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Open Poetry #18
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strbbux
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since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859


0 posted 2002-01-02 10:28 PM


This is my third rewrite of this poem. any comments I will accept. thanks floria


Dance Of The Flames

The glowing flames leap in the hearth,
Dancers in red tights and gold gowns.
Swirling and jumping with elegant grace,
As they move to the crackling sounds.

They twist and twirl over flaming logs
Their arms reaching out to take hold.
Partners then, they chose for themselves,
And a breath taking dance now unfolds.

The tango, a passionate dance,
With rhythm the dancers entwine.
Their wonderful movements excite me,
As the music and beat they define.

Next begins the sweet song of ballet,
As the flickering flames hypnotize .
On dainty toes they pirouette,
Their fingers reach to the skies.

Exhausted their energy dwindles,
And the dance floor of logs turns to ash.
Costumes turn blue, as the heat fades away,
Then finally the dance floor will crash.

What's left behind, just smoldering logs,
As the stunning dancers retire
Disappear in the night, gone, their light,
The flames die down and expire

Floria aka strbbux

© Copyright 2002 Floria Kelderhouse - All Rights Reserved
Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
1 posted 2002-01-02 10:32 PM


Floria, you do an excellent job combining the different dances and images they represent into a beautiful poem...
Lone Wolf
Member Ascendant
since 2000-03-16
Posts 5842
Lansing, MI USA
2 posted 2002-01-02 10:37 PM


Your imagery is stunning, Floria.  Nicely done.  

All writing comes
by the grace of God.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

3 posted 2002-01-03 08:29 AM


Thank you balladeer, usually a poem just comes out, somone inside me does it, Muse? whatever, it scares me, But once in awhile I get a thought and I go with it.This was one, and I rewrote this so much. Thanks so much for the reply..I needed to know that it was ok. I know you guys are honest on here.
(((hugs))) floria

strbbux
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since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

4 posted 2002-01-03 08:30 AM


Lone wolf,, same message I wrote balladeer above and than you so much for you positive input, It helps me very much...((hugs)) floria
strbbux
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since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

5 posted 2002-01-03 08:51 AM


I just wasn't satisfied so I made more changes...floria
Dance Of The Flames

The glow of the flames leap in the hearth,
As dancers in red tights and gold gowns,
Sway and whirl with elegant grace,
And move enticingly to the crackling sounds.

They twist and twirl over flaming logs
Their arms reach out to take hold.
Partners then, they chose for themselves,
And a breath taking dance now unfolds.

The tango, a passionate dance,
With rhythm the dancers entwine.
Their wonderful movements excite me,
As the music and beat they define.

Next begins the sweet song of ballet,
As the flicker of flames hypnotize .
On dainty toes they pirouette,
Their fingers reach to the skies.

Exhausted their energy dwindles,
And the dance floor of logs turns to ash.
Costumes turn blue, as the heat fades away,
Then finally the dance floor will crash.

What's left behind, just smoldering logs,
As the stunning dancers retire
Disappear in the night, gone, their light,
The flames die down and expire

Floria


Victoria
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since 2000-08-12
Posts 5869

6 posted 2002-01-03 09:59 AM


I enjoyed reading both of them..lovely images indeed

                      ~Vic

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides."
~ David Viscott


                                            


Seymour Tabin
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since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
7 posted 2002-01-03 10:07 AM


Strbbux,
Have to agree with Balladeer. Excellent write.

Professor Gloom
Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082
of Depression
8 posted 2002-01-03 12:55 PM


In the first of these two versions,
I prefer the first stanza’s line

As they move to the crackling sounds.

Rather than
And move enticingly to the crackling sounds.

Or compromise the two with

Moving enticingly to the crackling sounds.

In the second stanza
Perhaps
And a breath taking dance now unfolds.

Could be
Breath taking as the dance now unfolds


But these are nit picking things,
The poem is good as it stands,
Or stood.
The differences are fluid as long as you don’t have
Strict meter to follow, which might interrupt the overall flow,
Detracting from the differences of the dance styles

Just Friendly Comments
Gloom

Startime
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since 2000-10-03
Posts 5918
Canada
9 posted 2002-01-03 01:05 PM


*sigh* I lost myself within the magic of the flames as I watched the dance... Absolutely stunning. **big hugs**

Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams.

strbbux
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since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

10 posted 2002-01-03 03:05 PM


Thank you victoria, I really appreciate the reply. floria
strbbux
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since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

11 posted 2002-01-03 03:05 PM


Seymor thank you so much...floria
strbbux
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since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

12 posted 2002-01-03 03:06 PM


Startime, thank you, big ((hugs)) to you too. floria
strbbux
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since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

13 posted 2002-01-03 03:08 PM


Professor gloom. This was exactly what I was looking for. I felt that a few words could be better and I think I was trying too too hard and it wouldn't come to me. these suggestions are wonderful, and I do thank you so very much for your reply. floria
his poet II
Junior Member
since 2001-12-20
Posts 18

14 posted 2002-01-03 03:43 PM


Floria, I love your poem's beautiful flow and magical words. I do like the revision suggested by Professor Gloom though. It's too nice to revise anything else. Cheryl
Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
15 posted 2002-01-03 04:04 PM


Either way I love this piece.  I love to watch the flames dancing atop the logs.  
Well done Floria!  
~Hugs, Nancy~

~* A dream is a wish your heart makes... *~

strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

16 posted 2002-01-03 04:04 PM


Thank you His poet. I agree and I have rewritten it with his suggestions.I dont want to take up too much room on here reposting it. but it looks good and I am happy. thanks floria
Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
17 posted 2002-01-03 04:17 PM


Floria
The dance of the flames can be so mesmerizing
and youi have caprured entrazing gaze in your verses
WEll Done!
Take Care
Liz

Hypnosis
Member
since 2001-12-02
Posts 325
CO
18 posted 2002-01-03 05:06 PM


Great write Floria!  I loved the vivid imagery in the poem, this looks great to me.  

     Randy Meador

a life lived unexplored is a life not worth living.

Interloper
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Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369
Deep in the heart
19 posted 2002-01-03 05:57 PM


I loved the reference to Tango and kinda felt cool toward the ballet but that is due to my preferences.  All in all I thought this was a fine work ... one of which you should be proud and one I thoroughly enjoyed reading.


Fool, said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write.

[This message has been edited by Interloper (01-03-2002 05:57 PM).]

strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

20 posted 2002-01-03 06:12 PM


Enchantress thank you so so much. floria
strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

21 posted 2002-01-03 06:13 PM


Thank you liz I am so appreciative of your reply. floria
strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

22 posted 2002-01-03 06:14 PM


Thank you very much randy. floria
strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

23 posted 2002-01-03 06:15 PM


Thank you inerloper for  replying i appreciate it. floria
N orth Carolina Girl
Senior Member
since 2001-12-04
Posts 962
NC,USA
24 posted 2002-01-07 06:39 AM


Floria, I thought this poem was wonderful.I was reading it and I could just picture the dancing flames.

Juanita

"always have a smile on your face it makes people wonder what you`re up to:

SmartChick
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown
25 posted 2002-01-07 06:55 AM


This is very good. I enjoyed reading it.
strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

26 posted 2002-01-07 08:52 AM


N carolina girl, thank you so much. I appreciate your input. floria
strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

27 posted 2002-01-07 08:56 AM


Smart chick, thanks, I appreciate your reply. floria
Madame Chipmunk
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since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296
Michigan
28 posted 2002-01-07 08:59 PM


I like both versions, Floria...but this one is much better.
I love your vivid imagery and your metaphors of flames as various kinds of dancers.
This is a very musical poem, It could almost be lyrics.
But I think I actually like it better as a poem.

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

Magnus
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South Carolina, USA
29 posted 2002-01-07 09:09 PM


Floria,  you may have written it and revised it...That is OK...I think this is a beautiful
poem...and it is so visual and peaceful.

strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

30 posted 2002-01-07 09:14 PM


Thank you Madame chipmunk, sounded lyrical to me too, but I don't write music. LOL thanks for reading and commenting. floria
strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

31 posted 2002-01-07 09:15 PM


Magnus, yes, I asked for critique, which I always want, and I sure got it, then I reworked it with the help I received on this board. thanks for responding, floria
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