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Passions in Poetry

Ice Lidded Awakening - a work in progress - a poet in transition

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Poet deVine
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Hurricane Alley


0 posted 11-25-2002 09:41 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Poet deVine


Trees dressed in creak
Glittering in morning sun
Ice lidded awakening
A new day has begun

Rain not snow the painter
Of morning slippery serene
A gasp of pleasure, a smile
At December morning scene

Two months from today
We’ll moan ‘when will it end’
But today, in twinkle glow
We marvel at winter’s portend
***

Ok...Cpat Hair gave me the phrase 'ice lidded awakening'...I wanted to write about an ice storm - they were in the news last week and I do remember them from living in Michigan. I have the hardest time writing about nature - probably because nature doesn't 'feel'...doesn't have emotions (or does it?).

Any suggestions? I'm open to anything.

© Copyright 2002 Poet deVine - All Rights Reserved
Kielo
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1 posted 11-25-2002 10:26 PM       View Profile for Kielo   Email Kielo   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kielo

You are right, nature is harder to write than other things, but I found nothing wrong with this. 'Twas wonderful.

Kielo

According to statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds. I don't know who this fellow is, but I know where to find him.
-Morey Amsterdam

wranx
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Moved from a shack to a barn


2 posted 11-26-2002 02:39 AM       View Profile for wranx   Email wranx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for wranx

Nature does have emotion, Sharon

A storm can glower in its' anger.
See it bluster in frustration, howl in its' fury.

Hear the stream sing in its' own contentment.

Yanno?

Glad to see these words.

Triolet? why yes. For my part, anyway.

Ed

Cpat Hair
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3 posted 11-26-2002 08:11 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

(chuckling) HOW can you say nature does not feel? Have you never heard the river sing or the trees sigh?

Your version in rhyme and form... nicely done, but why not show me how it feels as well?  A free verse perhaps, leaving the realm of rhyme behind and stretching yourself to add the emotions or a memory it brings back. Michigan you say... so what did thinking about it bring to mind? funny,sad,painful...????

I like this.... but think you can do better by adding depth to it..don't just report it to me make me see it and feel it...make me feel the cold or the awe or the dread of longer still winter... (smiling)

you should have never asked... (laughing)


Cpat Hair
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4 posted 11-26-2002 08:37 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

Kielo... why is nature hard to write about?
I have always found the weather..and nature to be easy metaphors for so many things human...one needs only watch and observe the things around them and think how they are like or might illustrate something inside you... I am curious why you think it hard to write...and I am not being mean or picking on you...just would like to know...
Poet deVine
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5 posted 11-26-2002 09:20 AM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

Wranx - isn't a triolet an outhouse with three holes? LOL

Ok..Ok..I will work on this...I guess I should say that I'm not good at describing things..my prose is more about conversations than description of the surrounding area. (a shameless ploy to get someone to read my prose!)
Cpat Hair
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6 posted 11-26-2002 09:38 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

then write it as a conversation...


Daybreak kissed
open mouthed
the memories of other days
as the sun
blinked in ice lidded awakening
to greet trees whispering creak
from thick rain
too cold to run off suspended limbs
reaching up for salvation

Beauty
in glistening reflected hues,
rose to diamond,
blinds minds eye
to the longer nights
filled with freezing heave
and the struggle to
keep fires burning
since you've been

gone

[This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (11-26-2002 10:10 AM).]

serenity blaze
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7 posted 11-26-2002 10:21 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

hands on hips..

