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Passions in Poetry

Church

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bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


0 posted 12-18-2002 02:37 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for bsquirrel

Here's one from a few months ago I never posted, for whatever reason.

Church
The bells give voice,
solemn, in joy.
A copse of trees
nearby the stone.

Touching doors,
they move away.
Windows stain
the lightened sky.

Into nestled warmth,
to creeking bench,
the lights' suspend
in canon wait.

Heavy book in hand.
Come knowing not.
I come knowing
not a thing.
© Copyright 2002 MPC - All Rights Reserved
Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
Posts 12075


1 posted 12-18-2002 05:57 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

like this all..except the last few lines. The use of not twice so closely together makes me wonder if one should use Knot... in the first one...or the second depending on how they wanted to twist the meaning..

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


2 posted 12-18-2002 06:04 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Yeah, you're right. This is pretty second-rate. It was a poem I was working on with someone else, but we parted ways (poetry wise), so I excised her stuff and tried to leave it as it stands. I'm gonna erase this from my computer now. PIP will be its only home.
Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
Posts 12075


3 posted 12-18-2002 06:09 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

I did not say second rate stuff... I merely suggested reworking the ending lines...
At the very least I would save it inits current version and think about reworking it later to add the touch of surreal you seem to be noted for here..

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


4 posted 12-19-2002 12:35 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

I wish I could do short poetry.  Yours is always a capture, rather than a description.  It's like you look at everything and say "stop for a minute," and then caption it with your poem.

It's food for the imagination.  I like the picture of this one, your footnotes to it, and what it prompts me to think in response.  You can't exactly go, without knowing not a thing.  Otherwise, you would derive nothing from it.

I haven't been to church in years.

Parasite

It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world.
~Allysa

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


5 posted 12-19-2002 01:42 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Nor have I, Parasite. Hence why I wasn't able to come up with an ending.
 
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