Member Rara Avis
Don't fall over - it's me. I've been delving around in here and couldn't resist commenting on this simply because well..I just like it so much. Yes, it is an almost translucent poem. Now that might not make sense to anyone but me, but there you go. Believe me it's a compliment. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to rip it apart you know. Heh. Seriously, your writing reminds me of some of mine sometimes. Not in an exact way - but in pieces, and lines...and the matter of fact quality. (But I used to be very vague lol.)
I step over dirt grooved into black
which could pass for infinity
**Are you a stickler for punctuation? (Like obssessive me heh) If so this needs to be:
I step over dirt grooved into black,
in the waning evening.
push my hands into my pockets,
** I wonder - is the shiver necessary here? But then if you removed it you'd be presented with the dilemna of keeping the repetition of 'push' in the format you have it, yes? You could just have "Cooling I,/push etc" But that might seem like literary arrogance. Shrug, just a thought.
push under the doorway that used to be yours.
Blue sprayed on the walls:
a friendly obscenity, sans a name
**What are you doing with a capital N and no fullstop?
just thresholds holding rooms together.
I stalk the gutted den,
** Nice, nice...powerful even.
feeling the wood grind against
shards stuck to the soles of my shoes.
** Don't know about the alliteration here. Forced just a tad?
Peer out a broken window
to the cement deck collecting
bits of paper,
** It's technique like this, which personifies the environment, that adds strength to your work. Brings it all closer to the reader. I like.
wet dirt on the air from the canal,
beer bottles, and footprints
… then climb through.
** Odd place for an ellipses.
Tightroping the edge of the dock,
moss concaves to my step
as I cast eyes and longing
over the draining water.
** Agree with Linda on this point even though I know now what it was.
Cherry reflections of the sunset
carve out gold and nostalgia (for a place I just now know)
between the reeds and rusted rings of the pool.
I am beckoned
across the grass in the backyard –
which soaks my socks through my sneakers –
to an umbrella of tree
my understanding of ancient.
*** Ooooooooooooooooooohhh. what's that they say. IWIHWT.
My finger on a nail
holding half a wooden step,
I lose my focus
in the unbounded blur of leaves;
feel as if I’ve sunk into my childhood
and watched the town burn down.
** ACK. What is it with people and semi-colons! There needs to be a semi-colon law. Use it right or die. Sheesh lol.
memories to spaces,
and I nod
Daydream of being a tenant then,
of meeting you here,
stealing to the back room
(that we must guess at behind the padlock)
to you and your music --
trying to beguile
with a sense of humor and youth.
** Ho hum...kinda passive..but nice enough.
Circle toe in the dust, maybe?
Supposing I kissed you,
might I have made it in?
What if I climbed
and you followed
into the arms of my
** Much better lol. Great last line but of course you knew that when you wrote it.
to the cover of black branches
and small glossy leaves,
above the needs of people
who haven’t the luxury of dangling
their shoes over the edge
of fifteen feet and counting,
and leaning back
** liking liking liking a LOT.
to hold the stars in their eyes;
*** bah. Cliche. I don't think the poem needs that line, honestly.
who walk around an old house they owned,
** they're walking currently around a house they used to own? How?
stabbing hands into their pockets
imagining the walls without holes,
the floors without trash,
the seduction of barefoot steps
from the living room to the pond
instead of glass underfoot?
** This is kind of violent. Is it supposed to reflect hidden emotional violence? I like it anyway.
Well, there you go. Rubbishy ramblings from K. But, Beth, I like this - it has that quality you know. The one all writers try to find (well, the serious ones lol).
It is to do with tree-ferns:
mamuka, pongo, wheki.
Shelter under here is so easily understood.
From 'Hope', by Dinah Hawkins
[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 06-09-2001).]