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Passions in Poetry

Oh, How They Leave

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bsquirrel
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Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


0 posted 10-25-2002 12:11 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for bsquirrel

Rain collected in glasses
measured the sky's outpouring.
These roads are barely dampened;
the sun too strict to let breath past.

Her voice once equaled dreams
to climb in, climb in, tuck into sleep.
Now her ghost leaves but a pause
in the raw of comprehension.

The light seems pale and frigid;
winter happens not in this city.
Yet snow cakes buildings far away,
hanging frost and freezing trees.

I drive toward the sea.
Waves chase waves upon waves to destruction.
They all come back below the horizon.
Oh, how they leave.

[This message has been edited by bsquirrel (10-25-2002 02:11 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 MPC - All Rights Reserved
Local Parasite
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since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


1 posted 10-25-2002 01:39 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Mike - extremely strong writing, here.  I have a few suggestions, though...

The way the beginning is phrased, it's kind of a sentence fragment... if you said "rain is" or "measures the sky's outpouring," it would be more complete and less broken up.  It would also be a lot more clear... you kind of set up a statement and then just ignore it in the second half of the stanza.

"Snow cakes buildings far away" is also strangely worded.  It's almost too vague, what you're describing.  What snow cakes what buildings?  Know what I mean?  Maybe "the snow cakes buildings far away" or "snow cakes the buildings far away," depending on what you prefer... but the way it's phrased, it just seems too broad and uncertain.  It does affect the effectiveness of the line, which is the only reason I pointed it out...

The ending is rather good... I like the shorter, last line... how it allows a pause in the reading tempo of the poem, so that the reader has a second to simply absorb it, or savour it a little bit more.

Nicely written, Mike.  I think you might want to work on the grammar a tad, so that some of the sentences are a little bit more clear.

Of course, that's just my opinion.  

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


2 posted 10-25-2002 02:14 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Thanks, LP. I made a few changes based on your suggestions.

Rain collected in glasses
measured the sky's outpouring.

from

Rain collected in glasses
to measure the sky's outpouring.

(I was mixing tenses)

Yet snow cakes buildings far away

from

Snow cakes buildings far away.

What do you think?
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
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since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


3 posted 10-28-2002 11:22 AM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Ah, it reads through much more smoothly now... thanks for regarding my comments...
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


4 posted 10-28-2002 01:18 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Thanks for taking the time to make those comments.
Midnitesun
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since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020
Gaia


5 posted 11-01-2002 07:25 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

I never stop by this part of the forum. My mistake, for this was well worth the detour.
brian madden
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since 05-06-2000
Posts 4532
ireland


6 posted 11-01-2002 10:07 PM       View Profile for brian madden   Email brian madden   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for brian madden

The light seems pale and frigid;
winter happens not in this city.
Yet snow cakes buildings far away,
hanging frost and freezing trees.
a beautifully written scene filled with sorrow and reflection, enjoyed.

The ladders of life that we scale merrily Move mysteriously around So that when you think you're climbing up, man In fact you're climbing down-Nick ca

 
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