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Passions in Poetry

Lovers on a Winter Walk, or Finding a Body in the Woods

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bsquirrel
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Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


0 posted 01-20-2003 02:47 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for bsquirrel

Snow's cold light
intense as knives.
Our breaths balloon away from us.

Moonlit shade
and streaming shapes
over the ground's icy crust.

Black tree glass.
Frosted paths.
Your eyes are gray-green stony lights.

From your sight
I see myself.
Words wait in your wine-red mouth.
© Copyright 2003 MPC - All Rights Reserved
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


1 posted 01-20-2003 03:28 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Oh, I like... let me read it once more in topic-review.

I would have liked more description of the lover/dead body, but otherwise, interesting notion... I especially like "breaths balloon away from us," and that double-meaning about loss of breath (the dead body simply dies and the person discovering it is breathless from shock).  

I like the poetic rings of this one more than your coffee poem, but think the duality isn't so nicely exaggerated as it was in the coffee one... oh well... each has its own merits.  Personally I like this one more, maybe because it didn't catch me off guard and cause me to mourn the loss of a beautiful love poem...

Parasite

"Faith" means the will to avoid knowing what is true.
~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


2 posted 01-20-2003 03:33 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Glad you enjoyed, LP. See, to me "My love" was about codependence more than love. My best love poem (and one that won $50 some time back) is "A kiss (tears and sadness optional)" I've never come close since at describing a relationship, probably because that poem was written right after a break-up, and was meant for a girl who had been a friend whom I had started falling in love with (Lori).
wranx
Member Elite
since 06-07-2002
Posts 3778
Moved from a shack to a barn


3 posted 01-20-2003 03:48 PM       View Profile for wranx   Email wranx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for wranx

Squirrel dude.
Love AND fifty bucks?

Don't get much better.

Nice one Mikey

Ed
pagethatwritesme
Junior Member
since 07-13-2002
Posts 14


4 posted 01-23-2003 12:48 AM       View Profile for pagethatwritesme   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for pagethatwritesme

as i think of most of your stuff, i think the same with this:

when i read aloud and to myself it sounds alright, the sound of it, but completely lacks in any sort of clarity.  basically, the words sound good together but mean absolutely nothing to me.

and i fail to see what the last half of the title has to do with anything in the piece.

cliches' and abstractions are bad bad things.  in all sincerity, sorry i couldn't be more positive about it.

page
~~~~~

"a pretty girl never lights her own cigarette."
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


5 posted 01-23-2003 11:41 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Thanks for your non-constructive comments, page. I'll be sure to ignore them. Thanks for readin'!
fractal007
Member Elite
since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


6 posted 02-17-2003 10:11 PM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

An interesting poem and one that's set up so that it can be read from so many different perspectives.  Your introductory lines:

  Snow's cold light
  intense as knives.
  Our breaths balloon away from us. "

do a great job at setting up an image that is both morbid and all too typical of winter nights.

The river-like imagery in the next stanza is well done:

  Moonlit shade
  and streaming shapes
  over the ground's icy crust.

The next portion is also fascinating, with its comparison between two very different images:

  Black tree glass.
  Frosted paths.
  Your eyes are gray-green stony lights.

The last line there can be taken either as conveying a sense of beauty or a morbid image, with the grey-green stones.

Finally, the poem ends with a fascinating climax:

From your sight
I see myself.
Words wait in your wine-red mouth.

The ending is quite haunting and the last line gives the reader a sense of unwanted resignation.

All in all, a very cool poem and one that will be going into my library.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


7 posted 02-21-2003 06:48 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Glad you enjoyed, fractal. You see, I had just seen David Lynch's Blue Velvet the previous evening, and its duality affected me.
 
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