"AN OUTHOUSE WITH THREE HOLES?"

some people just grow up spoiled I guess--

and I'll talk to you about the rest of your views on nature later, you!
Local Parasite
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8 posted 11-26-2002 01:19 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Poet DeVine -

I like this, but I agree that it cries out for a more extensive description... I myself have trouble with description sometimes, but there are tricks to get around it.  
First - Explore all of the sensual realms and appeal to as many of them as possible.  Talk about the sounds and smells, the feeling, the temperature, etc.
Second - be specific.  Try to capture the exact specifics.  Not just the colours -- the exact colours; not just the scents -- the exact scents.
Third - creative vocab is good, but is nowhere near as effective as comparisons.  Appeal to things that exist.  People have various definitions for words, and let's face it, some of us don't even know what a lot of words mean.  Comparitive techniques like metaphor and similie help to avoid connotational issues, and keep your message clear.

These are things I try to keep at the front of my mind when writing.  Consider it general advice, and NOT personal critique.  Okay?     Okay.

As for your poem... other than what's been said about enhancing the imagery a bit more... I like it quite a bit.  It's good to know that at least one of the touchy-feely poets out there are willing to dip into a little bit of mimetic poetry once in a while.  

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

Paul Wilson
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9 posted 11-26-2002 09:45 PM       View Profile for Paul Wilson   Email Paul Wilson   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Paul Wilson

Poet deVine~ The rage of natures storms and the softness of its touch during a lovely snow fall & the continuing life it gives each Spring should be a challenge to write about, but I know you can describe it better than I...Paul

[This message has been edited by Paul Wilson (11-26-2002 09:46 PM).]

Poet deVine
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10 posted 11-26-2002 09:59 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

Trees dressed in creak
Glittering in morning sun
Ice lidded awakening
A new day has begun


winter rains kiss
gnarled oak
dressing them
in glitter's creak
morning sighs
with ice
lidded awakening


How's that?


(am I a touchy feely poet?)
Poet deVine
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11 posted 11-26-2002 10:00 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

I don't like it.

I'm going to keep working on it..thanks for your input guys...I'll be BACK!!
Cpat Hair
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12 posted 11-27-2002 08:56 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

nice start Ms Devine... I wouldn't scrap the whole of what you began with but instead tweak it. (smiling) Something tells me you will end up with something to make us all go WOW.... wish I had written that!

Kielo
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13 posted 11-27-2002 01:26 PM       View Profile for Kielo   Email Kielo   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kielo

Probably because I find description far more difficult than emotional description. I can't analyze and re-analyze the appearance of a tree, but I analyze emotions and situations as long as they still bother me... (anywhere from a week to a year, to years) I can, but it takes a lot more work. I think. Let me analyze the question, and I'll get back to you. heh...

Kielo

According to statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds. I don't know who this fellow is, but I know where to find him.
-Morey Amsterdam

Cpat Hair
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14 posted 11-27-2002 03:38 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

Keilo... perhaps the idea of spending hours analyzing a tree is the wrong approach. Just observe..and by that I mean really see the things around you and store them away.

Ever notice how the shade under a tree in the summertime can look the same as sunlight through lace curtains?

or how a thunderstorm building on the hozon can make you feel a bit apprehensive, or excited?

or how when it snows the world grows quieter and the sounds you hear are changed?

all those things can be and have been used in poetry to explain or illustrate emotions...

describing a thunderstorm is a good excersize if you want ot practice....

Poet deVine
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15 posted 11-29-2002 11:47 AM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

winter rains kiss
gnarled oak
dressing them
in glitter's creak
morning sighs with
ice lidded awakening
December sleep

Time will come
When this scene
Is old to eyes and heart
Wishing for spring
And greenery
We long for something new

But today in fresh
Winter eyes
We marvel at
crystal covered
winter’s portend


***
This feels clunky to me...I'm just not getting it!!! Sigh.
Cpat Hair
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16 posted 12-02-2002 09:23 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

you are getting closer... but it still is distant and does not tell me why it will get old or feel old...nor why today it is beautiful.. ( smiling)

This I do like..and like it better than the others... make me feel it now... make me relate it to something I have experienced..
put some of "you" in it...and let the reader take out of it some of themselves. You are still reporting to some degree, but a few steps closer to showing than you were...


 
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