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Passions in Poetry

The Rag Man (revision)

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Local Parasite
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since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


0 posted 11-27-2002 04:12 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

(I'm really bent on improving this poem without changing its context altogether.  Took a few of your suggestions.  Racked my brain to reword "garbage can," thank you JM.     I had PDV remove the old thread, here's my revised copy.  Hope you enjoy.)

Uphold thy gaze, that thou might'st see
  There is a man, in tatters, laced
  And furthermore, so gallantly
  He carrieth a bin of waste
  Tis foul of all incenses, spoil'd
  His hands are thick and overtoil'd

And if thou look'st, thou shalt recieve
  But questions offer'd in reply
  Thou thinkest well, but shan't concieve
  It is not worth to try
  Tis hard to tell, I cannot place
  what marks those marks upon his face

His walk is with a lilt of pride
  though limp'd and lame, his narrow knees
  do scamper in a haughty ride
  And ne'er shall fail to please
  Perhaps it is a fault of me
  to ne'er be pleas'd with leprocy

But see him deeper, I implore
  Thou may'st admire his revelry
  Those sockets sunk with pleasure more
  That thou regardest he
  And know thee well, what parted tongue
  is from that maw of sequins hung
  
Allow thee not thy questions many
  Wrap their fingers 'cross thine eyes
  For this, this chance to never any
  Tis a worthy prize
  Present thyself  into his mind
  That he might off  er back, in kind

But shame, o shame on you and I
  For, held he not a bin of waste,
  He'd shake thy hand, and know thy words
  and hold thee for a taste
  Tis shameful, he who looketh down
  Shall ne'er behold his earthly crown
  
Perhaps it is a wisdom lost
  That rickets, now, away from we
  Perhaps we ne'er shall know what cost
  Our sacrifice might see
  That we, whose feet are sure and ready
  Know our steps to be more steady

Away thine eyes, thou sapless wight
  Relinquish thee, what colours stand
  For, were it not a blur of sight
  Thou would'st have shook his hand
  Instead of trail his broken stance
  With thy most spoil'd and simple glance.

[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (11-28-2002 02:23 AM).]

© Copyright 2002 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
Janet Marie
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since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


1 posted 11-27-2002 10:43 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

I called Bill Shakes on the moth phone and read him this pome...
he said to tell you "thou art way cool"  
who knew a bug could have so much cadence lol
You turned trash into poetry...how cool is that
youre welcome and thank you  

[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (11-27-2002 10:44 PM).]

Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
Posts 12075


2 posted 11-29-2002 08:43 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

YES... this reads to me much better! The rework certainly worth the effort in my opinion... very cool!
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


3 posted 11-29-2002 11:37 AM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

Ah..yes. The archiac language is toned down enough to keep the flavor but make it much easier to read. This turned out great!!
Riley
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 07-18-2002
Posts 1122
in the pouring rain


4 posted 11-30-2002 11:02 AM       View Profile for Riley   Email Riley   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Riley

I got very confused reading all the old english ( I guess thats what its called ) but then I slowed down, turned everything off, and read it slowly. It was an awesome story line...I really liked that. Though I could never write anything like it, with all the old english....but anyway...loved it..


Riley

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

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