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Open Poetry #18

Perhaps the Night

craigrk
Member

since 2001-12-23

Posts 123

0 posted 2002-01-08 06:29 PM

When chronic taut muscles and
bed sheets strain insomnolence,
the body rickets,
lumped and fetal-
struggling in its own existence.
Skin shrivels sugar brown,
grows cancered with
stubbled matted hairs
drawn close as dying clover.
The stomach lolls and thrusts
then lacquers a bile-smeared
sweat a satin gray, and
love pours fast cold and damp
like thick parched rust in driving rain.

A sediment seeking a sifted rest
this senility profits from fatigue -
the blue mist night of space
and heart pound crash of time
are mused by traumaed traffic lights
that dance and sing on bedroom walls,
on pillow cases, choked, soaked blind.
Home's mothered myth opts out
on summer nights like theses
when life's last supper's efforts maim
and crystal to a gagging salt-
a breath released but never missed
a soul sought tangent never gained.

catalinamoon

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-03

Posts 9543
The Shores of Alone

1 posted 2002-01-08 10:23 PM

Whew that was a rough trip through those words. So much pathos here. Visually very strong.
Smile..
Sndra

desperado
Member

since 1999-05-24

Posts 312
FT Hood,Tx

2 posted 2002-01-08 10:31 PM

craigrk - a little constructive critique for you here.

you have a nice way with words on this piece, but you fail to use them effectively. this is a wonderful piece, but it fails to draw the reader in. it just doesn't seem to grasp the attention of the reader and, to me, it makes the reader feel like they have missed something or gotten confused. on the other hand great visuals. I just can't seem to figure out though what the whole struggle is about.

and on a personal note, the last line "a soul sought tangent never gained", that phrase intruiges me. what does that statement mean to you?

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. --Soren Kierkegaard

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