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Swan Song

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Dee
Member Elite
since 08-19-2000
Posts 2361
Queensland, Australia


0 posted 12-21-2002 11:32 PM       View Profile for Dee   Email Dee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Dee

Swan Song.

I've waited long enough
for promises not kept.
Agonised over you.
Countless tears I have wept.

You taught me how to love
then threw it all away.
Played with my emotions,
not intending to stay.

You can keep your sweet words,
they're only lies in rhyme.
Do what you want with them
cause they're not worth a dime.

6th December 2002

Stand straight and tall, not the reflection as others see you, but as you truely are.        Clearwater

© Copyright 2002 Dee Manders - All Rights Reserved
LoveBug
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-08-2000
Posts 5015


1 posted 12-22-2002 01:56 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

This is very powerful... it's awful being in a situation like this. Your sadness and anger come across very strongly in this piece. Thanks for sharing.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.--Jesus Christ

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
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since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


2 posted 12-22-2002 02:06 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Nicely written... a few cliches, but nothing that really disturbed the poem that much.  I think you would have had an easier time with a different rhyme in the last stanza, maybe you could try and rephrase it a little to give yourself more freedom.  It seems like you went to the "not worth a dime" thing because nothing else fit.

Ya know... ah well.  Nicely written - just my thoughts.

Parasite

It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world.
~Allysa

Dee
Member Elite
since 08-19-2000
Posts 2361
Queensland, Australia


3 posted 12-24-2002 12:01 AM       View Profile for Dee   Email Dee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dee

Thanks LoveBug, I think that poems from the heart are the most powerful poetry of all (just my thoughts).


Parasite, fisrtly - cliches are in the eye of the beholder. We have had discussions on what is cliche and what is not here before. This is from the heart, so it is written to show how I feel not my talent as a poet.
I used 'not worth a dime' cause that is how I feel, not 'just because it fits'.
This is NOT an attack on you, it is explaining why your helpful comments won't be used for a rewrite. Thank you anyway.  

D

Stand straight and tall, not the reflection as others see you, but as you truely are.        Clearwater

[This message has been edited by Dee (12-24-2002 12:02 AM).]

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


4 posted 12-24-2002 08:24 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Hey you!!!!
You only ever write from the heart!!
So good to see you here with us in the blue pages again...miss you.
I'll be in touch soon.
heart-hugs Dee-girlie

Will the wind remember the names it has blown in the past?
With this crutch, its old age and wisdom, it whispers no ... this will be the last.

jh

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