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Passions in Poetry

Something I wanted to share with you guys

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Dee
Member Elite
since 08-19-2000
Posts 2361
Queensland, Australia


0 posted 02-05-2002 05:49 AM       View Profile for Dee   Email Dee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Dee

A Philosophical Journey.

Seven horsemen, riding tall,
Compassion leading the way.
Hope constantly by his side,
his companion night and day.
Truth riding up next, alone,
not needing any support.
Trust will always follow Truth
A lifelong cohort.
Hand in hand, inseparable,
Love and Beauty follow on,
leading the way for one more...
the end result of Freedom.


I was told this doesn't read right. I'm not so sure of it now.
I would like a couple of opinions but I don't want to put it in Crit.
And thanks for the help with it Eddie  

Dee

I wish you every happiness and may you always have the best of the good things in life.     a brand

[This message has been edited by Dee (02-05-2002 06:01 AM).]

© Copyright 2002 Dee Manders - All Rights Reserved
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


1 posted 02-05-2002 08:21 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Seven horsemen, riding tall,
Compassion leading the way.
Hope constantly by his side,
his companion night and day.
Truth riding up next, alone,
not needing any support.
Trust will always follow Truth
A lifelong cohort.
Hand in hand, inseparable,
Love and Beauty follow on,
leading the way for one more...
the end result of Freedom.
=================================

Hey groovy girl
youve got some really cool lines in this...
I love the truth and trust line ...
the first half of the poem reads well and the cadence and flow work...when I got to line 8 is where my reading lost its pace...
I think that line needs just a few more syllables.
The next lines are fine cadence wise...till the last line...I think it also ends a bit too abruptly..and part of the problem is the rhyming of "on" and Freedom" is a little forced, but its "do-able" if you can get your cadence back on the last line.
Or maybe try something like:
Love and Beauty are next to come,
Freedom is one of those hard to rhyme exact words...so you have to go with a similar sound. My hoosier St.Lou accent may not read the same as someone elses

Read it aloud and listen to the beat of your words.
I love the theme of this and your message.
hope this helps
good luck girlie-girl..ya cant go wrong with an Eagle poet-sir helping ya

You speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhymes.
My body aches to breathe your breath ... your words keep me alive.

~Sarah McLachlan~

Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 04-06-2000
Posts 10553


2 posted 02-05-2002 09:24 AM       View Profile for Irish Rose   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Irish Rose

the end result makes it a fabulous poem hon.

Kathleen--(Kay)
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee


Dee
Member Elite
since 08-19-2000
Posts 2361
Queensland, Australia


3 posted 02-05-2002 03:38 PM       View Profile for Dee   Email Dee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dee

Thanks for that Janet. I will do a bit of a fiddle with those lines and see how I go.

Kay, glad you saw what I was trying to say. I wasn't really sure myself. lol

Dee

I wish you every happiness and may you always have the best of the good things in life.     a brand

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


4 posted 02-06-2002 11:35 AM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

I think Janet has some good points....this is very good though!
Jamie
Member Elite
since 06-26-2000
Posts 3219
Blue Heaven


5 posted 02-07-2002 07:44 PM       View Profile for Jamie   Email Jamie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Jamie's Home Page   View IP for Jamie

Other than the things JM noted,,

quote:
Seven horsemen, riding tall,
Compassion leading the way.
Hope constantly by his side,
his companion night and day.


If compassion is leading the way-- hope can't really be by his side-- but if this is the picture you want to present, it can be overlooked---- and if you keep it- i would suggest losing the two "his"--they are too close together-- maybe instead substitute--

hope constantly alongside
a companion night and day.

you might even put an adjective in front of companion---

a very nice piece Dee-- I enjoyed it.

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

Dee
Member Elite
since 08-19-2000
Posts 2361
Queensland, Australia


6 posted 02-07-2002 11:09 PM       View Profile for Dee   Email Dee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dee

Thanks Jamie. I think that a leader can have someone by their side and still be the one leading. I guess that is just personal interpretation.
As for the other comments, I will look at them and see what changes I come up with. Thanks a lot.

Dee

I wish you every happiness and may you always have the best of the good things in life.     a brand

Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


7 posted 02-13-2002 05:24 PM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

Dee, this is really an interesting read, and one I like a bit more each time I read it. It kinda reminds me a bit (small bit) of James Thurber's 'The Wonderful O'. Thank you for posting this one.

Alicat
Dee
Member Elite
since 08-19-2000
Posts 2361
Queensland, Australia


8 posted 02-13-2002 06:49 PM       View Profile for Dee   Email Dee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dee

Ali, this was just something I thought when I watched seven riders coming over the bridge towards my house.
Tell me what is James Thurber's 'The Wonderful O'? I have not heard of it.

Dee

I wish you every happiness and may you always have the best of the good things in life.     a brand

Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


9 posted 02-14-2002 09:34 AM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

It's hard to explain without giving too much away. Check your local library for Thurber, one of America's noted satirists.

BTW, thanks for the inspiration to this poem. It's interesting how some things or events trigger that Muse Muscle, eh? And, if possible, that image serves to strengthen the poem.
Dee will be notified of replies
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