"A night I lay'd upon a bed of stones
And, numbering white masses, slid mine eyes
From waking life, into the land of lies
Which I'd been taught was naught but empty tones---
But when I stood, all time had melted 'way
And permanance cut visceral my doubt---
My vision hot, I thrust my gaze about
To find myself---A nearby child at play
Ran circles with a mighty swallow, twirling,
And laughing the sweet cry of Innocence:
He could not see as I---The heav'ns evinc'd
And I saw a vast smile in cloudlight swirling;
Though on the wind, white doves like leaflets falling,
Grave answer left the swallow to his calling."
Your mastery with the language quite often leaves me envious (as you know--because I tell you this all the time)
Yet in this particular sonnet I find some of the meter rather forced (the repetitive use of the word "And" at the beginning of several lines)
and? (chuckles and wink) I did find this line just a bit awkward to my tongue:
"He could not see as I---The heav'ns evinc'd"
I would love it if you'd explain your choices to me however, because (in spite of what you think) while I understand syllable count--I have trouble with "stresses".
So...smile, take any criticism I offer with the grain of salt of understanding that it is offered not in the belief that I am RIGHT, but more in hopes that you might educate me.
And? (<---still teasing you) even as is, I can only hope to write this well some day.
And? (somebody stop me)
that last line is superb.