You know Serenity and I were just talking about you a while ago? You haven't been forgotten on these forums, you and that impact you always make by tearing poems to pieces!
Yeah, I missed you too, although I never read a single shred of your poetry. You always had a fun sense of humour, remember the cheese thread?
Well yeah, the point is, it's great to have you back at last, posting poetry.
I wonder if this happened to you, or if it was just a narrative poem? If it happened to you, I sympathize and commend you on writing it so well (considering writing of traumatic events is more difficult than of fictional ones). If you created it, then kudos... it's a very good concept, so sorrowful and heartbreaking. And it ends so unfullfillingly, leaves the reader hanging. That's a good effect.
Critiques? Let's see what we can't come up with...
Well, a few things stuck out in my mind. The beginning of the poem was definitely brilliant, an excellent way to begin the poem. The isolation of "I prefer April now" outlines its importance, and gives room for expansion on the idea. That was a good technique.
"I think she wanted to be alone, then." I don't like how "then" sounds, for some reason... maybe because it robs "wanted to be alone" of the chance to be the concluding few words. Also, "then" is just a single word, and it doesn't do enough justice to its importance. "I think she wanted to be alone" is too vague to stand alone, but you could add a "maybe" after "I think"? I don't know exactly how to describe what I mean, or how to remedy it at all, but I hope you get my drift. Just a suggestion of course, I don't feel that this idea is all that important.
You put a "--" where a period should be, in a few places. A period would pace the poem better than a simple "--" would.
Stanza five has too many sentences that begin with "she."
"Diseased." Why did you put that away from the rest of the stanza? It didn't deserve solitude as a word, in my opinion, because you are saying she was NOT so diseased, at least, in the time that you are referring to with the stanza. Isolation of the word brings attention to it, when the word, independently, is a fallacy in the stanza. If you did this to be ironic, that's fine I suppose, but I personally don't think that irony is worth the nonsensical attention given to the single word.
You do a good job with putting some words onto the next lines, stressing their importance somewhat, and the only errors that really stuck out and grabbed me were the ones in how you spaced and formatted the poem. "Weekly," for example, says a lot by standing on its own. It stresses the word.
The last line was a good idea, but it was an unusually worded sentence, don't you agree? "This isn’t how life should be, the
breezes smile, but it is." Now I know what it's saying and I like it, but "the breezes smile" is a statement in and of itself, personifying breezes dead center of a sentence that says "This isn't how life should be, but it is." I don't think it's necessary, and properly I'd imagine it would be "This isn't how life should be, the breezes smiling, but it is."
Or something to that effect.
Well, that's just a little amateur analysis of the poem's structure, and some of my own personal points... no need to take it seriously, by any means whatsoever...
I really, truly enjoyed this poem. It was sorrowful, and myseriously inconclusive. The ending leaves the reader hanging in a state of worry.
Excellent work, Kamla. Welcome home.
"I know it's nice to be known - It caresses your ego - but the society cost is terrible."
[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 12-06-2001).]