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Passions in Poetry

"'mo jazz"

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serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


0 posted 11-30-2002 04:14 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for serenity blaze

Take this thought--
a verb make me
a marching band
of timphany--
I lead the line
of high stepping
a baton
of what used to be...
let the tuba
keep the flats...
a fife of flute
a simple spat
of lover's quarrels
played in jazz
with undertones
of all b flat
squeezing
weeping
from my bones
the dirge
of swirls
in drink--alone.

Time the brittle
of my tones...
and whisper?
(say...)
You're not alone...

let me press the stress from us...
let me.
let me.
let me.


trust...

[This message has been edited by serenity blaze (11-30-2002 07:25 AM).]

© Copyright 2002 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved
Riley
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 07-18-2002
Posts 1122
in the pouring rain


1 posted 11-30-2002 10:57 AM       View Profile for Riley   Email Riley   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Riley

Wow, I really liked the way you used the aspects of band ( unfortunatly I am a band geek ) such as flats, sharps, instruments etc. in this....not what I expected for sure. But I liked it...also the end of the poem really caught me....I loved it...the let me let me part...and then trust..that was awesome...Thanks for the read


Riley

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

quietlydying
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Senior Member
since 06-10-2001
Posts 1316
the wonderful land of oz


2 posted 12-02-2002 01:53 AM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for quietlydying

quote:
with undertones
of all b flat

mmmmmm...  

loved it.  as usual.  can i be your groupie?  

/jen/

i'm so bitterly disappointed.  betty, i think it's time you leave now.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


3 posted 12-02-2002 04:45 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Riley? I was just trying to convey the tones...I really did envision a marching band for this piece but I thank you for recognizing (mehopes) that I did attempt a dance of jazz--it's nice, getting lost when some finds their way home with ya!

and /jen/???
I didn't even know I was allowed groupies!
But absolutely! You are my personal...um...REMEMBERER

yeah...that's it...:supergroin:

It's all good tho. Pack a bottle o spritz, some dentyne--Evian? and I'm good until the bar opens...

Okay...I'll be have now.

thanks

yeah...RIGHT.
Local Parasite
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since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


4 posted 12-02-2002 12:31 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Wow, really cool stuff... as usual your underlying message is so shrouded that I have to squint while reading, but it's all good.  I, too, like how you took musical and band terminology and mixed it all in to keep the theme stable... very nice work, Serenity.  

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


5 posted 12-02-2002 11:23 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Thanks LP...and? sigh, I don't try to be confusing, and that's a question I have been struggling with. Do we go with the obvious metaphor in order to be understood? I've often wondered how good is anything if no one can understand it? Or do we insult our reader's intelligence by assuming that they will not understand a more obscure reference?
And have you seen the signature my sister made for you? Check out the messages at ASoTS...it's cute. Thanks for reading lovie.
As always I appreciate your insight.
 
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