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Passions in Poetry

Diane fades this night

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bsquirrel
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since 01-03-2000
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0 posted 08-20-2003 01:02 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for bsquirrel


The motion I notice --
your dim eyes closing,
limned in swallowed light.

Your hands fall free,
open palms down.
Empty.

Your body relaxed,
deeper and deeper,
loosening, sliding back.

Paint pooling on the surface
of a clear, clean, glass-topped table.

From your mouth,
your dull teeth gleam.
A cruel reminding constellation

of mortality.
Of hunger and need.
Fulfillment and relapse.

There are no words
that turn to stars.
The sounds of sleep --
your breath in rest.

Your will and sadness.
Each exhalation
reminds the clock its purpose.
© Copyright 2003 MPC - All Rights Reserved
Allysa
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since 11-09-1999
Posts 2307
In an upside-down garden


1 posted 08-20-2003 01:20 PM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allysa

Mmmmmm.

I've been sitting here for ten minutes trying to think of something to say that expresses the feelings that this has stirred up in my head, but I can't accurately describe them.  

From your mouth,
your dull teeth gleam.
A cruel reminding constellation

of mortality.
Of hunger and need.
Fulfillment and relapse.


I love those lines.
Cpat Hair
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Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
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2 posted 08-20-2003 04:26 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

such fades are reminders at times that now matter how young...or how alive..we are all mortal and all have limits... we all.. are walking but for a moment on this face of time...

as usual... nicely done with a sense of macabre and directness in observation that is tempered with a talent for imagery and abstract.

Wind
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since 10-12-2002
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3 posted 08-21-2003 09:13 AM       View Profile for Wind   Email Wind   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Wind

simply putting it, I hate time but loved this poem. Time always wins, and I don't think it can be fixed. thanks for writing this.

insanity is not a crime

fractal007
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since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


4 posted 08-22-2003 12:11 AM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

Whoa!  I loved this poem.  Your use of artistic language in describing the passing of life is masterful.  I find, however, that stanzas five and six break away from the form of the rest of the poem, in which each part of the picture you've painted for us is kept in a seperate stanza.  This does create a break in the style and technique used in the preceeding stanzas.  It is somewhat unsettling to me.  But that could just be me.

But perhaps you have broken from the previous stanzas so as to set the reader up for the next portion of the poem.  

In any case, I really liked the poem overall, especially the last stanza.  Your first few stanzas are also quite well done.

2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2
--Smit
My Creations

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 03-02-2003
Posts 9998
New York


5 posted 08-22-2003 12:31 AM       View Profile for littlewing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for littlewing

Mikey,

and in death . . . we find beauty
xxoo
Kaoru
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since 06-07-2003
Posts 3888
where the wild flowers grow


6 posted 08-22-2003 01:37 AM       View Profile for Kaoru   Email Kaoru   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kaoru

woah....
bsquirrel
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7 posted 08-22-2003 11:47 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Is it a poem of death in the moonlight, or is a poem of moonlight itself (think "Diane")? Thanks for reading, all.
littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 03-02-2003
Posts 9998
New York


8 posted 08-22-2003 02:06 PM       View Profile for littlewing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for littlewing

HA! and I thought you were speaking of a woman . . . *smile*
Wind
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since 10-12-2002
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9 posted 08-22-2003 04:02 PM       View Profile for Wind   Email Wind   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Wind

Diane is the godess of the moon. I think he is speaking of the phases of the moon. the 'fading' is the moon waneing. reminds the clock its  purpose. maybee I'm wrong? the moon can show us a lot about time though.

insanity is not a crime

 
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