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Passions in Poetry

The Newborn

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fractal007
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since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


0 posted 01-02-2003 04:30 AM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for fractal007

More of my developing fantasy world.




The skylit land is soundless, filled with peace,
the unwilling mother to displaced orphaned man.
The trees stand tall and proud and never release
the deepened shroud from whence we all began.

The world-embracing sky, a deepened blue,
is but our long forgotten saddened father.
The clouds' pointless wanderings slowly ensue,
the sun continues his journey, each day a bother.

A people of our world's tales and stories are we,
a wandering tribe, a wondering nation of lore.
Many receive instruction, telling all they see,
the journeys of the past and the future's unopened door.

I've seen the oldened ones who sailed the stars,
the ones who saw with their three glowing eyes.
But I see our future saviour who lives in wars,
whose father now lies dead we all surmise.

He'll stand upon the darkened cliff just past
the desperate hour and watch his new creation.
He knows not whether this newborn world will last,
for he has smashed his foe with every nation.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus


[This message has been edited by fractal007 (01-02-2003 04:32 AM).]

© Copyright 2003 fractal007 - All Rights Reserved
Child of the Stars
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
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since 09-07-2000
Posts 1972
Ann Arbor, MI


1 posted 01-04-2003 01:19 PM       View Profile for Child of the Stars   Email Child of the Stars   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Child of the Stars

I think you're trying to trick me into thinking this is about the second coming....evil! This is one of those poems that makes me think, "it's all for...what?" Pretty grounding. I liked your structure, except the flow seemed a little off-beat. Like "unwilling" and "wandering." Whassat, tetrameter? LP? This isn't one of those perfect-meter things, I don't think, so I let it slide.   Overall, a very thinky poem...

  ~Carly

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
   Old Time is still a-flying,
And this same flower that smiles to-day
   To-morrow will be dying."
              Robert Herrick
          

[This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (01-04-2003 01:20 PM).]

fractal007
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since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


2 posted 01-04-2003 08:28 PM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

I suppose it is a tetrameter.  I must confess, with perhaps a tinge of shame, that I am indeed writing in loose meter.  If you look back at my attempts at wholeheartedly writing in perfect iamb or any other meter, you will find that there is good reason for me to start a little more simple like this, lol.  

Thanks for the reply.  I like your interesting unique reading.  Glad my messianic elements were recognizable, lol.  I always stick the note at the top when writing about my own world so that people won't think I'm slamming Jesus, or some other messianic religious figure.  Rather, I'm slamming my own created messiah, I guess, lol.  

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Local Parasite
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since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


3 posted 01-05-2003 04:33 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

I just noticed your last name and have to say that I love it.  Can we trade?

I like your parallel between a newborn child and the world you describe.  An excellent way to add that childish innocence to such a seemingly bleak world... and how you end on that note of uncertainty for the future, that was, well, perfect.

This poem impressed me, much more than your other one.  This is the kind of dystopian writing that I like to read.  Excellent work, mister VanDenBreemen.  

Parasite

It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world.
~Allysa

LoveBug
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since 01-08-2000
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4 posted 01-05-2003 08:46 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

Nice... very nice.

I agree with Carly, I did think this was referring to Christ, but thanks for clearing that up! Overall, this is a very good piece. The meter isn't strict, but it doesn't take away from your imagery and your depth. Good job.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.--Jesus Christ

fractal007
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since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


5 posted 01-06-2003 05:10 AM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

Thanks all for the replies.  LP, thanks for the comments on my rather lengthy Dutch last name, lol.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

 
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