»
Sanctuary
»
Poetic Haven
»
salt water and ice cream cake
| Poetic Haven |
|
salt water and ice cream cake |
|
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz 
|
Amber lights adding worry and anguish to this sordid tale. The city lights flicker as people hurry by and I watch. Perched, from my sill far above. Lying in these false claims of simplicity and happiness. What have I done now? Anger beats this melody and sadness tunes the mind. My head hurts and still she sits. Happy birthday girl, how can I hurt you more? [[[i have a feeling this needs more work. but i'm just lazy.]]] /jen/ 'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.' [radiohead] [This message has been edited by quietlydying (12-10-2002 07:15 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 jennifer elizabeth - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
lots of emotion in here... thanks for the glimpse [This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (12-11-2002 09:11 AM).] |
||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Hmm, I like Ron's revision, but I think it's mostly a revision of style and not of quality. I doubt you are seeking a change in style so I'll applaud Ron's effort and look at the poem myself... quote: I especially like the italics on "perched." It brings it to attention, which the isolation of it (linewise) already does. You use a lot of nouns that seem kind of plain, like "people" and "anguish." An adjective or two would really spice up this stanza. quote: That's a sentence fragment. I would rephrase it. quote: You have a double-meaning of the word "still." Maybe make it a bit more evident, not the same way you brought out "perched," but somehow? I'd like to see it a bit more noticable. Still love this poem. All of your poetry matches your username -- acknowledgement without retaliation. Quiet death. And it's whispered beneath every verse you compose. Waiting on your next, Brian Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. |
||
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
The only thing I could say against this is the ending seems a bit pat. It's more a blanket covering a larger issue than the magnifying glass right at the place of discontent. Still, always enjoy your writing. Even when it's "weaker." Mike |
||
|
cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
I'm not going to analyse this one, simply because there are too many things to say about it. The sadness and frustration is there...I can feel it. Keep writing chica. Are you scared? |
||
|
fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
This does need a bit of work yes. The first stanza I could easily understand. But the second one was rather baffling. You went on to describe a series of emotions and ideas after talking about concrete objects and scenarios. The birthday girl seemed wierd too. Is she you or is she someone you know, or perhaps a customer? However, I kinda liked your little device at the beginning of the second stanza: Lying in these false claims of simplicity and happiness. This carries a bit of double meaning, I think. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
BOO! Are you now?