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Passions in Poetry

Feathers

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Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


0 posted 12-12-2002 03:48 AM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Feathers

Who told, the last of verse I'd spill
Would not be written in thy praise
My tear-ducts ne'er were quite so fill'd
   With thick amaze

Tis such a silly thing of me
To wander far from comfort's peats
And rather, be thy deity
   In silver sheets

The hour, copulence defeats -
It was upon that very day
My universe of silver sheets
   Was blurr'd away

From here, my stance above these cliffs
I see the very path we trod
But I, who live in paints and glyphs
   Am but a sod

That e'er I could expect so much
Thy steps surpass my very gaze
Condemn'd, am I, to lose thy clutch
   In thick amaze

A sparrow landed on my arm
I fed her bread, and tales of love
And she presum'd to swoon what charm
   I'd spoken of

Alas, she merely was my crowd
And still, her eyes did fade with glee
Each time I sang those songs aloud
   I'd wrote for thee

She clang to me, her balladeer
And urg'd me forth, my tongue to sing
T'was curious, she long'd to hear
   Those shameful things

She knew not that I sang for thee
And still, I recollect that day
Felt all the ache you'd toss'd to me
   Was blurr'd away

For she, my bird of randomness
Suspended me upon my spot
And clutch'd me with a gentle kiss
   As thou could'st not

My veins did tickle, through and through
The nature of her purity
That love so false could be so true
   It ravish'd me

With all my charms upon her eyes
We, into greater lovings, grew
And there, beneath those tarnish'd skies
   My sparrow flew

Of flight so sweet, I'd never seen
My poet's harp did desecrate
Her beauty, coal to crystalline,
   A brighter state

I lov'd her true, much truer than
My ballads wrote of thee could say
But sooner than my truth began
   She flew away.

How she could scry my guiltful love
Is clear to me in narrow light
Perhaps she spied me from above
   In gifted flight

And now, I long to have her near
For I lov'd her, and she lov'd me
Alas, she seeks a balladeer
   Of honesty

Her path to me is still at hand
Each feather dropt, an amber haze
That vanishes, when blurr'd by land
   Its thick amaze

Perhaps my longings are absurd
To ride those wings, to scrape the sky
The sparrow is a common bird
   I know not why.
© Copyright 2002 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


1 posted 12-12-2002 09:18 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

OH yeah...Ill be back
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


2 posted 12-12-2002 12:47 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Who told, the last of verse I'd spill
Would not be written in thy praise
My tear-ducts ne'er were quite so fill'd
   With thick amaze

Tis such a silly thing of me
To wander far from comfort's peats
And rather, be thy deity
   In silver sheets

The hour, copulence defeats -
It was upon that very day
My universe of silver sheets
   Was blurr'd away

From here, my stance above these cliffs
I see the very path we trod
But I, who live in paints and glyphs
   Am but a sod
=======================================

With all my charms upon her eyes
We, into greater lovings, grew
And there, beneath those tarnish'd skies
   My sparrow flew

Of flight so sweet, I'd never seen
My poet's harp did desecrate
Her beauty, coal to crystalline,
   A brighter state

===============================
Her path to me is still at hand
Each feather dropt, an amber haze
That vanishes, when blurr'd by land
   Its thick amaze

Perhaps my longings are absurd
To ride those wings, to scrape the sky
The sparrow is a common bird
   I know not why.

===============================


Im having you for lunch!! errr..the poem for lunch .. LOL....

ok..forgive the mothy jokes..but your rhymes make me GIDDY...
Ahh yes...so much to see here.
where shall a moth begin her worship....
lets talk about that rhyme scheme--
does that form have a technical name?
(besides impressive?) *S*
I love the cadence..the short metered last line of each verse made it...very cool how you maintained that so well on a poem of this length. Now lets talk about the language style...you make it look easy...
your vocab and phrasing skills using the old world terms are growing and becoming more natural for your muse. Which I knew would happen back when you said you wanted to learn to write this way and make it your own.

To wander far from comfort's peats
And rather, be thy deity
   In silver sheets

The hour, copulence defeats -
It was upon that very day

And there, beneath those tarnish'd skies
   My sparrow flew

Of flight so sweet, I'd never seen
My poet's harp did desecrate
Her beauty, coal to crystalline,
   A brighter state
How she could scry my guiltful love
Is clear to me in narrow light


~~

Those are just some of the really poetically pretty phrases...which leads me to the assonance and internal rhymes and even some alliterations...all of which add to the pleasure of this ones cadence....now lets talk about the imagery, the sybolism and personification which is paramount in pulling off a poem done in this vocab and language style. And of course you wrote that like second skin as well..."symbol" is thy middle name Then you've got the drama, and conflict to create the edge of bittersweet melancholy that these type of poems do so much justice to... and you carried it all out to poetic perfection thru...I MEAN through lol
through the entire of this oh so impressive piece...love the angsty classic romantic tradgic ending.
and? ya made me mothy tongue do a happy dance
reading this aloud.
What more can a mothgirl ask for on a lunch break?

As always...you rock and it rolls me

just one line ... one rhyme ... one metered verse ...
if only I could inspire in you ... promised poetic coerce.

Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


3 posted 12-12-2002 08:01 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

LP

This is just so well done!  I usually don't appreciate the use of old fashioned poetic language, unless from an oldy, but this was rich, and not the least bit stilted.  I would like to be able to write with the talent that you show.  
RSWells
Member Elite
since 06-17-2001
Posts 2607


4 posted 12-12-2002 10:19 PM       View Profile for RSWells   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RSWells

I like everything about this.
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


5 posted 12-18-2002 02:32 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

One of the best heartbreak-to-wisdom-comes-sadness poems I've ever read here (or anywhere).

Unbelievably good. How come you're not published yet?
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


6 posted 12-19-2002 12:42 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

JM -  You know you're too kind, right?  My ego is already overblown as it is.  Thanks though, you always make me grin.  

Martie - I've seen your writing, you write with a talent that I envy myself... wanna trade?  

Wells - I greatly respect your opinion and it is very valuable to me, and your approval makes me feel quite satisfied with the quality of my work.  Thanks.

Mikey - I am published!!  Poetry.com has plublished me.     I did try for the heartbreak to wisdom thing, glad you picked up on it.  Don't worry about me, heh, there's plenty of sparrows in the sea.

It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world.
~Allysa

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