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Passions in Poetry

I cried for you

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LoveBug
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
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Member Ascendant
since 01-08-2000
Posts 5015


0 posted 11-23-2002 11:22 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for LoveBug

Could a mod please close this one? I don't really want it up. Thanks

© Copyright 2002 Erica N. - All Rights Reserved
Local Parasite
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since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


1 posted 11-25-2002 03:19 AM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

The last two lines are iambic tetrameter.  SEE??  You're a natural, you can't get away from it.  

This is one of those personal poems, but I'm going to keep in key with the philosophy of Sanctuary and give some structural comments anyways.

First of all, I think you brought up the whole "I went out tonight" thing a bit too late in the poem.  By then I was comfortable with the abstract, non-physical content of the poem.  Then you changed it to a description of visual event, from a description of mental state, and that bothered me.  I think you should have strayed from the description of state a little more gradually.  Maybe describe your physical state first, and use that to move into physical event...

You gotta remember to keep your poems unified... if you start out one way, make a shift into the other, not a jump... a shift.  

Thanks for posting this here.  I wouldn't have expected you to post something like this in the sanctuary, but that's fine... it's a sanctuary... hugs all around.     I would offer you comfort but that would be something you would read tomorrow.  You're asleep right now.

Dream sweetly, Erica.  And wake up smiling.

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

bsquirrel
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Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


2 posted 11-25-2002 12:26 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

I agree with what Parasite said regarding structure.

There's a great poem waiting to burst out of this, and I think it begins with the following line:

Time flows by, Iím sure.

Phew, that's just ..... wow.

Mike
 
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