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Scraps

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Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


0 posted 01-08-2003 12:48 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Janet Marie

Bypass

Anyone know the number to
the Wizard?
Wasn't he the one that gave
the tin man a heart?

Is there a doctor in the house?
I need a bypass.
You see, I left my heart back
there on the beach and now
I have to learn how
to live without it.


jm
1/7/03

~~~


Irony


In a game of poetic word play came the query,
"Define yourself in one word?"

"Lonely."

That's me, in a word.
The proverbial "lonely in a crowd."
I cant ever remember a time
that I haven't felt owned by it.

How ironic now
comes this realization ...

In a lifetime of feeling unrequited,
left behind ... on my own,
(now putting into words what my
heart has always known)

If I cant be with you ...
I'd rather be alone.


jm
7/28/02
~~~


If one could actually die
from loneliness ...
I'd of been gone a long time ago.

As the years go by
I've come to realise ...
lonely is just another word
for dying slow.


~~~


Too many people speak of "love" ...
they act like it comes for free.

Tonight I said I loved you
but you didn't answer me.

Another heart spent.

jm

~~~

*the last two are a couple untitled old ones written years ago when I first read Richard Brautigan's succinct genius, or as Duncan calls it "distilled."  

[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (01-08-2003 10:58 AM).]

© Copyright 2003 Janet Marie - All Rights Reserved
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


1 posted 01-08-2003 12:56 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Tonight I said I loved you
but you didn't answer me.

Another heart spent.

I just singed my wings again lady...

damn...

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


2 posted 01-08-2003 02:02 AM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Expected a poem called "Scraps."  But I'm much more delighted with what I find here.  Various little morsels of JM that didn't quite make it to PIP.  Kinda like when a musical artist gets blocked up and releases a compilation of "previously unreleased" works.  

Okay, opening the preview box and reading them right now.  (this is what I always do)

First off, these are scraps, so I'll give you the non-critique version and the critique version of the reply, 'cause I know you might not want critiques on these.

WOW!  I'm speechless!  You blow me away!  JUST WOW

Okay, now the critique.  Hope you liked that.

quote:
Anyone know the number to
the Wizard?
Wasn't he the one that gave
the tin man a heart?

Is there a doctor in the house?
I need a bypass.
You see, I left my heart back
there on the beach and now I have
to learn how to live without it.


Wizard made me think of a brand name, 'cause it's capitalized.  That's just me though, no need to take that critically.  I like seeing poetry started off with a question, which the poem itself either answers or elaborates (this poem doing the latter).  The only problem I have is how short it is.  The introduction is a bit disproportionate to the follow-up... kind of like seeing a person whose head is as big as his torso.  Freaky eh?

The tone that you end on isn't to my liking.  You ask a question and close the poem with the "you see..." that comes afterwards.  It doesn't seem to end on a period... more like the person just stopped talking altogether.  Or you stopped writing altogether.  Who knows.

Just saying it aloud to myself makes me think it needs one sentence after the last one, just so it has an ending tone instead of ending on a side-note to a question posed earlier in the stanza.

quote:
Irony


In a game of poetic word play came the query,
"Define yourself in one word?"

"Lonely."

That's me "in a word."
The proverbial "lonely in a crowd."
I cant ever remember a time
that I haven't felt owned by it.

How ironic now
comes this realization ...

In a lifetime of feeling unrequited,
left behind ... on my own,
(now putting into words what my
heart has always known)

If I cant be with you ...
I'd rather be alone.


It's ironic that you are alone, but you also want to be alone?  Isn't that just convenient?  Okay there, Alanis.  

Just teasing.  You know I do that.  

I do understand what you mean by mentioning this is irony... that what keeps you weighted is the fact that you are so alone, and in light of this, the only alternative to this one person you address at the end IS complete solitude.  Almost contradictory... just almost.

I've rephrased my comment on the content to your poem so many times that I'm just going to say forget it.  This was written months ago and I'm not going to bring you back to unpleasant feelings just so I can pat you on the back.

quote:
If one could actually die
from loneliness ...
I'd of been gone a long time ago.

As the years go by
I've come to realise ...
lonely is just another word
for dying slow.


You mean, "I'd have been gone a long time ago?"  Yeah I'm an evil jerk.  I just love pointing that one out.  

Now I'm actually going to read the poem.  Hold on a second.

