Swept Under - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

0 posted 2003-01-04 12:25 PM

A whisper lost in the winds of time,
drifting to every corner to be found.
Welled tears leak out, drenching
all in sight, but no one feels the rain.

A wail of death filled the land
centuries ago, yet yesterday..
Sunken flesh meets cold of touch,
burnt in sudden inhale of life.

A birth of loss cringed my heart,
two fold times of misplaced soul.
Escaped to wealth of gilded street,
stole only to blight mine own.

A memory tinged by forgotten scenes,
shaped by love's unforgiving hand.
Wished only to be with once more for
now, wished only to die and have peace.

In Memory
September 23, 1949 ~ January 4, 1998
November 2, 1944 ~ July 30, 2001

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

..You can't fight the tears that aren't coming..

Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

1 posted 2003-01-04 11:49 AM

"Welled tears leak out, drenching
all in sight, but no one feels the rain."

*hugs* Beautiful poem, Tiff. Love you.. miss you..
~Carly

A ruddy drop of manly blood
The surging sea outweighs;
The world uncertain comes and goes,
The lover rooted stays.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

[This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (01-04-2003 11:50 AM).]

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

2 posted 2003-01-05 12:14 PM

Great poem!

"Welled tears leak out, drenching
all in sight, but no one feels the rain."

This is a really cool way of showing the past pain of the place you are describing and the ignorance of it on the part of some. Your drenching of everything in sight from the perspective of the speaker is a great device.

The poem is very strong and the meter works really well. You draw some very powerful images.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2003-01-05 05:20 PM

Tiff, I absolutely love this. Definitely one of my favourites from you.

quote:
A whisper lost in the winds of time,
drifting to every corner to be found.
Welled tears leak out, drenching
all in sight, but no one feels the rain.

Flawless introduction. You use so many global concepts like the rain, winds of time, and absolutes like "no one feels the rain..." you start drawing the big picture, the sublime... dwarfing the reader, I love it.

quote:
A wail of death filled the land
centuries ago, yet yesterday..
Sunken flesh meets cold of touch,
burnt in sudden inhale of life.

There's great continuity here, you keep with the global theme in "filled the land" and "centuries ago," making the subject matter seem historic and universal. A slow transition into the individual here... "sudden inhale" shifts to the image of one person as opposed to an entire world. This is where your natural talent is obvious.

quote:
A birth of loss cringed my heart,
two fold times of misplaced soul.
Escaped to wealth of gilded street,
stole only to blight mine own.

And here you have one stanza about yourself in particular, just one, placed very nicely within the environment you describe earlier. Perfect choice of words, perfectly organized... this is my favourite stanza.

quote:
A memory tinged by forgotten scenes,
shaped by love's unforgiving hand.
Wished only to be with once more for
now, wished only to die and have peace.

"A memory tinged by forgotten scenes" is the kind of line that is so perfect it becomes quoted casually later on, like "what a tangled web we weave." I seriously love that line... and the whole stanza. Here your image is drawn back towards the earlier, more global scenery... love's unforgiving hand, suggesting that yours is not the only case...

Tiff, you've astounded me with this piece. I'm going to read this a few times yet, which is what a private library is for, right?

Click, in she goes.

Brian

It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world.
~Allysa

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

4 posted 2003-01-05 08:57 PM

"A birth of loss cringed my heart,
two fold times of misplaced soul.
Escaped to wealth of gilded street,
stole only to blight mine own."

This is so beautiful... this has to be my favorate from you. It's so very touching, and I can relate to it myself. Wonderful, my friend..

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.--Jesus Christ

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

5 posted 2003-01-05 09:33 PM

this was so beautiful, and [for lack of a better word] sad.

wonderful work. i won't say more.

/jen/

'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.' [radiohead]

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.