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Passions in Poetry

Sonnet for Patricia Charbonneau

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Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


0 posted 08-11-2003 01:44 AM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

I see an artist in the frown---and eyes
  That lazily up-wander the high tree
  Of merchantile abundance, but to flee
For purer knowledge than the clotted skies
That so deny her---for she nothing cries
  But wonders at the clutch of gravity
  Upon the wingless who must, grounded, see
Away from her once doubly-blinding guise;
That she so braces tight her knees, and seeks
  Repentance for her monetary days
    Instills sincerer tears that yet beguile
A landscape of description on her cheeks
  Which strikes mine own---I, in submissive ways,
    Respond her winter with an errant smile.

[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (08-11-2003 12:02 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 03-02-2003
Posts 9998
New York


1 posted 08-11-2003 01:28 PM       View Profile for littlewing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for littlewing

Brian,
this is the most endearing, in-depth and heartfelt display of the soul of one extremely special lady.  Through your words, you have unleashed a gentle spirit residing within the both of you and I want you to know that this masterpiece is only but a small glimpse of the man and woman who lead each other, hand in hand, through the "clotted skies" . . .

I am breathless and this is beauty, to me it is . . .

You will go far in this life, of this I am sure
*smile*
xxoo    
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


2 posted 08-11-2003 03:24 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

LP,

You must be a poet, because you make credit card debt beautiful.

Astounded.
Allysa
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-09-1999
Posts 2307
In an upside-down garden


3 posted 08-11-2003 03:40 PM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allysa

I am having a (erm) darn hard time thinking of how to express my feelings towards this, Brian.  I can only now say that I enjoyed these lines:  

Instills sincerer tears that yet beguile
A landscape of description on her cheeks
Which strikes mine own---I, in submissive ways,
Respond her winter with an errant smile.

and tell you that you are awesome, which you already know, and that I am adding this to my library..

Until later, dear...

"As a group, no one would call poets a particularly bubbly, chipper group."
James Pennebaker (psych prof.)

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


4 posted 08-11-2003 04:06 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Upon the wingless who must, grounded, see
Away from her once doubly-blinding guise;
That she so braces tight her knees, and seeks
  Repentance for her monetary days

~*~

Now it is I smiling at Your critique message...seems you're not really asking for one, either.  Got to love them that just want to know how it strikes, hey?

And these lines struck me well.  You painted her so well with these few lines, that I could see her out there in the sun...

You are one of the few, Brian, that make me wish I had a better grasp of everything.  If only to be able to say thank you in a better way.

Mom
Nicole
Senior Member
since 06-23-99
Posts 1896
Florida


5 posted 08-11-2003 09:45 PM       View Profile for Nicole   Email Nicole   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Nicole

I love very well done meter and rhyme that don't sound like something that came off of a cookie cutter press.  To quote, "This does not dissapoint."  On the contrary, it has a very light and lilting quality that I think this form deserves.

I really enjoyed how you used formatting to create the 'mind-ambiance' that perfectly fits the words, and sets a cool, clear mood.

Your pauses "---" are perfectly placed.  I love to use them myself.  I think I enjoy great meter and rhyme because I'm not very good with it myself at all, and I have to say that your punctuation was used very well indeed to create the right cadence and meter.  I had no trouble reading, no stumbles.

Very well done, as I have come to expect from you.  Much enjoyed!

Nicole
Rainee
Junior Member
since 04-19-2003
Posts 10


6 posted 08-18-2003 01:09 AM       View Profile for Rainee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Rainee

Very interesting poem LP, it's quiet a challenge to try and imagine characters who tend to be the center of some of your poems. You highlight the small details about them that you find different. intriguing and neat in a way. Personally I don't find this your best poem, but nevertheless, it's still quiet well written.
fallen in love with the lines:


But wonders at the clutch of gravity
  Upon the wingless who must, grounded, see.


It was probably one of the strongest in the whole poem, if you really think about it. "Upon the wingless" you always menadge to remind me... YOU sir are a poet.....
          Bravo!

Keep writing LP, I won't forget to look

~Rainee
gemjop
Member Elite
since 11-18-2002
Posts 2663
Pencilveinia, USA


7 posted 08-18-2003 06:56 PM       View Profile for gemjop   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for gemjop

This is so classy, i could take it home to meet my mother, or the queen.

I can see the depth of soul and use of minds eye in this and it is beautiful to read indeed.

I hope to read more of you Brian. but for now, I'll make my fist addition of you to my library.

Instant karma's gonna get you.

fractal007
Member Elite
since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


8 posted 08-21-2003 11:52 PM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

I liked the imagery and metaphor used in this poem.  Once again, you've demonstrated yourself highly capable with a classic form.

2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2
--Smit
My Creations

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