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Passions in Poetry

Face Against A Window

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Allysa
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-09-1999
Posts 2307
In an upside-down garden


0 posted 07-30-2003 10:45 PM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Allysa

Not yet old enough
to face the darkness
alone she wanders through it
everynight
shadows no longer startle her,
no, it is the sky
as empty as a forgotten love
that disrupts her calm stare
capturing her cucumber cool
and dancing dangerously
through a raspberry rain.

Whatever it was, she lost it
through the tunnel from
the hole in her pocket
to the incision in her heart
it slipped away like soap
or perhaps in the form
of lime jello jigglers
the ones forgotten in the fridge
untouched and simply forgotten

Too bland to make an impact
she introduces herself five times
to the same people who melt like m&ms
only they leave a mess in your palm.

She presses her nose against a window
maybe if she leaves an indent
they will remember who she was
when she simply fades away
into the land of the Care Bears
and Strawbery Shortcake
she sifts through childrens' cartoons
in an attempt to find meaning in life.

Someone needs to grab her hand
pull her out of the mud
but no one's willing to stick out there neck
to save a girl from the mangos,
not even an umbrella can keep out
the sugar coated rain in this world,
there are too many holes to cover up
and not enough peanut butter plaster.

Deep in the down under
they hide beneath kangaroos
and kalamazoo seems too far
for her to walk to,
but she needs to escape
Loneliness eats her slowly
sipping on bodily fluids
and eating internal organs
packed neatly in a lunch box.

The only thing she left behind
was a breath mark on the window
and an imprint of her face in the mud
she's the one no one wants to see
and they won't notice she's gone
until the smudges fade away.


(still, not much better, but it's a work in progress)


[This message has been edited by Allysa (07-31-2003 02:16 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 Allysa - All Rights Reserved
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


1 posted 07-31-2003 11:34 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Not yet old enough
to face the darkness
alone she wanders through it
everynight
shadows no longer startle her,
no, it is the sky
as empty as a forgotten love
that disrupts her calm stare

capturing her cucumber cool
and dancing dangerously
through a raspberry rain.

Whatever it was, she lost it
through the tunnel from
the hole in her pocket
to the incision in her heart

=============================

Too bland to make an impact
she introduces herself five times
to the same people
who melt like m&ms
only they leave a mess in your palm.

==============================

The only thing she left behind
was a breath mark on the window
and an imprint of her face in the mud
she's the one no one wants to see
and they won't notice she's gone
until the smudges fade away.



===============================


Youve used some very cool, original themes and metaphors in this..as well as unique imagery and personification.
Since you indicate this is still in progress and youre not yet satisfied...may I suggest you try and tighten it up...stay with one main theme and conflict, too many metaphors will distract from what you want the poem to convey...You might even have 2 separate poems here...one with the girl and window metaphors and images...(I really like the melancholy edge you created about her)
and another with the food and fantasy themes.
You have some very cool lines in this...keep working with it.
Well done poetess Allysa

"How could I stand here with you and not be moved by you."

LH

Allysa
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-09-1999
Posts 2307
In an upside-down garden


2 posted 08-07-2003 12:37 PM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allysa

Um, thanks.  I appreciate the advice, and I thought about rewriting it, but I just can't.  I like it the way it is, so I think that's how it'll stay.  But thanks much for reading and everything.

"As a group, no one would call poets a particularly bubbly, chipper group."
James Pennebaker (psych prof.)

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


3 posted 08-08-2003 03:08 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

I think your imagery is a bit inconsistent.  You wrote a poem about loneliness and negative emotions but the images you chose were bright and colourful, not to mention flavourful... I know you have this affinity for candy imagery but I don't know if it's quite appropriate in this poem in particular.  Sometimes it seems a little gaudy.

I do, however, like the ending.  The poem overall could use some more work to tighten itself up, as JM said, but I disagree with her that the amount of metaphor is the problem.  I think the nature of the metaphor is what makes them seem like an eyesore.

Until your next,

Brian

Faith is a fine invention
When gentlemen can see
But microscopes are prudent
In an emergency.
~~~Emily Dickinson

Child of the Stars
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 09-07-2000
Posts 1972
Ann Arbor, MI


4 posted 08-13-2003 09:51 AM       View Profile for Child of the Stars   Email Child of the Stars   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Child of the Stars

I liked the imagery...For one, it sets the poem apart from any other 'dark' piece by bringing in something unexpected. And more importantly, it gives that extra dimension...I think without it, no one would realize how absolutely torn the narrator is. I mean, come on. "Peanut butter plaster." Is that perfect or what?

Oh yeah, Kalamazoo, Michigan? I might end up going to school there...

"How inimitably graceful children are in general before they learn to dance!"
           --Samuel Taylor Coleridge

 
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