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Open Poetry #18
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kaile
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0 posted 2002-01-03 12:36 PM


my watch a temptress
beckoning me to take a glance
"thou shall not look"
I braced myself to be firm
but failed miserably~
five minutes had passed
since the last time I peeked

the world appeared in shades of blue and black~
I couldn't even seek solace
from the elements of the night,
as per normal
I followed my platoon mates paradoxically~
I was cautious with every step,
apprehensive that my boots be drowned;
yet I was led blindly,
too moody to take mental notes
about my whereabouts

I risked another peek
the watch mercilessly struck only three
life was grossly unfair
why did i have to endure
in the name of national service?

alas! the night was premature
my platoon walked single-file,
in varying states of drowiness,
sighing inaudible pangs,
steadying their (physical & emotional) loads

I wondered what my mates were thinking


© Copyright 2002 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved
dgvarner
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since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552
High Springs, Florida
1 posted 2002-01-03 12:47 PM


hmm..the mates were likely wondering the same as you...

interesting write friend kaile....and i love the first two lines best!

hugs, g

~dgvarner/fallen rain~

"life is that dance we do in the space between 'making it happen' & 'letting it happen'"  marci

Startime
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since 2000-10-03
Posts 5918
Canada
2 posted 2002-01-03 12:49 PM


BRAVO!!!!Reality fills these words. I could see you perfectly and saw you glance around wondering what the others were thinking. BRAVO!!! I love it. **hugs**

Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams.

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
3 posted 2002-01-03 12:52 PM


Faterider,
An interesting write and I enjoyed the read.

kaile
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4 posted 2002-01-03 09:28 PM


gale, the funny thing is in my one-and-a-half years of national service, i never did ask anyone what went through their minds during those long nights of walking...

startime, hope you didn't feel depressed as i did when those images flashed across your mind..

Seymour Tabin,
thanx for the "interesting"


kaile
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5 posted 2002-02-08 07:57 PM



                      i'm weary of the dark

                      my watch a temptress
                      daring me to take a glance
                      "Thou shall not look"
                      I braced myself to be firm
                      but was enticed eventually~
                      five miserable minutes had passed
                      since the last time I looked

                      the world appeared in shades of blue and black~
                      no stars twinkled to distract my distress
                      I didn't care to remember directions,
                      much as I was obliged to
                      My waning energy was rapidly depleting
                      with the obsession I took to placing my steps,
                      lest my boots be drowned
                      and foot rot befall me

                      two hours had crawled
                      since we set off
                      and my watch mercilessly struck three
                      I idly wondered
                      how Robert Frost had felt
                      walking through the woods
                      all those years ago

                      my resistance finally broke
                      as my anger and discontent rose
                      life was grossly unfair
                      why did other guys get to snore
                      while I trespassed nature's grounds?
                      how much more did I have to endure
                      in the name of national service?

                      my platoon walked single-file,
                      steadying their (physical and emotional loads),
                      in varying states of drowsiness,
                      acutely aware that
                      it would be daybreak before we rested

                      I wondered how they were coping

                      Edited by: justforfun01 at: 1/9/02 9:08:08 pm
    Sandy Reynolds
    Established Member
    Posts: 405
    (1/5/02 9:54:44 am)
    Reply
            
                      Re: i'm weary of the dark

                      Hey JUST...

                      A good piece of work here...some nice images too..with some heavy thoughts.
                      Yikes! Bivouac? Viet Nam? Persian Gulf? Afghan.....??? We cope the best we
                      can..don't we? I find solace in writing, how 'bout you? Yeah...you do. Just look
                      at these grand words:

                      I idly wondered
                      how Robert Frost had felt
                      walking through the woods
                      all those years ago

                      Anyway..this is great. I really enjoyed reading. I think you might have a couple
                      of typo's....should that be 'trespassed' in verse 4 and 'drowsiness' in 5?

                      Please don't find me too critical....because I am certainly no expert at crits...but
                      have you thought about replacing the words 'national service' and platoon' with
                      others so ambiguity can remain? Don't get me wrong..this is a great piece of
                      work. I enjoy just a tinge of uncertainty though...I want to figure out where
                      you are by your hint-giving words. National Service and Platoon tell me.

                      Infantry, Airborne, Ranger? Post another and keep me wondering.

                      ~~Sandy
                      Edited by: Sandy Reynolds at: 1/5/02 6:11:32 pm
    hazelnymph
    Established Member
    Posts: 359
    (1/5/02 10:04:24 am)
    Reply
                      Re: i'm weary of the dark

                      this one appears saddness but reliefs about the past, presenting many inner
                      mind's struggles and pains. hazel
    speleocherry  
    Venerable Member
    Posts: 621
    (1/5/02 10:51:03 am)
    Reply
                      Weary Of The Dark

                      Liked the Frost bit too.

