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Passions in Poetry

My everything

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Kielo
Senior Member
since 02-11-2002
Posts 1259


0 posted 11-29-2002 12:17 AM       View Profile for Kielo   Email Kielo   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Kielo


Taste the ardor in my blood
as I spill it for you.
Do you still not understand?
You are my all,
my everything.


Take my virtue and submission.
What should you do with them?
Why, anything -
you are my all,
my everything.


Hear my silent screams,
my agony at your betrayal.
Do you still not understand?
You are my all,
my everything.
© Copyright 2002 Jeremiah Leonard - All Rights Reserved
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


1 posted 11-29-2002 01:04 AM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

You have to complete this, Kielo.  Trust me, when you start a repeated theme, and end it on the third stanza, it leaves people hanging.  At least deviate from it momentarily in order to add a bit of conclusiveness in the ending, either by adding a twist at the ending itself or shifting away from the theme and returning to it in the end.

Otherwise this just seems to fall short of its goal.  Just my opinion.

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
Posts 12075


2 posted 11-29-2002 08:49 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

Keilo... does leave me hanging ..wanting to know or at least have a hint of some resolution. I understand well the actual situation may not be resolved..making it harder to write one.

I like what you have here..it is painful..but it is honest pain, well expressed.

if it is real... hugs to you..

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


3 posted 11-29-2002 09:37 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I rather like the ending hanging like that--it effectively conveys that SHE is left hanging, and leaves the reader with that same feeling of frustration.

(sorry, Ki--didn't mean to talk about you like you weren't here, but then, you are probably NOT here, huh?)

I liked this bunches.
Kielo
Senior Member
since 02-11-2002
Posts 1259


4 posted 11-29-2002 12:00 PM       View Profile for Kielo   Email Kielo   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kielo

*grin* Yes, it is supposed to be left hanging. The speaker is stuck being loyal to this person who is using him/her. If it frustrates you, good. It frustrates me too. I'm not in a situation like this now, but I have been, and I probably will be again. Thanks for the hugs.

Serenity? No, I was not here. I stayed up far too late for that. I'm still half-asleep. They made me get up to take my sister to school. (I have a day off). YAYNESS! AND TERM ONE IS OVER!

Sorry, just had to let that out. My stressing is over!

Thank you all for the replies.

Kielo

I'm making my own country, and calling it Nothing. "We're our own country, and Nothing will save us now!"

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


5 posted 12-18-2002 02:28 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

How did I miss this before? Love the ache, and the resolve.
Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


6 posted 01-06-2003 12:35 AM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Yu Lan

ouuuch. I love it..

One question though - I don't understand one word.. You write: "Take my virtue and submission".. what is 'submission' referring to? I hope that's not a thick question! ^_^

Love,
Lynne

It's nice to share - kiss someone when you have a cold.

Kielo
Senior Member
since 02-11-2002
Posts 1259


7 posted 01-07-2003 08:19 PM       View Profile for Kielo   Email Kielo   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kielo

Thank you all.  

The speaker's tendency to go out of her way to do things for other people, and obeying people.

Kielo

I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing.

[This message has been edited by Kielo (01-07-2003 08:20 PM).]

Nancy Hardin
Member
since 12-02-2009
Posts 58
Nevada, United States of Ameri


8 posted 01-19-2010 01:33 PM       View Profile for Nancy Hardin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nancy Hardin's Home Page   View IP for Nancy Hardin

Oh Lord! I've been there in my long life, (maybe several times!)the unspeakable piercing anguish of being betrayed. You expressed that so well, and I think the end was just right!

suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 07-29-99
Posts 20770
on the threshold of a dream


9 posted 01-22-2010 08:43 PM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

It amazes me that I've been around here so long and still manage to miss so much. *S*

I really like this... know this. *S*
Brian James
Member
since 06-26-2005
Posts 147
Winnipeg


10 posted 09-03-2010 02:47 AM       View Profile for Brian James   Email Brian James   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brian James

This is quite good.  And whoever said the ending needs to be changed doesn't know what he's talking about.  It's perfect.

"To me, the thing that art does for life is to clean it, to strip it to form."
~Robert Frost

 
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