2003-12-18 03:01 PM

you never cease to surprise me, Alicat. I loved the thought provoking aspect of this piece.. it really made me ponder things.

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

2 posted 2003-12-18 10:11 PM

Cool poem, a nice idea. You've started with some object - the key - and expanded on it to deal with the ultimate inevitability of death, this inevitability quite possibly contrasting with the idea that the key will never find its "number."

I did find that your transition to the discussion of death was a little too abrupt. Further, you could have added an "a" to the final line of the second stanza without terribly upseting your iambic quatrameter.

2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2
--Smit
My Creations

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

3 posted 2003-12-19 10:05 AM

Thanks Allysa.

Fractal, yeah it was a bit abrupt, but by design, and I do have a penchant for dropping articles. Just my way, I reckon.
Thanks for the critique.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2004-10-21 04:46 PM

A hotel tag I keep in the drawer
no number there, nor on the key
which fits, as far as I've seen, no door.
But still I keep it close to me.

~*~

Ali, may I share a story? An uncle by marriage took as his second wife a charming women who had seen her fair share of good and bad in life. They were very much in love, and she, all dressed in pink, from hat to shoes and accessories...looked forward to their honeymoon in Kansas City...

So much in love was she with him, that when he passed on a few years ago, she aged rapidly and declined to speak much again. Just a few months ago...she passed away. When we went to the viewing, there she was, looking almost as young again as the day they married, in her pink wedding dress...purse...and in the purse, was the key to their honeymoon suite...

Just thought I would share...

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

5 posted 2004-10-25 09:37 PM

I love your story addition, Karilea

~smiling~
M

Ratleader

Member Rara Avis

since 2003-01-23

Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass

6 posted 2006-10-01 01:48 AM

I know the very room....it is the key to a memory, a very special one that doesn't need to open, because part of you lives there.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

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