Lonely is just another word for dying slow... I actually really like this, saying you would have died but you can't die of loneliness, and thus, the loneliness just makes you ache until you actually DO die.  So loneliness just means, slow death.  That's pretty powerful... but be patient.  

I have to say I'm struck with how much of your scrap writing is about loneliness.  I have scribblings too but I don't know about posting them... maybe I'll post a scraps thread after I reply to this... then again maybe not.  

quote:
Too many people speak of "love" ...
they act like it comes for free.

Tonight I said I loved you
but you didn't answer me.

Another heart spent.


Oh I know what you mean about the first two lines, I know it big time... love is so burnt out nowadays, everyone thinks they fall in love when all they have is sex, an economic unit and a few TV shows they both like watching.  Like you, I think love is a lot more rare than that.  People don't like to think they're going to die without feeling love, but thinking that love is easily obtained is a step towards losing that chance forever.

I'm trying to connect the first two lines to the rest.  I see the connection between "think it comes for free" and "another heart spent..."  as if to say - no, it doesn't come for free, it is very taxing, and that's why it sucks to pay the full price of love and get nothing in return.  

So, love isn't free, but it also doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.  I'm going to think about that for a while now.

Thanks for the scraps, JM.  I have to say, I didn't expect to enjoy reading these quite as much as I actually did... nothing personal, but most people's "scraps" usually don't have a lot of depth or value.  You surprised me with the overall quality of these.

Just full of surprises, aren't ya, Moth girl?  Well, keep 'em coming, my fellow arthropod.  

Parasite

It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world.
~Allysa

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


3 posted 01-08-2003 02:37 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I do love watching moths in flight.

*wink*

love you two.
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


4 posted 01-08-2003 10:13 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

KA ...
*handing you the singe proof mascara*
we moths may be crispy..but our winkies always look good
   rofl

Brian...@lol at you...thanks for the time and view thru you    

as for the block part..ya got that right...

this is just my futile attempts to make my muse do something...and also my efforts to work on trying to write with the less is more lesson...my muse is often long winded, so I wanted to try doing some of the succinct style that Duncan, Capt. and several others here do so well.
Miles to go before I sleep.......

as to the first poem...I decided not to spend a bunch of time on it...I tend to rewrite and tweek things till they no longer resemble the first draft..anal moth muse *L*

I edited the poem after reading your comments...all I did was change the line breaks to hopefully(?) give the ending the impact it lacked...as to it having another line? I honestly dont know what more I would need to say...or could say..after all..I left my heart behind...Im not really here anymore LOL

"Irony" lacks a bit to to me..but I posted it to see what kind of reaction it will get... although it does speak many truths of me and the whole poem was wrote around the truth and intend of the last two lines.
LOL@ the Alanis joke..so true ...


"dying slow" is one that just is...
not much there...yet says all I needed to..
could be the begining of a longer whine? *L*

and I'll tell ya a little secret..the last one...I wrote when I was 17 years old...
I had just discovered Richard Brautigans work and was influenced by his brevity and bluntness...now we are talking the mid/late 70s here... but last night I was thinking how this poem could apply to the way people on-line seem to say "I love you" to near strangers just to feel the high and feed off the need...and we often dont think of the cost to the other person who needs to believe the words might be real...
anyway...as always I thank you for the critique..me thinks you found more here than I posted...and I think it would be awesome if you and everyone who has them would post their "scraps" ..or try their hand at writing "distilled"...its a great learning tool.
Then we could all "Feast on Scraps"
( Alanis's new cds name) more irony??? *wink* LOL
thanks Brian  




Will the wind remember the names it has blown in the past?
With this crutch, its old age and wisdom, it whispers no ... this will be the last.

jh

[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (01-08-2003 10:18 AM).]

Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
Posts 12075


5 posted 01-08-2003 10:42 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

between the words and lines lies a lifetime...

beauty dear friend.... beauty...

hugs
Larry C
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 09-10-2001
Posts 10765
United States


6 posted 01-08-2003 02:35 PM       View Profile for Larry C   Email Larry C   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Larry C's Home Page   View IP for Larry C

JM,
It appears to me your heart may have skipped a beat or two. But like the tin man you display so much heart... Well you know why I like you so much already. Anyway, your writing always touches me deep inside. Bless you, always.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


7 posted 01-08-2003 02:43 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


I thought I heard
moth wings...
Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 08-14-2001
Posts 37801
Somewhere in time~


8 posted 01-08-2003 04:33 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

JM~As always...anything you pen is amazing!
I devour every word.
~Hugs & Smiles~

~Time has cast a spell on you,
  So you won't ever forget me~

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


9 posted 01-08-2003 06:16 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Beach ache.

