Oh, How They Leave - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

0 posted 2002-10-25 12:11 PM

Rain collected in glasses
measured the sky's outpouring.
These roads are barely dampened;
the sun too strict to let breath past.

Her voice once equaled dreams
to climb in, climb in, tuck into sleep.
Now her ghost leaves but a pause
in the raw of comprehension.

The light seems pale and frigid;
winter happens not in this city.
Yet snow cakes buildings far away,
hanging frost and freezing trees.

I drive toward the sea.
Waves chase waves upon waves to destruction.
They all come back below the horizon.
Oh, how they leave.

[This message has been edited by bsquirrel (10-25-2002 02:11 PM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-10-25 01:39 PM

Mike - extremely strong writing, here.  I have a few suggestions, though...

The way the beginning is phrased, it's kind of a sentence fragment... if you said "rain is" or "measures the sky's outpouring," it would be more complete and less broken up.  It would also be a lot more clear... you kind of set up a statement and then just ignore it in the second half of the stanza.

"Snow cakes buildings far away" is also strangely worded.  It's almost too vague, what you're describing.  What snow cakes what buildings?  Know what I mean?  Maybe "the snow cakes buildings far away" or "snow cakes the buildings far away," depending on what you prefer... but the way it's phrased, it just seems too broad and uncertain.  It does affect the effectiveness of the line, which is the only reason I pointed it out...

The ending is rather good... I like the shorter, last line... how it allows a pause in the reading tempo of the poem, so that the reader has a second to simply absorb it, or savour it a little bit more.

Nicely written, Mike.  I think you might want to work on the grammar a tad, so that some of the sentences are a little bit more clear.

Of course, that's just my opinion.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

2 posted 2002-10-25 02:14 PM

Thanks, LP. I made a few changes based on your suggestions.

Rain collected in glasses
measured the sky's outpouring.

from

Rain collected in glasses
to measure the sky's outpouring.

(I was mixing tenses)

Yet snow cakes buildings far away

from

Snow cakes buildings far away.

What do you think?

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2002-10-28 11:22 AM

Ah, it reads through much more smoothly now... thanks for regarding my comments...

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

4 posted 2002-10-28 01:18 PM

Thanks for taking the time to make those comments.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

5 posted 2002-11-01 07:25 PM

I never stop by this part of the forum. My mistake, for this was well worth the detour.

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

6 posted 2002-11-01 10:07 PM

The light seems pale and frigid;
winter happens not in this city.
Yet snow cakes buildings far away,
hanging frost and freezing trees.
a beautifully written scene filled with sorrow and reflection, enjoyed.

The ladders of life that we scale merrily Move mysteriously around So that when you think you're climbing up, man In fact you're climbing down-Nick ca

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.