Distort, Reflect, Descend, Remain (four tanka)

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Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

0 posted 2001-08-17 09:13 PM

Distort
fragmented vision
curled within a ball of glass
swirling on its way
eyes screeching defiantly
towards darkened horizons

Reflect
forever captive
resistance, the coward's game
a fog horn echoes
thus begins my retrospect
surveying my memories

Descend
spoons on the window
gravity gaily cack'ling
nurturing my fall
such sweet romance is down there
the rift iced with bone marrow

Remain
cluttered eyes crying
the echoes graze upon me
picking clean my corpse
roped by skin and excrement
tethered by unfeathered wings

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

1 posted 2001-08-17 10:06 PM

Lany!

*waves*
You have yet to discourage me. Your poetry is incredibly beautiful. Personally, my favorite tankas were Descend and Remain.

'spoons on the window
gravity gaily cack'ling'

wonderful imagery there. I could just see it perfectly in my mind.

'picking clean my corpse
roped by skin and excrement
tethered by unfeathered wings'

Really haunting here...sent shivers up my spine.

4 very different Tankas, yet all in relation to each other.
And thank you for all your encouragement and comments on my work! I really appreciate your support.

Till later.

-Leah

Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

[This message has been edited by chasing rain (edited 08-18-2001).]

Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

2 posted 2001-08-18 10:22 PM

Dr. Dr. tell me the news I got a..bad caaase of looovin youuuu....
*coughs*
Anyways...Wonderful tankas Sir Allan. The last one was the best, imho. The first three were just so like your normal style, but the last was more thought-provoking and abstract... Very well done, my lord, very well done.
~Carly

Speak softly and carry a beagle.

"Go outside and use your own eyes. You'll be surprised to see things you've never been taught."
~Edouard Manet

stace_co2003
Member

since 2001-03-30

Posts 497
In a dream world

3 posted 2001-08-19 01:24 AM

well Allan, I don't suppose I can tell you how to improve anything. considering the fact that it's 1:30 in the morning...I can't really understand this too well, but I tell you what I'm gonna do.. I'm gonna put it in my library, and look over it again tomorrow and reply again tomorrow when I've got a fresh mind about thins.

sound good? great!

Stace

I LOVE ZU, hey Albie, Cody, Allan, Carly, Cherish, Lizzy, Kris, *HUGS JAVI*, Tamma, Acire, and Branden.
*HUGS ZU*

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

4 posted 2001-08-19 03:57 PM

Wow... this is awesome. Awesome images. Distort and Remain were by far my favorite. All of them paint such a clear picture, and leave the reader with chill bumps... Nicely done.
"cluttered eyes crying
the echoes graze upon me
picking clean my corpse
roped by skin and excrement"
Very professionally done as well... I really like the tanka format.
Awesome write, yet again. I am impressed!

--Marie

If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

5 posted 2001-08-21 01:45 PM

Thanks you guys... I wrote these in the "new topic" box. I seriously WROTE them there... this was all very very impulse and quick-to-go poetry.
Glad it got such a good review.

You eat the brains of an old, wise man.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

6 posted 2001-08-21 05:24 PM

Nicely done here Allan. You did wonderful here. I like how you put them all together. Beautiful joB!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

7 posted 2001-08-23 10:12 PM

OH this is good. i enjoyed this one lots allan- impuls is a good thing sumtimes boyo!. nicely done here!

Piece you life together and you WILL find holes.

Joyce Johnson

Member Rara Avis

since 2001-03-10

Posts 9912
Washington State

8 posted 2001-09-08 06:53 PM

Beautiful. Really you seem to have the ability to find exactly the right word to convey your meaning. I envy that in any poet. Joyce

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

9 posted 2001-09-09 05:57 AM

I'm impressed! No wonder you were spoken for first in the Workshop!

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

10 posted 2001-09-10 01:11 PM

Indeed impulse is a good thing. Not only does it come out with some of our best poetry, it shows who can write better in a crowd of limelight grabbers.

'Remain' was a tanka that stood out for me. It seemed to feel a lot like your older writings whilst the others were more your typical pieces. 'Remain' had more depth to it and felt to have more emotion.

Anyway, glad to have caught something new from you. Keep up the good work.

~AF~

"Kelly's my Hero!" "No, Kelly's your heroine." "Kelly has heroin??" "What?"

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

11 posted 2001-09-10 11:31 PM

You wrote these on the spot? Heh, well done!

I definitely enjoyed the last one the best, it fits the best with its title, and the whoel atmosphere of it is.. well, it remains.
I don't think I understand your "spoons on the window" .. I don't know, I must be missing something, but I can't imagine what that might be meaning. and it might be the "such sweet romance", beause it is said so often, that makes me like this one the least.. it's not that it's terrible,

but your last on is considerably better

-Lynne

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