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Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven

0 posted 2002-01-04 05:10 PM



I Am Not William

I can only trace my family back
to William, a man born in  1806,
my grandfather’s grandfather, who
at  28 became a minister and at 35
the superintendent of public schools.
He was pastor to many churches over the years,
I think because of indiscretions with female
members of the congregations.
He founded a church which 100 years later
had one of his grandsons as pastor.
Many of his heirs followed him into the clergy
while many more took the opposite path,
filling both prisons and cemeteries.

I have seen a picture of
the grandfather I never knew.
He died in 1948 in his 61st year.
My grandmother thought he was 51.
He deceived her for 26 years.
It is a  yellowed black and white
and in it his eyes look clear.
I heard his eyes were a shade of blue
that could read a woman’s soul
and take away the pride of  men.
It is told more than one last saw them
peering over the sights of a pistol.
If so, I could never find a record of it.

My eyes are brown and nondescript,
otherwise you would know his son
was my father, whose eyes held you
with that same fear inspiring blue.
I am both of them and neither.
My younger years saw me living in
the blue eyed ways, and I sometimes
wondered if I was running from the church,
when  really I was only fleeing from myself.
I wasn’t blue eyed, but I had to act as if I was.
I sought to hold many maidenly hands,
while my heart wished for the hands of just one.
It  happened only twice, and I lost both times.


I have cried brown-eyed tears from
the  feel of fire-hot children against my face,
and wished for  daddy’s blue ones
to look upon those that caused their fate.
I am a failure - I am a victor, and
sometimes, I am a mere spectator when
God decides which breath
is to be the last one drawn.
Just as William was both preacher
and adulterer
if we aren’t careful we can
become a bit of what we do.
Though life is filled with loss,
I am not a loser –
I would rather revel in the little victories.
My loves may no longer be with me,
but I am still a lover.
I may have to work within a philosophy of
first in,  last out  -  my life for yours,
that doesn’t mean I am fearless,
only that sometimes my education
allows me to overcome them, perhaps
making  me a little less of a coward.

I am not a hero.
If I were heroic
I would chase butterflies
instead of fighting fires,
I would add my own name to the list
of those I have helped to live,
and I would be living more
and dreaming less.
Maybe I would be happy to have
my own kind eyes, instead of wishing
for those my mother cheated me out of.
I am not William, who was the patriarch,
I am not Raleigh, who I never met,
I am not Ray, who I both loved and feared,
I am simply me, who has brown eyes,
And,
I am tired.


For A Whispers Caress Challenge



[This message has been edited by Jamie (01-04-2002 10:26 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Jamie Patterson - All Rights Reserved
Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

1 posted 2002-01-04 05:18 PM


amen to those last three words....

I am tired  

also


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My perception of truth will somehow never quite be the same..and so I write.

1slick_lady
Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace
2 posted 2002-01-04 05:21 PM


"Though life is filled with loss,
I am not a loser –
I would rather revel in the little victories.
My loves may no longer be with me,
but I am still a lover.


I am not a hero.
You don’t see many heroes
sleeping alone.
If I were heroic I would chase butterflies
instead of fighting fires
I would try to resuscitate my own life
as well as that of others.
Maybe I would be living more
and dreaming less.

I am simply me.
And,
I am tired."

Jamie...your words just brought tears to my eyes...i disagree with you...any man that can say these words...IS A HERO...your poem is very touching...helen


Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
3 posted 2002-01-04 06:53 PM


Although you don't think so, I do think you are a hero. The REAL LIFE kind. For who you are, what you do and what you wish you could do...and for having such a caring heart.
strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

4 posted 2002-01-04 07:13 PM


Oh gosh Jamie, this was so sensitive, awesome write. floria
Victoria
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 2000-08-12
Posts 5869

5 posted 2002-01-04 07:51 PM


I enjoyed this Jamie..i like the part about running from yourself..not fear itself..makes one think..

              ~Victoria~

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides."
~ David Viscott


                                            


Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
6 posted 2002-01-04 08:01 PM


Jamie...this is beautiful, and I disagree...I believe you are a HERO...the kind we more more of!  
Great writing here my friend, Nancy.

