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Grumble

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Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


0 posted 08-11-2001 05:00 AM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Yu Lan

Yeah this is another one for my poetic writing portfolio, I'm trying to submit a range of poetry, ie some sad, some cheerful, loving, humerous, cheeky.. blahblahblah.. yeah, so, what do you think??

Grumble

I think I need a breath mint,
Iíve swallowed mouldy play-dough.
I wasnít even hungry, but,
they kicked me ítil I ate.

I am old and tired now
gave up sucking yesterday.
With play-dough lunch lonely inside
Iím locked away in shame.

My replacementís young and cute,
already kissed the carpet.
Iím jealous because I canít suck,
canít even bite his dust!


I'm not sure about the last lines, but I can't quite pick what's wrong with them! Anybody help??
Lynne

ďOne word can be magical. Imagine then, the effect of several words, together..Ē

© Copyright 2001 Lynne Miura, nťe Chudley - All Rights Reserved
Allan Riverwood
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-04-2001
Posts 4212
Winnipeg


1 posted 08-17-2001 05:29 PM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood

The last lines... well, they don't work because it's a cliche.  It's that simple.
The rest of it was written well, you are good at selecting the right formatting to suit your tone.  This poem was written well in that the last lines were shorter than the rest, it gave it a playful tone.  What I drew from this poem was a sulky toddler attitude.     Very nicely done.
Written well, I did enjoy this.  Add it for the sake of variety.  It's different, but I admit I did like your others that I read more.
Keep on posting, Yu Lan.  
Yours,
~Allan

The children of the nobility are playing here. they look up at you with disgust as you come near.

Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


2 posted 08-17-2001 07:54 PM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Yu Lan

Yes, I had a lot of trouble with the last lines, I had things like "this really blows" blahblah, but it didn't really seem to fit, so i figured RIGHT! That's it, I'll put some lines in, and see what you guys think.. heh, guess I was right.   Thank you Allan..
-Lynne

Nothing in life, if you study it close enough, and long enough, makes sense. But only once you have understood why it doesnít make sense, can you be s

Dopey Dope
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since 08-30-2000
Posts 15536
San Juan, Puerto Rico


3 posted 08-21-2001 05:21 PM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

Hey this was a nice one here as well Yu! Looking forward to more.  

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


4 posted 09-10-2001 11:12 PM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Yu Lan

Thanks Javi!   I'll have to get busy with the poetry again soon, school assignmentes are too depressing..  

[This message has been edited by Yu Lan (edited 09-10-2001).]

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