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Open Poetry #17
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LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion

0 posted 2001-12-11 09:45 AM


I regret to inform you, effective immediately,
I'll not be seen in the South this Christmas Eve.
Since the birth rate in the South goes unabated
My contract to deliver was renegotiated.

Since I'll now serve only the children in the North
I feel my time will be better spent henceforth.
As part of my new and better contract,
I get longer breaks for enjoying free snacks.

Your children will still be served with good cheer
By my third cousin, Bubba Claus (Sir Balladeer).
His side of the family is from the South Pole.
Delivering toys to children is also his goal.

But... there are a few differences between us.

The Grinch won't be stealing from Bubba's 4X4 sleigh,
He has a gun rack in the back and bumper stickers that say,
"With this Bubba Claus you shouldn't be messin'
"Cuz these toys are insured by Smith and Wesson."

Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus wants RC,
Pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace are sweet.
And Bubba ‘Deer doesn't smoke a pipe, understand?
He likes chewing snuff; please provide a spit can.

Bubba's sleigh is pulled by coon dogs with flop ears,
I once made the mistake of loaning him reindeer.
I'm training replacements for my own toy sleigh
Because Blitzen is mounted over Bubba's fireplace.

You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen"
When Bubba Claus comes to your house, be sure to listen.
"On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte.
On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

The traditional "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you are likely to hear "Merry Christmas to y'all!"
And, as required by the Southern highway safety laws,
Yosemite Sam mud flaps on the sleigh say "Back Off."

The sleigh has six running lights for all kinds of weather
A Ford logo with lights that race through the letters,
And a caricature of me which I find quite despairing,
Peeing with a grin on our cousin, Tooth Fairy.

The Christmas movie classic "It's a Wonderful Life"
Will not be shown in the South's viewing area that night.
Instead, "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and then, more,
"Smokey and the Bandit", Parts 1 through 4.

Bubba Claus hasn't a belt on his red suit made from jeans,
Turn your wife and kids away when he bends under the tree.
And his favorite elf, Lucie, will be shotgun rider,
As she swills down gallons of their moonshine cider.

No songs like "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
AM stations play others way down in the South.
"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," and a similar song,
"Grandma Got Run'd Over By an Antlered Coon Dog"

Merry Christmas y'all, and to all good cheer,
You'll be in good hands with old Balladeer.
Just look for him soon in your stretch of woods,
Balladeer Bubba Claus will treat'cha good.


Ohhh, Bubba Claus ‘De-e-e-e-e-e-r, I'm waiting for my presents!  heh



© Copyright 2001 Michael Waterman - All Rights Reserved
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676
with you
1 posted 2001-12-11 09:57 AM


sounds like my kind of Santa ROFL!! seein's how I'm a redneck girl at heart  
Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

2 posted 2001-12-11 10:24 AM


Oh, stop me I can't stop laughing this is hilarious!

Kathleen (Kay)
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

Lorelei54
Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 458

3 posted 2001-12-11 10:43 AM


I love your stories Mike...where do you ever get such ideas? LOL
LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion
4 posted 2001-12-11 10:46 AM


Sweet Lorelei - I get all my ideas from you, Honey

Did ya read that, 'Deer?  It's not me you need to get; it's Lorelei!

EagleScorpion
Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever
5 posted 2001-12-11 10:56 AM


ha! santa clause is a fat lazy *******. Oh well.. no wonder he's so fat..
this is so funny dude.. haha

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296
Michigan
6 posted 2001-12-11 12:25 PM


Can't stop laughing!
this was so well done!
       

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

RosePetal
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Member Elite
since 2001-08-26
Posts 2985
South Florida
7 posted 2001-12-11 01:37 PM


I'm cracking up over here! This is too funny, good job! Bubba Claus LOL! Hmm..wonder which of you two will be bringing me xmas presents? hehehe



RP

N orth Carolina Girl
Senior Member
since 2001-12-04
Posts 962
NC,USA
8 posted 2001-12-11 03:13 PM


You have just made a friend for life by mentioning Elliott in your poem.I am a diehard Bill Elliott fan.When he finally won again this year I brought out the kleenex.I also loved your poem and the smiles it gave me.

Juanita:wave:

"always have a smile on your face it makes people wonder what you`re up to:

inot2B
Member Elite
since 2000-09-18
Posts 2205
Arkansas
9 posted 2001-12-11 03:19 PM


Dear Bubba Claus,
All I want for Christmas is that your turd cousin LngJhnAg, the imposter "Santa Claus" get just what he deserves down his chimney.

Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
10 posted 2001-12-11 03:28 PM


ROFL ... oh, this was great! You had me cracking up out loud on this end LngJhn! Talk about a vivid picture being painted ... just loved it, well done!  Mind if I e-card a copy to a few good friends of mine from West Virginia?  Merry Christmas ya'll!  



Best wishes,
/Kit

Corinne
Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167
state of confusion
11 posted 2001-12-11 03:33 PM


Awww, poor 'Deer - what did he ever do to deserve such treatment! Oh yeah, now I remember!

Hope Bubba And LngJhn both have a great Christmas!

