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Passions in Poetry

River Red

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Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


0 posted 04-13-2003 03:58 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

O river Red, thy limbs are sore
Thou snake and sleeping carnivore
'Neath bridges built to circumvent
Thy vein--thou wand'rest, outward bent
And inward twisted--rolling o'er
The cemetary of before
O river Red, thy limbs are sore.

O river Red, thy surf is dry
December hath the summer dye
Denied thee--and the viscous white
Of winter doth assail thy plight
What in that river dwell'th, that I
Could not unveil its mystery?
O river Red, thy surf is dry.

O river Red, uphold thy freeze
Thy pride doth, simple slumber, sieze:
Upon thy snowy cover
I wander'd once--I and my lover
Amidst the brushes and the trees
Thou holdest--there I cast my pleas
O river Red, uphold thy freeze.

O river Red, thy heart is fill'd
With mercy, though thy flow is still'd
And standing with a welcome path
Where that warm bed of true love hath
An opportune event instill'd
That love 'could, 'pon thy surface, build
O river Red, thy heart is fill'd.

But river Red, that orange plate
Of spring, thy surf, did desolate
Spew'd forth its flames upon thy skin,
The turbid warmth that e'er doth spin
To summer--and thy current spate
And flew my lover thro' a hate
That whisper'd me--embrace thy fate.

O river Red, thou flowest free
And ne'er again shalt cry for me
Though sorrow's hail, mine eyes, doth pelt
The future thou didst will to be
Was drown'd in noble constancy
And fortune singeth not for thee--
On my return, I watch'd my river melt.


[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (04-13-2003 05:38 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
Marshalzu
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 02-15-2001
Posts 4465
Lurking


1 posted 04-13-2003 04:31 PM       View Profile for Marshalzu   Email Marshalzu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marshalzu's Home Page   View IP for Marshalzu

I really enjoyed reading this, you have used such beautiful imagery and as usual it is so wonderfully crafted. Thanks for sharing it with us
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


2 posted 04-15-2003 10:34 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

  OH MY OH MY OH MY!!!!!!!!
   The moth is GIDDY!!!!

You wrote about seasons in change!!!!!!


and...I'll be back...
I gotta leave for a bit
and this poem of rhymes divine
deserves much more mothy worship  ...
So...I'll be back to bug ya some more

Ocean wrapped around the sun
Sky fell down & pulled us in
stole away my oxygen...
left me breathless there with you.

