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death
| Open Poetry #18 |
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death |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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It's weird the way a cold shiver came over me when I was telling her about other parents' deaths I struggled to speak and I hadn't revealed anything about my mum's near-death experience y e t . . . |
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| © Copyright 2002 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
This sends shivers down my spine, Faterider.... Well done!  copyright2002 Lyra Nesius |
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dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
love to read you friend kaile....you have such a way of conveying the simplicities, the everyday happenings of life...  enjoyed.. hugs, g ~dgvarner/fallen rain~ |
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Mon Cherie
since 2001-10-31
Posts 922Land of Never-ending Summers |
Wow... this seems real tense...  _,,,^.^,,,_ |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
faterider...where you been...or has it been me that's been gone too much This is a powerful piece, and I found myself very happy for you that you say 'near-death' experience, for your mom. That means you have her at least some longer. Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Hmmm, an interesting snippet, justfor. It intrigues me, but I want a bit more, something that isn't just like an opening gambit in a phone conversation. Also, I'm not getting the significance of your final break, though I can tell there is one. -Carla Sharon Bullard Venerable Member * Posts: 2647 (1/16/02 9:46:06 am) Reply Community Supporter Re: death I enjoyed this! I like your style and how you left me wondering... (something to get the brain moving!) Sharon, floating cloud. justforfun01 Regular Member Posts: 109 (1/18/02 12:21:32 am) Reply | Edit death pcent, how did you guess? this happened to me while i was talking on the phone with a friend....you think this should be expanded? that the snippet wasn't enough? sigh, i was hoping that the reader would kinda get a jolt at the end and spend a few moments wondering about me and my mother..so, it didn't quite work out? about the break, it was representative of the sinking of my heart when this topic(death) came out....on hindsight, i can see though how my break might come across as pretentious and wannabe-ish...will do something about that... sharon, i'm glad you wondered...may i ask what were you wondering about? thanks all hazelnymph Established Member Posts: 468 (1/18/02 12:26:24 am) Reply Re: death This is really choking..it's hard to combine both of the feelings together as "death" brings out so many unforgettable memories. hazel KathleenRS Member Posts: 52 (1/18/02 11:14:54 am) Reply death well, it gave me chills and I can't quite put my finger on which line did it I think it was when you said you hadn't revealed anything yet. Very haunting write. Sharon Bullard Venerable Member * Posts: 2665 (1/18/02 12:38:28 pm) Reply Community Supporter Re: death Hello justforfun! I was wondering what the speaker was experiencing... a cold shiver>>something paranormal, obviously. struggling to speak>>another sign of something happening. I also wondered if your mom did die, even though it was not mentioned. Could be the cold shiver was the presence of your mom. There is lots to wonder about! Sharon justforfun01 Regular Member Posts: 117 (1/18/02 11:32:23 pm) Reply | Edit Re: death hi hazel, thanks for reading...may i ask though what were the two feelings you thought were represented in the poem? just wondering if you have come up with something different from what i expected.. Kathleen, thanks for the "haunting"...i like haunting poems and it gives me great pleasure that you find this musing haunting...makes me want to work harder... sharon, thanks for coming back!! thanks for the interpretation...i was wondering about the cold shiver myself...how and why did it happen? by the way, my mum pulled through...but i hesitate to talk about her experience, preferring to tuck it at the back of my mind...that's why i was struggling to speak, i guess?? thanks all Millard Moderator Posts: 4781 (1/18/02 11:37:01 pm) Reply Re: death Nice premise for a poem, Just. Death, near-death, things people are interested in these days. I have my own little stories too. Good luck with this. Millard. "Enlarge my heart with a story, and change me by the characters I meet there." ...Ken Gire. hazelnymph Established Member Posts: 481 (1/19/02 5:35:37 am) Reply Re: death hi, justforfun, When I read the poem, I felt that was a pretty sad work, the two feelings I've felt was you've suffured from two sorrowful experiences on death, though they are two different experiences, it was quite hard to bare the burden and toughness of your nearest love will be lost. I would rather you tell me if I commented on the point or not. To speak of death, I'd say I will be the same feelings as yours-feeling not very good. hazel craig kirchner2 Member Posts: 48 (1/19/02 9:56:00 am) Reply Re: death Interesting form, opens up a chapter we certainly can all relate to - I think one more image away from great. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
anticipation...haiku Revised: Sun plays peek-a-boo determined to watch it rise~ this sly magician! Original: Sun plays peek-a-boo determined to watch it rise~ peanut butter taste Edited by: justforfun01 at: 1/23/02 10:27:11 am pcent2 Moderator Posts: 8047 (1/19/02 12:51:02 pm) Reply Community Supporter Re: anticipation...haiku Hi justfor! I like this all except for the last line where I am hopelessly confused. I have juggled with various possibilities, including one that makes my own gorge rise rather hideously, but I'm sure I am wrong on all counts. HELP! -Carla ezra7 Regular Member Posts: 204 (1/19/02 1:38:59 pm) Reply Re: anticipation...haiku Hi Justforfun, I am not sure if my interpretation is correct, but my take is that because the sun is in and out (of the clouds?) Perhaps the author has a bittersweet taste in his/her mouth...incomplete, if you will...kinda like peanut butter with no milk to wash it down. Got milk? Just my take...curious if that was yours. Thank you for this poem. ezra "Sometimes a crumb falls from the tables of joy" - Langston Hughes Edited by: ezra7 at: 1/19/02 1:41:15 pm SecondDesire New Member Posts: 3 (1/19/02 6:17:25 pm) Reply Re: anticipation...haiku wow... I was sure I understood this before I read the other comments, but not so sure anymore... I thought you were just eating peanut butter on bread while waiting for the sun to rise! Maybe sitting at the kitchen table, sleepless, staring out the window... I had the whole image in my head...*laughs* queen of silly interpretations has entered the forum... KathleenRS Member Posts: 59 (1/19/02 7:50:20 pm) Reply thank you I'm not sure I understand the ending either! GoldenIlllusions3 Established Member Posts: 313 (1/20/02 12:28:58 am) Reply Re: thank you I loved it....very nice complete haiku... very nice.....Golden justforfun01 Regular Member Posts: 123 (1/23/02 10:30:20 am) Reply | Edit Re: anticipation...haiku actually, i just wanted to say that the experience of watching the sun rise is equal to the sensation of having peanut butter in my mouth... but seeing how no one got my meaning, i revised the last line...i can't very well call myself a poet when no one understands me, right? Mark E Thomas Member Posts: 36 (1/23/02 6:33:18 pm) Reply Re: anticipation...haiku Quite nice! You said much in a restricted frame. Excellent! Mark mariah almostanangel Venerable Member Posts: 755 (1/24/02 8:07:39 am) Reply Re: anticipation...haiku justforfun, although I prefer the magician line better, if you wanna keep the peanut butter line, expand on it and add two more 7, 7 lines with a deeper explanation to make it a tanka or even write several more 5 7 5 lines and make it a renku (renga). The peanut butter line is different but as it stands, makes no sense.... "Truth is eternal, knowledge is changeable" Madeleine L'Engle |
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