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things

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brian sites
Senior Member
since 06-25-2002
Posts 1500
usa


0 posted 11-25-2002 02:01 AM       View Profile for brian sites   Email brian sites   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for brian sites

I ground the maze
for lost
and lonely bread
and I wrapped my shades
around the things
she said
I drank my whine
with elegant
dismay
and she hurled my time
at things
I wouldn't say

I break the sod
for a home
within the sky
we create the god
for things
that we would cry
I scan the road
with a glint
of fast dream
and I pay what's owed
with the red things
I scream
© Copyright 2002 brian sites - All Rights Reserved
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


1 posted 11-25-2002 03:12 AM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

I'm going to make a weird comment, okay?  Sometimes I see a person's poetry in their choice of icon.  Yours for example... an overlook of the city at night.  When everything is asleep, everything is still.  You stand back and take a picture of it all.

This poem stands above the city, looks down at it, and paints what it sees.  It sees people.  But what it paints is the human soul...

Terrific work.  I love it.

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


2 posted 11-25-2002 12:24 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

I just need to say that "I ground the maze" is the best opening line/sorta pun ever!

Thank you. :bows:

Mike
brian sites
Senior Member
since 06-25-2002
Posts 1500
usa


3 posted 11-25-2002 02:47 PM       View Profile for brian sites   Email brian sites   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for brian sites

damn LP....
thank you  
but to tell you the truth?
I didn't like this one very much
got tired of working on it
and just posted it
but you honor me..thanks again

Mike?
no, hardly the best
that distinction, I think
would be found in one of yours
but thank you friend
Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
Posts 12075


4 posted 11-26-2002 09:47 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

an interesting write Brian... I too like the opening and find myself torn between giants grinding my bones to bake their bread and images of hand grinding maze... both of which feed into the rest of the poem depending on how it is taken by the reader...

I understand your not being satidfied with it... for as good as it is it lacks something..but darned if I know what.

it is good..and I did enjoy...
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


5 posted 11-26-2002 10:25 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I tend to be partial to the second stanza...

and I agree that there is a certain element amiss here. Perhaps another verse bridging the two ideas, so that it's not quite such a leap?

I would like to see how one gets from there to here...
quietlydying
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 06-10-2001
Posts 1316
the wonderful land of oz


6 posted 12-02-2002 01:58 AM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for quietlydying

brian, do you see anything in my icon?

hahaha.

'I drank my whine'

was this deliberate?  if so, i like it!  

very tart.  enjoyed it muchly.

/jen/

i'm so bitterly disappointed.  betty, i think it's time you leave now.

 
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