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Passions in Poetry

Of Lakes and Loss

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Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


0 posted 12-06-2001 09:35 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Severn

November is a sickly month
Once, it was my favourite.
Urging into warmth, my bare feet
on the cool grass, waiting for summer.

I prefer April now.

There are five photos of her,
scattered. She stares miserably from
the wall, 5 years old in black and white,
holding in tantrum-tears.
She grins from my windowsill – cheekily four.
On the VCR, surrounded by mountain
trees at Dawson Falls, she turns to
look over her shoulder,
glaring in surprise at the camera.
I think she wanted to be alone, then.

I sit with her, in a tiny frame, some years ago – we both smile.
She wasn’t so ill, not so nearly frail and
diseased.

The cherished one of her at 19 rests
on my drawers. She is a bridesmaid and
her skin is porcelain. She is remarkable, a beauty, a belle.
She wears a huge sunflower hat, her hair is
black. People flatter me when they suggest I
look like her; she’s unmatchable.

Last week, she threw herself into a lake.
Perhaps to drown, or to reach
for an attention, a sympathy, that could
set right the wasteland of her life.

Her heart is so weak, and her mind hasn’t
yet recovered from the haemorrhage – of yet another
November. The nurse kindly explained how important
it is not to sympathise – she’ll only
do it again. I picture her, sodden in a lake,
weekly.

I want to whisper how unfair it is, how October should
slide straight into December. I want to carry her back
to her bridesmaid dress, and return the white, soft
skin of her cheeks. This isn’t how life should be, the
breezes smile, but it is.

3.12.01

© Copyright 2001 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


1 posted 12-06-2001 09:51 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


Oh Severn...you write life...and you do it so very, very well...

it's been a long time, little one, since I've seen something from you.  I didn't realize how thirsty I was...

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


2 posted 12-06-2001 09:57 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Thanks Mama K.

As always you support me...hold me up somehow..

I'm so glad you're here you know..

K
SmartChick
Member Rara Avis
since 09-23-2001
Posts 7301
On A Journey To The Unknown


3 posted 12-06-2001 10:11 AM       View Profile for SmartChick   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit SmartChick's Home Page   View IP for SmartChick

This is so sad.
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


4 posted 12-06-2001 10:12 AM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

sometimes, I sit to think: there are no rules to how life should be or not, it simply IS, and we make of it what we must...

sometimes I sit and think, why the heck am I thinking?

sometimes, I jeer myself
sometimes, I praise myself

it is never: all or never   what a paradox...

oh! i am rambling on without making any sense ...

this was a wonderful poem...
the tenses are tho' sometimes confusing, but, maybe it is me... or maybe you wanted them to be so...

Regards to you, my friend, Kamla
Sudhir
Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 04-30-2000
Posts 16920
Ontario, Canada


5 posted 12-06-2001 10:42 AM       View Profile for Kit McCallum   Email Kit McCallum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kit McCallum

Oh Kamla ... this is so powerfully emotive. You drew me into this so deeply, that I think I could hear my own heart break. Tender, flowing, questioning, and so very well written.

Best wishes and big hugs  
/Kit
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


6 posted 12-06-2001 11:22 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

There are five photos of her,
scattered. She stares miserably from
the wall, 5 years old in black and white,
holding in tantrum-tears.
She grins from my windowsill – cheekily four.
On the VCR, surrounded by mountain
trees at Dawson Falls, she turns to
look over her shoulder,
glaring in surprise at the camera.
I think she wanted to be alone, then.

I sit with her, in a tiny frame, some years ago – we both smile.
She wasn’t so ill, not so nearly frail and
diseased.

The cherished one of her at 19 rests
on my drawers. She is a bridesmaid and
her skin is porcelain. She is remarkable, a beauty, a belle.
She wears a huge sunflower hat, her hair is
black. People flatter me when they suggest I
look like her; she’s unmatchable.
=========================================


The imagery that you have wrapped around the emotions are so well defined, that I see the photos, you transported me to the room.
I'm so impressed by the whole impact of the poem that all I can do is shake my head and read again.
I know you like critique (and they are hard to get in here anymore)
but sometimes...some poems are so special... or perhaps touch the reader in places so deep that critique wont show the respect intended.
To me this is one of those poems
Outstanding write Kamla.
take care,
jm

Sprayed across my heart and hers
danced butterflies in the wild.
This angel, this woman,
who loves me with the innocence of a child.

DeVante'

[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (edited 12-06-2001).]

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


7 posted 12-06-2001 02:41 PM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

Sweet Butterfly
Your poem is so sad and touching it moved me to tears Hon, you've reached in and squeezed my heart and now I ache.... I ache to hold you love, to comfort you.

It's great to read you again

I miss you!

Mmy  


LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 07-23-99
Posts 3654
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion


8 posted 12-06-2001 02:45 PM       View Profile for LngJhnAg   Email LngJhnAg   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LngJhnAg

Kamla - This is written so well, and so poignantly sad.  You are well, I hope, and your life is strong enogh to carry the waif, I pray.  Well done, Kamla.
sodpossom
Senior Member
since 06-15-2001
Posts 745
N.C


9 posted 12-06-2001 03:01 PM       View Profile for sodpossom   Email sodpossom   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for sodpossom

Very sad and heartfelt!Well done!
Carol Luna
Member
since 12-06-2001
Posts 55


10 posted 12-06-2001 03:37 PM       View Profile for Carol Luna   Email Carol Luna   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Carol Luna

This is a fine writing.  I can tell you know what you are doing and you did it well!