*

Loneliness as a game of need.

*

Shuttering the light.

*

Two hearts pumping air.
RSWells
Member Elite
since 06-17-2001
Posts 2607


10 posted 01-08-2003 10:14 PM       View Profile for RSWells   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RSWells

There is no wizard. There's plenty of alone. I've felt alone (sense of abandonment) my whole life. For some of us it may be incurable. But maybe we are an advanced species. We come to this place alone and we surely leave it alone. Moments of warmth in waves interspersed with a Christine's world but worse, lying in snow. In this sense know, you aren't alone.
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


11 posted 01-09-2003 12:42 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Ron ... yeppers...between the lines..the words define...I know that you know...
thank you dear poet sir...always.

Larry...where do you hide your wings? thank you sweets.

Kari ... me thinks you have radar     

Moths dont care if the flame is real
The moth and flame got a sweetheart deal
Nothing fuels like flirtation
Like need, anger & desperation

A.M.

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


12 posted 01-09-2003 12:44 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Nancy...lol...sorry there wasnt much here to make a meal...I owe ya dessert *L*
thank you!!


Mikey...ya know me well..thank you groovy guy

Richard...I was going to tell you how much your reply moved me..but I know you already know...just like I knew that you knew what I was tryin to say...I read it in your rhymes many times. I've never entirely understood where this feeling/curse came from, its been there since I was a child...like my shadow.
thank you kind poet sir...I do realize and am grateful that I am in good company.
There are many of us shadow dancing. thank you Richard..for sharing you with me
thanks all....anyone else want to post some scraps...or try distilling?

Moths dont care if the flame is real
The moth and flame got a sweetheart deal
Nothing fuels like flirtation
Like need, anger & desperation

A.M.

LoveBug
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-08-2000
Posts 5015


13 posted 01-09-2003 07:40 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

I have lots of scraps... but none of them are this powerful!

"If I cant be with you ...
I'd rather be alone."

URHH! So.. oooh! I love that SO much... I know there are too many replies like that, but I can't get over that line. Of course, this post was more than that line, and it's all very good, but that line jumps out.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.--Jesus Christ

Gentle Spirit
Member Laureate
since 10-09-2000
Posts 14329


14 posted 01-10-2003 08:41 AM       View Profile for Gentle Spirit   Email Gentle Spirit   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Gentle Spirit

JM I also do many of those shadow dances.........alone......
I understand this all to well my mothy friend.....Heat hugs to you........
EagleOne
Member Elite
since 03-07-2000
Posts 2858
Between a laugh and a tear...


15 posted 01-17-2003 01:47 AM       View Profile for EagleOne   Email EagleOne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for EagleOne

Your scraps have provided a feast this evening!

I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just running on... ~ Jackson Browne

Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


16 posted 01-17-2003 01:24 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

Janet Marie

There is such a wide ocean of difference between alone and lonely.  A candle can burn alone and still be filled with light, a lonely candle always hungers for a breathe to blow it out.  Your words ache,  yet are so simply human that they touch us all in the place where lonely lives.    

PS  It is so good to see you posting, dear friend.  
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


17 posted 01-17-2003 11:11 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

LB.. thank you so much, your reply was more than enough...yes..that was the line that inspired the poem in the first place, your wise eyes got it

Donna... Im sorry you relate...but its always quiet comfort to know we are in good company

Eddie...more like a snack LOL...thank you groovy guy for coming by..miss you around here.

Martie......

A candle can burn alone and still be filled with light, a lonely candle always hungers for a breathe to blow it out.  


sweets...even your replies are poetry...that is so beautiful and profound!!
thank you, as always you read between the lines and find all of my reasons.

It's over long before her fall from grace, she's never been this far from safe.
Trying to see where it all began, she'll never be the same again.

Duncan
Member Ascendant
since 08-07-2001
Posts 5716


18 posted 06-15-2006 05:54 PM       View Profile for Duncan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Duncan


Even better with time...  
 
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