SH

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


3 posted 04-15-2003 06:58 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Im baaaaaaack  
~~~~~


O river Red, thy limbs are sore
Thou snake and sleeping carnivore
'Neath bridges built to circumvent
Thy vein--thou wand'rest, outward bent
And inward twisted--rolling o'er
The cemetary of before
O river Red, thy limbs are sore.

O river Red, thy surf is dry
December hath the summer dye
Denied thee--and the viscous white
Of winter doth assail thy plight
What in that river dwell'th, that I
Could not unveil its mystery?
O river Red, thy surf is dry.

==================================
But river Red, that orange plate
Of spring, thy surf, did desolate
Spew'd forth its flames upon thy skin,
The turbid warmth that e'er doth spin
To summer--and thy current spate
And flew my lover thro' a hate
That whisper'd me--embrace thy fate.

O river Red, thou flowest free
And ne'er again shalt cry for me
Though sorrow's hail, mine eyes, doth pelt
The future thou didst will to be
Was drown'd in noble constancy
And fortune singeth not for thee--
On my return, I watch'd my river melt.

================================

It was real hard to sequester certain verses from the others as each belonged together in the sequence of seasons, imagery and theme you have created in this masterpiece of poetic phrasing, language, vocabulary, images, personification and superb rhyme meter.
I was high off the cadence as I read this aloud...and each time I read this, I see more than the time before...your use of personifi and metaphor in this is sheer poetic brilliance....and one need only read your opening verse to see what I am talking about..the imagery and analogy along with the above mentioned is genius....just look at all the terms you found to personifi the river and create the conflict and drama of your theme.
There are SO MANY cool lines in this that I was smiling as I read it and shaking my head at your peotic tenacity and how it is that you write these seamless outstanding gems of pen and make it look effortless...Like breathing and second skin for you.
And as mentioned above...I adore the references and images of the seasons effect on the river and the emote.
This ones going in my library to study ... how to write like a master.
Love the repetative lines and the rhyme scheme as well. And as always your mastery of language and vocabulary is always impressive.

And ya just gotta love lines like these:

'Neath bridges built to circumvent

The cemetary of before

December hath the summer dye
Denied thee--and the viscous white

But river Red, that orange plate
Of spring, thy surf, did desolate
Spew'd forth its flames upon thy skin,
The turbid warmth that e'er doth spin


So..do ya talk like this in your sleep?
me thinks ya can write like this in your sleep. me thinks ya snore in cadence LOL

VERY VERY WELL Done poet Bri!!
Do you turn these in at college? I'd love to hear what your professors say....
do they wear mothy worship knee pads?  


Now...off to file this in me library..under B for Brian...or is that Brilliant?


Ocean wrapped around the sun
Sky fell down & pulled us in
stole away my oxygen
left me breathless in the blue
left me breathless there with you.

[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (04-15-2003 06:59 PM).]

JP
Senior Member
since 05-25-99
Posts 1391
Loomis, CA


4 posted 04-16-2003 10:40 AM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

OMG!

Absolutely wonderful!  I am truly impressed and pleased to be so... fabulous work, thank you for putting a bit of joy in my day today.

Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
Nil Desperandum, Fata viem invenient

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


5 posted 04-16-2003 11:21 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Is multiple reads considered worship or stalking?  rofl

oh I know...its just mothyme bugging ya ....
from one bug to another.
fractal007
Member Elite
since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


6 posted 04-19-2003 04:38 AM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

This poem sings beautifully.  It's an ingenious use of personification to describe both the Red River and the state of your relationship.  I can see your reading of romantic poetry has paid off.  

I daresay you might like to see about pushing this poem elsewhere and getting it into a local poetry journal over there in Winnipeg.  The people of Manitoba and indeed those of Canada, would likely enjoy it deeply.

2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2
--Smit
My Creations

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


7 posted 04-19-2003 01:40 PM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Brian~
This is a masterly crafted piece~
The lilting flow just takes the reader on a trip right down that river-of-life~
Marvelous !
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


8 posted 04-20-2003 11:37 AM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Zu - I'm glad you liked this one.  Thanks for reading.

JM - Oh you... you know you always make me grin, right?     I'm really glad that you approve... I was thinking you might like this one because of the seasons-in-change thing.  I admit I was thinking of you a little bit when I came up with this one.  For the most part, the inspiration was my view out the bus window on my way to school of the Red River melting, and the fact that it always reminded me of my first love, who took one last walk with me on the river just this winter... and then after that, we hardly spoke again.  But while it happened, it was as though everything was okay... we held hands, kissed... kind of painful to remember every time I see the river again.

I wrote this because of the symbolism of a melting river... how it denied me even a glimpse of what happened... made it impossible to look out and imagine things as they were.  I tried my best to capture that, but I don't know if I succeeded... I wanted a less personal, more vague description of the river as such.

Again, flattered you so enjoyed it.  And no, you're not a stalker until you start sending me flowers.

JP - I'm really glad you enjoyed reading this.  I brightened your day?  Hey, I don't do that for many people, glad to know I could give you a smile... thanks for reading, and thanks for your involvement in Sanctuary.

Frac - So you really caught the "state of my relationship" aspect, did you?  I'm glad to know I didn't shroud it too terribly much that nobody could quite see the importance of that.  You're one of those deep readers, heh... I'm not going to repeat my story of how this was written, but yes, the river does run with my relationship and melts to give me a loss of hope.

As for being published... I don't know, I might have the chance to do that if I get accepted into the creative writing program at my university... I know for a fact that there are many creative writing journals floating around the school, I could likely become involved in one of those.  Thanks for your support.  

Marge - I always get excited when I see a reply from you, because that means you saw my  name and deemed me worthy of a peek, and a reply.  I'm glad you enjoyed this, and I hope everything's going well with you.

Again, thanks everyone... I'm happy to see this one is getting good feedback.

Parasite

God becomes as
we are that we
may be as he
is
~William Blake

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