Carol Luna
~give me peace, no matter what the cost~

Allan Riverwood
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-04-2001
Posts 4212
Winnipeg


11 posted 12-06-2001 04:24 PM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood

Kamla!  Babe!  
You know Serenity and I were just talking about you a while ago?  You haven't been forgotten on these forums, you and that impact you always make by tearing poems to pieces!  

Yeah, I missed you too, although I never read a single shred of your poetry.  You always had a fun sense of humour, remember the cheese thread?
Well yeah, the point is, it's great to have you back at last, posting poetry.

I wonder if this happened to you, or if it was just a narrative poem?  If it happened to you, I sympathize and commend you on writing it so well (considering writing of traumatic events is more difficult than of fictional ones).  If you created it, then kudos... it's a very good concept, so sorrowful and heartbreaking.  And it ends so unfullfillingly, leaves the reader hanging.  That's a good effect.

Critiques?  Let's see what we can't come up with...

Well, a few things stuck out in my mind.  The beginning of the poem was definitely brilliant, an excellent way to begin the poem.  The isolation of "I prefer April now" outlines its importance, and gives room for expansion on the idea.  That was a good technique.  

"I think she wanted to be alone, then."  I don't like how "then" sounds, for some reason... maybe because it robs "wanted to be alone" of the chance to be the concluding few words.  Also, "then" is just a single word, and it doesn't do enough justice to its importance.  "I think she wanted to be alone" is too vague to stand alone, but you could add a "maybe" after "I think"?  I don't know exactly how to describe what I mean, or how to remedy it at all, but I hope you get my drift.  Just a suggestion of course, I don't feel that this idea is all that important.

You put a "--" where a period should be, in a few places.  A period would pace the poem better than a simple "--" would.

Stanza five has too many sentences that begin with "she."

"Diseased."  Why did you put that away from the rest of the stanza?  It didn't deserve solitude as a word, in my opinion, because you are saying she was NOT so diseased, at least, in the time that you are referring to with the stanza.  Isolation of the word brings attention to it, when the word, independently, is a fallacy in the stanza.  If you did this to be ironic, that's fine I suppose, but I personally don't think that irony is worth the nonsensical attention given to the single word.

You do a good job with putting some words onto the next lines, stressing their importance somewhat, and the only errors that really stuck out and grabbed me were the ones in how you spaced and formatted the poem.  "Weekly," for example, says a lot by standing on its own.  It stresses the word.

The last line was a good idea, but it was an unusually worded sentence, don't you agree?  "This isn’t how life should be, the
breezes smile, but it is."  Now I know what it's saying and I like it, but "the breezes smile" is a statement in and of itself, personifying breezes dead center of a sentence that says "This isn't how life should be, but it is."  I don't think it's necessary, and properly I'd imagine it would be "This isn't how life should be, the breezes smiling, but it is."

Or something to that effect.

Well, that's just a little amateur analysis of the poem's structure, and some of my own personal points... no need to take it seriously, by any means whatsoever...    

I really, truly enjoyed this poem.  It was sorrowful, and myseriously inconclusive.  The ending leaves the reader hanging in a state of worry.

Excellent work, Kamla.  Welcome home.  
~Allan

"I know it's nice to be known - It caresses your ego - but the society cost is terrible."
~Vangelis

[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 12-06-2001).]

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 12-05-2001
Posts 8552
Michigan


12 posted 12-06-2001 04:33 PM       View Profile for Madame Chipmunk   Email Madame Chipmunk   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Madame Chipmunk's Home Page   View IP for Madame Chipmunk

Very sad and very beautifully written, Kamla....is this about a friend, a sister, a child?   I have tears running down my face after reading it.....
It is so very sad in it's beauty

Lyra

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


13 posted 12-06-2001 04:48 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Kamla,
An excellent and wonderful write. I've missed your posting. *L*
Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020
Gaia


14 posted 12-06-2001 06:27 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

Severn, I will come back to comment on the poem a bit later, but wanted to send my condolences to you and all New Zealanders for the tragic loss of your beloved sailor, Sir Peter Blake. He was an inspiration to many, not just to those who love to sail, but for anyone wanting to follow a dream.

[This message has been edited by Midnitesun (edited 12-06-2001).]

Shou-Lao
Member
since 10-12-2001
Posts 101


15 posted 12-06-2001 06:42 PM       View Profile for Shou-Lao   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Shou-Lao



A very well written piece, you’ve managed to do what I normally only dream about – you captured a moment so completely and conveyed it picture perfect.

I am impressed and slightly jealous  
Corinne
Member Ascendant
since 10-28-1999
Posts 5247
state of confusion


16 posted 12-06-2001 07:21 PM       View Profile for Corinne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Corinne

This is so, so poignant, straight from your heart to ours.

