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Church |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855
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Here's one from a few months ago I never posted, for whatever reason. Church The bells give voice, solemn, in joy. A copse of trees nearby the stone. Touching doors, they move away. Windows stain the lightened sky. Into nestled warmth, to creeking bench, the lights' suspend in canon wait. Heavy book in hand. Come knowing not. I come knowing not a thing. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
like this all..except the last few lines. The use of not twice so closely together makes me wonder if one should use Knot... in the first one...or the second depending on how they wanted to twist the meaning.. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Yeah, you're right. This is pretty second-rate. It was a poem I was working on with someone else, but we parted ways (poetry wise), so I excised her stuff and tried to leave it as it stands. I'm gonna erase this from my computer now. PIP will be its only home.  |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
I did not say second rate stuff... I merely suggested reworking the ending lines... At the very least I would save it inits current version and think about reworking it later to add the touch of surreal you seem to be noted for here.. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I wish I could do short poetry. Yours is always a capture, rather than a description. It's like you look at everything and say "stop for a minute," and then caption it with your poem. It's food for the imagination. I like the picture of this one, your footnotes to it, and what it prompts me to think in response. You can't exactly go, without knowing not a thing. Otherwise, you would derive nothing from it. I haven't been to church in years. Parasite It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Nor have I, Parasite. Hence why I wasn't able to come up with an ending. |
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