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Lemonade and Loathing - weekend phrase challenge

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Poet deVine
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Hurricane Alley


0 posted 11-29-2002 05:07 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Poet deVine


Lemonade and loathing

I remember the last hot summer
Before you went away
Colors seems more vibrant
On each long summer day

Was heat the real reason
We fought all the time
Why is it no one suggested
Moving to a cooler clime?

If we wanted to salvage
The sum of our whole
Why continue to fight
Why let the heat take itís toll

Lemonade and loathing
Neither quenched this thirst
Now I canít remember
Which of us conceded first

By the time leaves turned gold
You were gone, I was alone
Waiting for the next heat wave
Living in the tropic zone

OR

You were gone, I was alone
When autumn finally arrived
the next time I made lemonade
I realized I had survived.

****
Which is the better last verse?

[This message has been edited by Poet deVine (11-29-2002 05:34 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Poet deVine - All Rights Reserved
Local Parasite
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Transylconia, Winnipeg


1 posted 11-29-2002 05:20 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

well well, Devine one!  seems both of my lemonade ones were taken up...

I like the theme here, and how you used "lemonade and loathing" in that context that you did.  However I have a bit of critique to offer (you still don't have a flag, but this IS the sanctuary!).

seems like the rhyme forced you to use some words from time to time.  Particularily "clime" and "zone."  I wouldn't have ended the poem with the "zone" line, personally.  Sometimes it's best to switch the rhyming lines so that the other one ends the poem (I would have ended it with the "alone" rhymed line).  In many cases it's best to try and rephrase the line you have to rhyme, so that it ends with an easier rhyme... try sentence inversions, and whatnot.

Just some insight.     Love this poem.

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

Poet deVine
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2 posted 11-29-2002 05:25 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

LP, believe me, I will take your critique any time!

I switched that last line 4 times..never found a good way to end it. But I'm still going to work on it...just wanted you to know I'm working on your phrases.

What happens when I can't get inspired to do more from what you've posted? Do you have more? Start a new threat and title it 'phrase suggestions'..that way we can all add phrases this weekend...

Even if you use the link in serenity's thread about the instant muse, it would be good:
http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum7/HTML/000532.html

Thank you!
Local Parasite
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3 posted 11-29-2002 05:28 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

I'm sure there will be plenty more suggestions coming there yet... just wait and see
Riley
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in the pouring rain


4 posted 11-29-2002 07:02 PM       View Profile for Riley   Email Riley   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Riley

I, personally, like the second ending.. ( here I sound like some kind of musician talking about his/her music ) Anyway....this is almost exactly what I pictured for this phrase , almost ,  but I didn't picture the fight you created. I liked that though. It really added to the poem, keeping me wanting to read it..thats why I like the last ending...kinda finalizes it.

Nice Write


Riley

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

LoveBug
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5 posted 11-30-2002 04:14 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

I also think that the final ending is the best. It has more hope, and it goes beyond the initial emotion of the moment. With the second ending, it seems that you are looking back on the past from a triumphant standpoint; although it still hurts, you have survived. The final stanza is the one that touched me the most, and I think that it would be the perfect ending to this wonderful piece. Great writing.

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

quietlydying
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the wonderful land of oz


6 posted 12-02-2002 11:21 PM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for quietlydying

very well told story.

i found the second ending to be a little too cliched.  way below your level.

the first one seemed a better fit.  more mature, less repetetive, hold the sap.  

nicely done.

i'll leave the critiques on this one to brian.  he seems to have beat me to it.

heh.

/jen/

i'm so bitterly disappointed.  betty, i think it's time you leave now.

 
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