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Passions in Poetry

Splendor in Deceit

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knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 04-14-2001
Posts 950
obscured vision


0 posted 01-30-2003 03:21 AM       View Profile for knightlyshadows   Email knightlyshadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for knightlyshadows


rip, t-e-a-r me apart
with your kind, gentle words.
break me down, like only you can do.

travel through my shadow-mind,
sip and dine on my closed eyes.
shelter me in a mist of lies,
wreck havoc on my fallen dreams.

kiss, l-o-v-e me, oh so tender
with your warm, harsh hands.
build me up, like you always do.

voyage in my tepid soul,
roam through my wasteland thoughts.
ravage me in a haze of deceit,
make me love you even as I hate.

(oi, this sucks. it's getting back to my lame writtings. *sigh*)


A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.
"You can't fight the tears that aren't coming.."

[This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (01-30-2003 03:33 AM).]

© Copyright 2003 Tiffany Durham - All Rights Reserved
Brad Majors
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 04-03-2001
Posts 2735
Georgia


1 posted 01-30-2003 01:10 PM       View Profile for Brad Majors   Email Brad Majors   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad Majors

I really enjoyed this one!
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


2 posted 01-30-2003 03:15 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

You didn't like this?  I thought it was alright, but I think maybe your problem is that you use too much imperative.  Maybe stand back and fill in the gaps with some description, metaphor, whatever most tickles you.  

I still like this, but you're right that it could use improvement.  Try to give each point a bit more substance.  Each line in this poem could be its own stanza, if you really went nuts with it...

Brian

"Faith" means the will to avoid knowing what is true.
~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

fractal007
Member Elite
since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


3 posted 02-02-2003 05:04 AM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

Interesting poem.  It somewhat reminded me of the ocean and it's continuous tides coming in and out.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 05-22-2002
Posts 1680
Washington State


4 posted 02-02-2003 12:05 PM       View Profile for Kellie_Cantrell   Email Kellie_Cantrell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kellie_Cantrell

I really like the layout of the words. Very good poem!

(`.) (`.)
  .(`.).
     *`..*
    Love Always
       Kellie

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