Wishing you peace.

Cor
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


17 posted 12-06-2001 08:38 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

The ache in your heart is felt in every line of this poem, K. Hold on. Breathe. It will get better. We're here for you any time you need us.
Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 08-14-2001
Posts 37801
Somewhere in time~


18 posted 12-06-2001 08:46 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

Kamla, I don't believe a piece has ever moved me as much as this one since coming to Passions in August.  Your imagery and manner of speech is incredible.  I'm going back for another read, and this one is definately a keeper.
~hugs, Nancy~

"A dream is a wish your heart makes..."

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


19 posted 12-06-2001 09:42 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Hi everyone...where to begin, how to say thanks for all the sincere wonderful replies to my poem. A giant: THANK YOU will be a start.

For those who don't know this is a true story about my mother. She's very ill physically and mentally, and has been for years.

Sometimes it all gets a bit much for her - and for me.

Anyway...some personal things:

Smart Chick - first time I've 'met' you. Hi   Yes, it is sad. Writing helps to deal with it - and the support here as well.

Suddy - lol. Screwed up tenses. lol. Actually, nothing was intentional with this poem - it all just came out you know. In time I will revise it, I guess. As always - love hearing from you my friend.

Kit - thank you, sweety. You're so encouraging...hugs gratefully accepted.

Jm - well that means a lot you know. I actually wanted to write ~no crits please~ at the bottom but thought that would just contradict all that I am about HAHA...(sorry Allan hehe). Thanks dear - you've touched me.

Mmy - ~sniff~ ~weep~ I miss you too. And I just want to curl up next to you and cry. Ok? So get on a plane NOW lol. Thanks dear friend.

Long John - thank you and nice to hear from you   I always, like most of us, find the strength to carry on.

Possum - thank you  

Carol - hey, welcome to passions...know what I'm doing? That's debatable lol   Thank you for taking the time to reply...

Allan - hahaha...you made me smile and I think I really needed that. My rep as the cruel critiquer huh? Nice to see it's still standing ROTF. Like I said to Suddy - will revise it sometime and I really do appreciate the suggestions...was a bit stuck on the breezes smiling but I wanted to convey the heartlessness in a month I once found comforting. A personification of those breezes made them seem...unconcerned...well, I thought so lol. Thanks you...

Madame Chipmunk - another person I don't know..I'm so out of touch these days...a belated welcome to passions...I'm glad you enjoyed...

Sy - and I miss you old friend...thanks for reading...hugs

Midnite - oh yes, I only found out about an hour ago - it's awful isn't it??? I still can't believe it. I'm really touched by your concern, and appreciate your very kind words...NZ will be in mourning.

Shou - lol...been there...felt that. I'm impressed you think that you know. I certainly don't see my writing that way - we all keep learning and growing. Read my early stuff - cringe... Thank you for your words...

Cor - thanks..peace would be nice right about now...hugs to you

Sharon - I know you're there, and that helps with the breathing process you know? Love you, I do.

Enchantress - wow. What can I say.
I'm honoured, I really am. Thank you.

hugs to all

K
Sven
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 11-23-1999
Posts 15611
Lansing, MI USA


20 posted 12-06-2001 10:06 PM       View Profile for Sven   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sven

hey K. . . you don't really know how much you've been missed. . . I know that I can always count on you for writing from the soul, true in form, and deep in thought. . .

this is no exception. . . you communicate the feelings of loss and love here very well. . . stuck in one place. . . but, wanting to move. . . not knowing where. . . wondering if time could move back. . . if the lake could be any shallower. . .

*sigh*. . . too many emotions here. . . and yet, you show them all. . .



---------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Hypnosis
Member
since 12-02-2001
Posts 334
CO


21 posted 12-06-2001 10:13 PM       View Profile for Hypnosis   Email Hypnosis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Hypnosis

Such a sad poem Severn.  Life is precious, and we should all recognize the value of it.  Good work, this is the first write ive seen from you, but i look to see more of your posts!

    Randy Meador

a life lived unexplored is a life not worth living.

Duncan
Member Ascendant
since 08-07-2001
Posts 5716


22 posted 12-06-2001 10:17 PM       View Profile for Duncan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Duncan

An incredibly effective piece.  All the more amazing given it's reality.  
JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 11-16-1999
Posts 31622
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA


23 posted 12-06-2001 10:22 PM       View Profile for JamesMichael   Email JamesMichael   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JamesMichael

Excellent writing...James
Jamie
Member Elite
since 06-26-2000
Posts 3219
Blue Heaven


24 posted 12-06-2001 10:55 PM       View Profile for Jamie   Email Jamie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Jamie's Home Page   View IP for Jamie

this isn't how life should be
echoes of many voices
mine among them
and I added
this isnt how life should end
as I watched my father's
last breath enter his diseased body
and years after
watching my mother's breathing
being done for her
I said them again
and that time
it didnt end
I saw her today
and when I see her tomorrow
I will think of you
and your mother

But for now
I will just pray
for a fair breeze
across the land
of the long white cloud
.
.
.

hk>lk
.
.
.

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

 
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