Corinne

Interloper
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Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369
Deep in the heart
12 posted 2001-12-11 03:34 PM


Methinks reprisals are definitely in order
Lady In White
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799
USA
13 posted 2001-12-11 05:41 PM



LongJohn...you're pulling my leg...aren't you?  

Pilgrimage
Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945
Texas, USA
14 posted 2001-12-11 06:06 PM


This is hilarious! Is it okay for me to copy it and show it to my sister? I'm always giving her jokes off the 'net. And this one is off the 'net, off the beam, off your rocker...       

Nan

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
15 posted 2001-12-11 06:50 PM



So our sweetiepie Deer is a honky tonky Bubba Claus you say
well then it's a good thing he's living far far away
Your Santa Claus is competing with the one overhere
Only his name is Sint Nicolaas, not suitable for ol' Deer
But anyway your poem made me giggle all evening through
Just love your teasing play with Balladeer I really do

HUGS, Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Want to use the pics on my website? Just let me know. http://communities.msn.com/Titiasplace

Startime
Member Ascendant
since 2000-10-03
Posts 5918
Canada
16 posted 2001-12-11 07:01 PM


*giggling with delight* the two of your always bring joy and cheer to my heart...all year round. This is so delightful. I love it LngJhnAg. **hugs**

Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams.

rosepetals25
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Elite
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076
PA
17 posted 2001-12-11 07:08 PM


LngJhnAg,
            
             Thanks for the laugh.. this is great!       

Hugs,
Tara

[This message has been edited by rosepetals25 (edited 12-11-2001).]

Sally S.
Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847
Ohio
18 posted 2001-12-11 07:37 PM


I can see all's well on the Passionate frontline's here.  It's nice to see some thing's never change.  You boys never do stop, huh??!!  ~Shakes head and giggles~
Take care, Sally

Tracey
Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808
where insanity meets breeding
19 posted 2001-12-11 11:11 PM


Methinks you’ll be waiting a loooong time for presents after this one LongJohn if Balladeer is your Santa Claus!!!
But, since you’re the Santa Claus here up North, just be sure you bring me some good presents!! If you do, I'll leave out a cold beer and some chips (to heck with all that milk and cookie stuff)

If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please?

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
20 posted 2001-12-11 11:49 PM


You would trash Santa Claus and besmirch Christmas for the sake of a poem? I LIKE that in a man!!!  
OK, sailor, you got me with this one. I will always bow to greatness, even at my expense. Of course, when I get done bowing, you know I'm coming after ya, right? Of course you do!!  

Nice work, Mike  

Lorelei54
Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 458

21 posted 2001-12-12 12:58 PM


I think they ought to declare a truce for the season and try to be nice to each other!!! What ya think? (Mike and Mike meant here) after all , they are two grown men...lol..well..sorta grown...make that two kids trapped in grown mens bodies?

The bantering is so cute...never stop!

Larry C
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286
United States
22 posted 2001-12-12 01:25 AM


Long John,
I could have sworn I saw a trooper chasin' a rig just like that! Great fun. ROTFLMAO!  

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
23 posted 2001-12-12 01:56 AM



Demeaning dialogues dripping with doubt
Dapperly drooling from dollopy spout
Doggerel dabblings of dauntless debate
Demoting to doormat, degrading to grate
Deliciously darling, delightfully great!

LOved it!
Liz

suthern
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Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
24 posted 2001-12-12 01:16 PM


You be sure now to send Bubba Claus on round here
For I've long been waiting to put a squeeze on that Deer!
Forget that to-do of hanging stockings with care -
I'll cold cream my face, and curl up my hair,
Wear my best flannel nightgown, my pink fuzzie shoes -
"Christmas Was Canceled!!" will be frontpage news!
I'll treat Bubba right, smiles will wreathe his face
As he takes his retirement from the delivery rat race.
So don't get too comfy, you whiskered ole Yankee...
You do your own job!! (We'll do hanky-panky *G*)

ROFLMAO... ya done good, sailor... really REALLY good!!! *G*

LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion
25 posted 2001-12-12 01:45 PM


Belle - ROFL@your whole poem!  You are so creative.

And, thank you every one for the wonderful, encouraging responses.  Christmas came early this year for me in the form of all the wonderful people here who give me the desire to write and react.  The sweetness of the women, and the comradery of the men has been terrific.  Thank you one and al, and have a safe, happy, and peace-filled holiday season and new year.

Lucie
Senior Member
since 1999-06-20
Posts 1077
Houston
26 posted 2001-12-12 03:08 PM


Don't try to butter me up now sailor man.. I will not accept your Merry Christmas holiday cheer... I owe you .. ELF huh? well you wait and see what present I made in the workshop for you ol' man..

(squeezes ya tight anyway.. Merry Christmas sweetie.. to you, and yours)

Remember me with a smile on your face, or please don't remember me at all.


Lorelei54
Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 458

27 posted 2001-12-12 11:34 PM


love Ruth's reply...
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
28 posted 2001-12-12 11:44 PM


I love her reply, too!!   Suthern girl could make every day of the year Christmas for this ole deer!  

Thank you, Ruthie!  

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