How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Sanctuary
 Poetic Haven
 Old Woman Challenge
 1 2 3 4 5
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Poet deVine, Martie   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Old Woman Challenge

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


0 posted 01-10-2003 10:57 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Poet deVine


***


Old woman
She’s looking out a window
Waiting for someone?
There’s a hankie in her hand
She looks sad
Maybe she’s been crying
She’s wearing black,
Could be a day of a funeral?
No wedding ring –
No husband?
No indentation
Must be a spinster


Ok..

Poem:
He’ll never come up the front walk again
Never ring the bell
He’ll never call out
“time for the buffet”
never tell her she still
looks ‘swell’

they were best friends
forever
grew up on the same block
she took care of his children
and held his hand
during his widower’s shock

then he married another
she smiled at his happy face
and still she waited to tell him
she loved him
with all her grace

they knew each other for 70 years
and never once could she
bring herself to tell him
that she loved him in a way
more than a brother
more than she could say

today she said the words aloud
as she sat in the family pew
they buried the only man
she’d ever loved


==
Ok..it needs more flow

She stares at the front walk
Knowing he’ll never walk that way
Never ring the bell
He’ll never call out
“time for the get away”
never tell her it’s Seniors Tuesday
at the local ‘Country Buffet’

Never tell her she’s looking good
Better than when they were young
Never hold her hand for support
Never make her smile
With his sassy tongue

they were best friends forever
grew up on the same block
she took care of his children
and held his hand
during his widower’s shock

then he married another
she smiled at his happy face
and still she waited to tell him
she loved him with all her grace


they knew each other for 70 years
she loved him with all her heart
but never could she say the words
the role of friend was her part

today she told him she loved him
as she sat in the family pew
today they buried the only man
her heart’s love ever knew

***

I'm not sure I'm done with this yet, but I wanted to let you know what I was looking for with this challenge.


[This message has been edited by Poet deVine (01-10-2003 10:58 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 Poet deVine - All Rights Reserved
knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 04-14-2001
Posts 950
obscured vision


1 posted 01-11-2003 06:53 PM       View Profile for knightlyshadows   Email knightlyshadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for knightlyshadows

:/ that's so sad.. and i love that picture. did you get it off the net, or is it a real pic of yours?

quote:
they knew each other for 70 years
she loved him with all her heart
but never could she say the words
the role of friend was her part

today she told him she loved him
as she sat in the family pew
today they buried the only man
her heart’s love ever knew


I liked your last version of it better, though they were all good. I loved seeing your steps of writting. It's interesting to see how another poet writes.

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

..You can't fight the tears that aren't coming..

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


2 posted 01-11-2003 07:01 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

The picture is from a software graphics program.

Looking at the picture and taking note of what's in it is one way to write a poem..another is association with our own memories. I could relate this to my grandma but since there was no wedding ring I thought she was a spinster.
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


3 posted 01-12-2003 02:19 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

(edit in - by "the first one," I mean everything after "poem:".  Just to clarify.)

You were wrong when you said "needs more flow."  The first one had cadence, the uneven lines didn't require any regulation really because the rhyme was enough to bring them together and give them a connective flow.  It's more spoken than your revision beneath it, which is what I think is more appropriate to the poem's content.

I found the first one more touching than the second, probably because of that spoken flow.

Think I might take you up on this challenge.  Sharpening my pencil.  

Parasite


"Faith" means the will to avoid knowing what is true.
~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (01-12-2003 02:21 PM).]

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


4 posted 01-12-2003 02:41 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

So I shouldn't 'edit' my poetry? The first write was just that...I wrote it pretty much without thinking. Then I went back and read it and changed it to the second one. Am I second guessing myself too much?
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


5 posted 01-12-2003 03:28 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

You just might be.

Usually I'd agree with the edit, but like I said, I just happened to prefer the spoken flow of the first one.

Try not to think of flow as something that's either good or bad... think of how appropriate it is to the poem.  For example, if you wrote this as a limerick, it would certainly devastate the tone, even if it had enhanced flow.

Flow is key to tone.

Parasite
 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Sanctuary >> Poetic Haven >> Old Woman Challenge Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors