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Open Poetry #17
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My Soldier Boy (edited and revised somewhat)
| Open Poetry #17 |
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My Soldier Boy (edited and revised somewhat) |
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shoffswife Junior Member
since 2001-12-23
Posts 38KY, US |
My husband is a soldier This country he defends Even though he spends his nights at home, His job is one that never ends. Always ready for the phone to ring Telling him what he knows He'll grab his bags and gear And off to war, he'll go. Do not think he is unhappy No other life would he live Because he is proud to be a soldier And for you his life he would give. So when you see the flag Flying so high in the wind Please think of my husband And the freedom that he defends. *please give me suggestions for this poem. thanks [This message has been edited by shoffswife (12-24-2001 01:51 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Shelly Bogard - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
I think your words are wonderful as is. A fine tribute to both your husband and the many other men and women who serve this country in many different capacities. As a veteran I thank you for them. |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
I am so proud of our country and our men. I love your poem. strbbux |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
A beautiful tribute to your husband and the other soldiers who defend our country, Shelley.  I don't want to re-write your poem because I think its very good...but if you would like a few suggestions...here they are. in your first verse.... "Even though he comes home at night His job is one that never ends." this might read a bit smoother if it read as although his nights are spent at home his burden never ends In your second verse..... "He is ready and waiting for the call That tells him what he already knows He'll pack up his bags And off to war, he'll go." might be a little smoother as.... always at the ready the call will come, he knows he'll bravely pack his duffle and off to war he'll go" Now for some more surgery...I hope this doesn't upset you... "Do not think he is unhappy No other life would he live Because he is a soldier And for you his life he would give" how about... don't think that he's unhappy he loves the life he lives he's proud to be a soldier for you, his life he'd give For the last verse, some recommendations are... instead of "So when you see the flag Flying so high in the wind Please think of my husband Because freedom he will defend" how about... so when you see the flag unfurling in the wind remember please, my husband and the freedom he defends I hope I didn't hurt your feelings, Shelley. I think this is an excellent poem and you had asked for some help. I am sorry about all of the surgery on it...its just that once I get going, I have a hard time stopping. Anyway, I hope at least that I have been of some help....and please keep posting here. I think you have lots of talant.  copyright2001 Lyra Nesius |
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shoffswife Junior Member
since 2001-12-23
Posts 38KY, US |
no, your suggestions didn't hurt my feelings at all. i wrote the poem while i was sitting here waiting for one of the pages to load. i spent maybe a total of ten minutes on it (couldn't stop writing even after the page did load). lol Thank you so much for your suggestions and I will use some of them. Not all, cuz I don't want to steal all of your ideas.  |
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