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Passions in Poetry

Sonnet IX

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Local Parasite
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0 posted 10-20-2003 12:53 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Sonnet IX
on waking from a dream

A night I lay'd upon a bed of stones
  And, numbering white masses, slid mine eyes
  From waking life, into the land of lies
Which I'd been taught was naught but empty tones---
But when I stood, all time had melted 'way
  And permanance cut visceral my doubt---
  My vision hot, I thrust my gaze about
To find myself---A nearby child at play
Ran circles with a mighty swallow, twirling,
  And laughing the sweet cry of Innocence:
  He could not see as I---The heav'ns evinc'd
And I saw a vast smile in cloudlight swirling;
   Though on the wind, white doves like leaflets falling,
   Grave answer left the swallow to his calling.
© Copyright 2003 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
Allysa
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In an upside-down garden


1 posted 10-20-2003 02:51 PM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allysa

To find myself -- a nearby child at play
ran circles with a mighty swallow, twirling
and laughing the sweet cry of Innocence.


I actually read the sonnet before reading the heading ( on waking from a dream ) and you've described this wonderfully.  I have a personal interpretation, however, that may be shared at a later time.

Wind
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2 posted 10-20-2003 03:46 PM       View Profile for Wind   Email Wind   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Wind


everything about this fits perfectly. I think it came off a little edgier than most things I have read by you, but then the second time eased me down a little.

I think I'm just a little hyper. I get that way when I haven't slept much.

some of these lines really stood out to me with a faintly nostalgic feeling. but I hate to choose favorites.



What about China? Have you seen the Great Wall?
All walls are great, if the roof doesn't fall.
-yorke/bjork

[This message has been edited by Wind (10-20-2003 03:47 PM).]

serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


3 posted 10-20-2003 04:56 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

"A night I lay'd upon a bed of stones
  And, numbering white masses, slid mine eyes
  From waking life, into the land of lies
Which I'd been taught was naught but empty tones---
But when I stood, all time had melted 'way
  And permanance cut visceral my doubt---
  My vision hot, I thrust my gaze about
To find myself---A nearby child at play
Ran circles with a mighty swallow, twirling,
  And laughing the sweet cry of Innocence:
  He could not see as I---The heav'ns evinc'd
And I saw a vast smile in cloudlight swirling;
   Though on the wind, white doves like leaflets falling,
   Grave answer left the swallow to his calling."

Your mastery with the language quite often leaves me envious (as you know--because I tell you this all the time)

Yet in this particular sonnet I find some of the meter rather forced (the repetitive use of the word "And" at the beginning of several lines)

and? (chuckles and wink) I did find this line just a bit awkward to my tongue:

"He could not see as I---The heav'ns evinc'd"

I would love it if you'd explain your choices to me however, because (in spite of what you think) while I understand syllable count--I have trouble with "stresses".

So...smile, take any criticism I offer with the grain of salt of understanding that it is offered not in the belief that I am RIGHT, but more in hopes that you might educate me.

And? (<---still teasing you) even as is, I can only hope to write this well some day.

And? (somebody stop me)
that last line is superb.
Brad Majors
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4 posted 11-13-2003 12:52 PM       View Profile for Brad Majors   Email Brad Majors   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad Majors

well done
Deep_Inside
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since 02-14-2002
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i can't stop hiding


5 posted 11-14-2003 12:20 PM       View Profile for Deep_Inside   Email Deep_Inside   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Deep_Inside

this was well written i really like it.

i haven't seem much of anything here but i do hope to see more. keep writing

when you live you begin to die
when you die memories of you life lives in others
when memories of you begin to fade
you truly begin to die

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