                      I wasn't too enamoured of the lack of punctuation at first, but it does add to
                      the feeling of the endlessness of the night. I'd be tempted to change
                      'trespassed' for 'patrolled', but I enjoyed the story.
    justforfun01
    Member
    Posts: 78
    (1/5/02 12:36:34 pm)
    Reply | Edit
                      Re: i'm weary of the dark

                      Sandy,

                      i corrected the typos and please don't hesitate to speak your mind with regards
                      to my work...i'm not at all thin-skinned and i am not here for my ego to be
                      stroked...

                      i did think of changing "national service" but decided to use those words
                      because i thought it would more accurately reflect my experience...but i would
                      think about your suggestion and see if i can tease the reader in other musings

                      sure, i will write another about my NS days and post it soon...thanx for your
                      interest...

                      hazel,

                      thank you for your comment..i must say that those struggles and pains are
                      fond memories now..they make up part of my collective psyche...after all, "what
                      doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"...

                      speleocherry,

                      i'm rather atrocious in terms of punctuation...so the lack of punctuation wasn't
                      deliberate but rather a lapse in my writing skills..if there are any suggestions
                      you can offer me, i will be glad to take them up..

                      i have trouble with "trespassed" too..glad you voiced that out...will think of a
                      better substitute for my next draft...

                      thanx all

       pcent2
    Moderator
    Posts: 7801
    (1/5/02 1:32:07 pm)
    Reply
    Community Supporter

            
                      Re: i'm weary of the dark

                      I like this, jumping right into the middle of the feeling with that splendid first
                      verse, dumping us out before the story ends. (awake should be aware at the
                      end?)

                      I'm in a scissoring mood today, I see, so I want to chop it right down. If I cut it
                      I'd be left with this:

                      my watch a temptress, daring me,
                      "Thou shall not look"
                      five miserable minutes
                      since the last time I looked

                      the world appeared in shades of blue and black~
                      no stars twinkled to distract my distress

                      two hours had crawled since we set off
                      and my watch mercilessly struck three

                      I idly wondered how Robert Frost had felt
                      walking through the woods
                      all those years ago

                      my platoon walked single-file,
                      steadying their loads,
                      in varying states of drowsiness,
                      acutely aware that
                      it would be daybreak before we rested

                      I wondered how they were coping
    KathleenRS
    New Member
    Posts: 2
    (1/5/02 8:43:42 pm)
    Reply
            
                      Re: i'm weary of the dark

                      Some very good images here, "dark' is so hard to write
                      about sometimes. You've given a fresh feel to it!
    justforfun01
    Member
    Posts: 89
    (1/9/02 9:14:57 pm)
    Reply | Edit
                      Re: i'm weary of the dark

                      pcent2,

                      yup, that should be "aware"...

                      you reckon that i should tighten it?..my ex-teacher once pointed out that my
                      writing tends to be a little too wordy and pretentious...do you feel the same
                      way?

                      anyway, i will try your suggestion in my version..thanks for the time you took
                      to "chop" my poem..

                      Kathleen,

                      thanks for the compliment...i think writers write in the hope of introducing
                      something new to the rest of the world..and i'm glad that you feel i succeeded
                      with this musing...

                      thanx all..
    hazelnymph
    Established Member
    Posts: 390
    (1/9/02 9:59:43 pm)
    Reply
                      Re: i'm weary of the dark

                      you're welcome,  Yeah, that's quite a smart warning that how memory kills
                      your best part of your life. hazel


                                                                    

kaile
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Member Ascendant
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146
singapore
6 posted 2002-02-08 08:00 PM



                       One night in my vehicle

                       Yours truly could always sleep in the vehicle
                       despite the unfavourable conditions
                       Packed like cowering refugees under the hull of a ship,
                       we had to forego the fan and
                       cringed at the steady rumbling sound
                       our travelling prison was making

                       The brakes were pulled
                       My buddy poked me in the ribs
                       I woke up, glad that I was a shorty
                       (otherwise, I might hit the ceiling)
                       and disgusted that I napped again,
                       despite my self-reproaches not to

                       We got off fast and charged forwards,
                       yelling our cries half-heartedly "Charge!!"
                       while firing blanks blindly

                       Simulated enemies destroyed
                       We mounted up the vehicle
                       I caught up on my beauty sleep again,
                       much to everyone's chagrin

                       The vicious cycle continued
                       until the whims of my commanders
                       were indulged
                       totally
    Jon369
    Regular Member
    Posts: 130
    (1/10/02 11:43:33 am)
    Reply
                       Re: One night in my vehicle

                       Well! I don't know what to say! I teetered on the brink of ill comprehsnsion
                       for some of the work... yet, the images were very inductive! Is it an "attention
                       based" look at the Buffalo Soldier? Oddly neutral in the face of a moving topic!
                       Enjoyed.
                       Jon


                                                                  

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