~* A dream is a wish your heart makes... *~

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

7 posted 2002-01-04 08:19 PM




                    My eyes are brown and nondescript,
                    otherwise you would know his son
                    was my father, whose eyes held you
                    with that same fear inspiring blue.
                    I am both of them and neither.
                    My younger years saw me living in
                    the blue eyed ways, and I sometimes
                    wondered if I was running from the church,
                    when  really I was only fleeing from myself.
                    I wasn’t blue eyed, but I had to act as if I was.
                    I sought to hold many maidenly hands,
                    while my heart wished for the hands of just one.
                    It  happened only twice, and I lost both times.


                    I have cried brown-eyed tears from
                    the  feel of fire-hot children against my face,
                    and wished for  daddy’s blue ones
                    to look upon those that caused their fate.
                    I am a failure - I am a victor, and
                    sometimes, I am a mere spectator when
                    God decides which breathe
                    is to be the last one drawn.
                 ===================================
                    Though life is filled with loss,
                    I am not a loser –
                    I would rather revel in the little victories.
                    My loves may no longer be with me,
                    but I am still a lover.
                    I may have to work within a philosophy of
                    first in,  last out  -  my life for yours,
                    that doesn’t mean I am fearless,
                    only that sometimes my education
                    allows me to overcome them, perhaps
                    making  me a little less of a coward.

                    I am not a hero.
                    If I were heroic
                    I would chase butterflies
                    instead of fighting fires,
                    I would my own name to the list
                    of those I have helped to live,
                    and I would be living more
                    and dreaming less.
                    Maybe I would be happy to have
                    my own kind eyes, instead of wishing
                    for those my mother cheated me out of.
                    I am not William, who was the patriarch,
                    I am not Raleigh, who I never met,
                    I am not Ray, who I both loved and feared,
                    I am simply me, who has brown eyes,
                    And,
                    I am tired.
=========================================

and...you are a poet...an excpetional one at that....
this writes most impressive point is its depth of honesty and the sincerety of it's expression.  I was touched by your self exploration and your discoveries.
This is excellent free verse writing Jamie ... the use of past generations and the analogies to your grandfather was a clever and intriquing way to take this.
thank you for sharing you with us ...


Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
8 posted 2002-01-04 09:36 PM


Thanks all-- I don't do many of these challenges, but this one had a theme I had been thinking about of late anyway-- about what makes us what we are-- as in our lineage-upbringing-education -careers etc..) and how we can overcome the bad parts and make use of the good--and sometimes how it all can just leave us exhausted. thanks again.
J

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

9 posted 2002-01-05 06:17 PM


ahhhh Jamie, a challenge well met and so wonderfully written.

I am not a hero.
If I were heroic
I would chase butterflies
instead of fighting fires,


You are a Hero Jamie and we need more Hero's like you.
I really enjoyed reading YOU m'dear, thanks for sharing this touching piece

Mmy  


[This message has been edited by Dark Angel (01-05-2002 06:19 PM).]

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
10 posted 2002-01-05 06:24 PM



Jamie, what an insightful read.  For several decades I did not know my father's ancestry, for several reasons unknown to me...a couple of years ago, I was able to go back through to years to 1440....

but this is very, very good...enjoyed the read...thank you!

Mysteria
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
11 posted 2002-01-05 06:35 PM


Jamie ~ I really enjoyed this free verse on your self discovery.  It is apparent you truly know who you are and what you are capable of.  By choice of trade you may be an unwilling hero, but nonetheless, to us that hold you awe, you are.  The most important discovery within this piece is knowing what you are not!  What a great piece of writing.

~*~ Carpe' Diem ~*~

A Whisper's Caress
Senior Member
since 2000-11-03
Posts 791
on the horizon of a fairytale
12 posted 2002-01-06 12:17 PM


wow, Jamie,
thank you so much for the wonderful response.

I lOVED the references to eye color, very different and very inspiring.

SpitFire
Member Elite
since 2000-04-19
Posts 2396

13 posted 2002-01-06 12:51 PM


What a wonderful, wonderful write from you. My - How it reads. I was caught. Enjoyed. *Peace.
Mon Cherie
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-10-31
Posts 922
Land of Never-ending Summers
14 posted 2002-01-07 10:40 AM


Wow... Your story is really interesting!! Thanks for sharing, it is a good read!!

_,,,^.^,,,_
Florence

Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
15 posted 2002-01-10 01:10 PM


Jamie--I am very touched by the honesty and tender heart that wrote these words.
Kethry
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082
Victoria Australia
16 posted 2002-01-11 07:07 AM


Jamie,
Honest, loving, passionate, caring and tired...all these things make up a hero and you are a hero in my eyes. Such a life filled write.
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind.  Unknown



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