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Passions in Poetry

Gray rain

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bsquirrel
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since 01-03-2000
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0 posted 12-06-2002 07:04 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for bsquirrel

Breathing with the rainy waves,
apart in a cloud.

Refreshed without comfort.
Thunder was too loud.

“Eat your crust and crumbs,” she'd said.
Rain-softened and stale.

"Everything’s the surface."
Water hit the pail.

She'd said beauty lies --
never will lie deep.

He'd said he would think on that
as he fell asleep.

Color drained the sky.
Corner feigned a why.

He awoke and she slept on.
Nothing to reply.
© Copyright 2002 MPC - All Rights Reserved
Cpat Hair
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since 06-05-2001
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1 posted 12-06-2002 07:07 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

well mikey... you have done it again. nice images and a dialog that plays into them...
all juxtaposed on a inverted reality that makes the reader appreciate just how little they see of the world around them...

enjoyed my friend.

bsquirrel
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2 posted 12-06-2002 07:08 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Thank you, Ron. This is actually a much older poem, that is so awful, that is all I will say about it. This is much more measured and calm, and still a bit melancholy. And maybe a bit humorous?

Mikey
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3 posted 12-06-2002 07:12 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

not awful at all... it is in fact rather interesting in its melancholy feel and in the images you use. It is much more "traditonal" in the use of word and phrase than you do now, but not in any way awful...

sometimes the older ones are good for us to revisit... lets us see what we have forgotten about writing... some we should forget, other parts of it we should view and see as a way to improve what we do today.

bsquirrel
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4 posted 12-06-2002 07:27 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Oops, my mistake. I meant to say, this is based on an older poem that is so awful, etc.

Yay, the weekend is upon us!

Mikey
Cpat Hair
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5 posted 12-06-2002 07:29 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

weekend smeekend.... ( bah humbug... )

have to be on call and monitor progress of problem servers we have and a project I am working on... so it will be on and offline for me most of the weekend if I don't end up back in the office. Hope  yours is good though!
Martie
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6 posted 12-06-2002 08:06 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

Mike

Some really good lines in this

"She'd said beauty lies --
never will lie deep."

and

"He awoke and she slept on.
Nothing to reply."  When I first read this, I read it without the period and that made it even more interesting.

Enjoyed!
Local Parasite
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7 posted 12-06-2002 09:30 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

This is really interesting.  Again with the watery imagery, Mike... you sure have a thing for that, don't you?

I found myself in love with the almost-dialogue that you make in this poem between the he and the she.  Made me think of a couple laying in bed at night before going to sleep, and just talking about nothing in particular in the meantime.  Especially how it was all he'd said, she'd said.... rather than he said, she said.  Made it seem more reflective.  At the end, he awoke... not he'd awoke.  

Divides the ending away from the rest.  I just love the ending, it's so appropriate... some kind of vague interaction between people is shown, amongst all the images of rain.  And the poem ends when one of them runs out of something to say.

Real neat.  You saved it from awful.  

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

bsquirrel
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8 posted 12-09-2002 12:10 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Thanks, everyone.
 
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