How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Sanctuary
 Poetic Haven
 salt water and ice cream cake
 1 2 3 4 5
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Poet deVine, Martie   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

salt water and ice cream cake

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
quietlydying
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 06-10-2001
Posts 1316
the wonderful land of oz


0 posted 12-10-2002 07:11 PM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for quietlydying

Amber lights
adding worry and anguish
to this sordid tale.
The city lights flicker as
people hurry by
and I watch.
Perched,
from my sill far above.

Lying in these false claims
of simplicity
and happiness.
What have I done now?
Anger beats
this melody
and sadness tunes
the mind.
My head hurts and still
she sits.
Happy birthday girl,
how can I hurt you more?

[[[i have a feeling this needs more work.  but i'm just lazy.]]]

/jen/


'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control.  i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.'  [radiohead]

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (12-10-2002 07:15 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 jennifer elizabeth - All Rights Reserved
Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
Posts 12075


1 posted 12-10-2002 07:25 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

lots of emotion in here... thanks for the glimpse

[This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (12-11-2002 09:11 AM).]

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


2 posted 12-11-2002 12:47 AM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Hmm, I like Ron's revision, but I think it's mostly a revision of style and not of quality.  I doubt you are seeking a change in style so I'll applaud Ron's effort and look at the poem myself...

quote:
Amber lights
adding worry and anguish
to this sordid tale.
The city lights flicker as
people hurry by
and I watch.
Perched,
from my sill far above.


I especially like the italics on "perched."  It brings it to attention, which the isolation of it (linewise) already does.  You use a lot of nouns that seem kind of plain, like "people" and "anguish."  An adjective or two would really spice up this stanza.

quote:
Lying in these false claims
of simplicity
and happiness.


That's a sentence fragment.  I would rephrase it.

quote:
What have I done now?
Anger beats
this melody
and sadness tunes
the mind.
My head hurts and still
she sits.
Happy birthday girl,
how can I hurt you more?


You have a double-meaning of the word "still."  Maybe make it a bit more evident, not the same way you brought out "perched," but somehow?  I'd like to see it a bit more noticable.

Still love this poem.  All of your poetry matches your username -- acknowledgement without retaliation.  Quiet death.

And it's whispered beneath every verse you compose.

Waiting on your next,

Brian

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


3 posted 12-19-2002 01:33 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

The only thing I could say against this is the ending seems a bit pat. It's more a blanket covering a larger issue than the magnifying glass right at the place of discontent.

Still, always enjoy your writing. Even when it's "weaker."

Mike
cherish
Member Ascendant
since 03-25-2001
Posts 6045
swimming in fairy floss.......


4 posted 12-29-2002 10:50 PM       View Profile for cherish   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for cherish

I'm not going to analyse this one, simply because there are too many things to say about it. The sadness and frustration is there...I can feel it.

Keep writing chica.

Are you scared?                                      BOO! Are you now?

fractal007
Member Elite
since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


5 posted 01-02-2003 04:57 AM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

This does need a bit of work yes.  The first stanza I could easily understand.  But the second one was rather baffling.  You went on to describe a series of emotions and ideas after talking about concrete objects and scenarios.  The birthday girl seemed wierd too.  Is she you or is she someone you know, or perhaps a customer?

However, I kinda liked your little device at the beginning of the second stanza:

Lying in these false claims
of simplicity
and happiness.


This carries a bit of double meaning, I think.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Sanctuary >> Poetic Haven >> salt water and ice cream cake Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors