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In response to Janet Marie's "Scraps"
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In response to Janet Marie's "Scraps" |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855
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Beach ache The sea calls the sand, wets the sky clay. Brings the ships and floats the birds -- both words -- worlds away. * Loneliness as a game of need Lick the sweat off the dice. Sketch an eye in blood and cards. Clasp the chair arm tight and roll. Deal away your digging spade. * Shuttering the light Gray slats construct a view from which to watch the street. Through a window growing dusk, glass and dust and sounds repeat. Texture of the wood as light this late. * Two hearts pumping air Shudder from the swollen cave. Warm and empty sheets of rain. [This message has been edited by bsquirrel (01-08-2003 06:34 PM).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
The sea calls the sand, wets the sky clay. ========================== thank you Mikey    ~*~  Moths dont care if the flame is real |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
You're so welcome. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Very cool, Mikey... Beach Ache - I love this exploration of the sea, the water, the things you attribute to it, the tasks you observe in it... very simple, with a nice little rhyme to it that just helps it flow along. The play on words/birds/worlds at the end is clever. B+ Loneliness as a game of need - almost trochaic! Almost.  Good enough though. I like the last line, how we deal off that "digging spade" when it's all we have, but we realize it is inadequate. Loneliness as a game of need - which becomes a game of desire, which becomes a competition for the most desirable. Dealing away the digging spade is a good way of putting it. I like this. AShuttering the Light - Seems you became a bit awestruck by the light through your dirty windows. Light behaves differently in the window, in the morning, on the wood, but I don't see what you're driving at. I keep looking but all I can find is the comparison between the indoors and the outdoors, texture of wood as light this late - dusk does not affect the indoor world? A window growing dusk - your window to the outside shows you the effects of light dwindling in the evening? Hard to read, but I might just be an idiot. B+ Two hearts pumping air - I like the idea of two hearts pumping air. Goes nice with warm and empty sheets of rain... something that is evident, but inherently meaningless. You can hear the heart beating, but it beats nothing more than air. Saying two hearts implies a relationship that has this emptiness, as does the connotative value of "heart." I like how vague this is, but equally, how true it is. A+  Parasite It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
 I PASSED!  As for "Shuttering the light," it's about a shut in, basically, who's afraid to put himself OUTSIDE of the glass, and would rather just see the view from inside without interaction, and therefore without any new experience. Someone afraid of the messiness of life. And I d'nah, I just think it's cool that someone thinks of wood as the texture of light, 'cause that's all they really know. |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
You must be honored to have Professor Brian giving you your grades. He'd grade me, but he'd tire of writing big read F's! Nice scraps! I really liked the first one the best, however. Just reeks of lonliness and sadness and the end of good things... great stuff in poetry, you know! Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.--Jesus Christ |
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