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Open Poetry #16
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

0 posted 2001-10-31 09:15 PM



(this bit of fluff wrote itself. I just held onto the pen   )

One eve, in late-night solitude,
I found myself in silly mood
Which conjurs periodically
A devil's imp inside of me
And thus decided in that state,
Although the hour was growing late,
That it would do my psyche good
To write as funny as I could.

I sat in abject contemplation
Smiling at my new creation.
Satisfied it was my best
I drifted off to peaceful rest
Then, in the morning, as we ate
I mentioned to my sleepy mate,
"I'm leaving you my latest rhyme.
Peruse it when you have the time."

What happened next, from all reports
Of affidavits in the courts
Plus wild conjecture from the views
Of anchors on the Evening News
Seems so absurd one might surmise
That it was but a pack of lies
But it is sworn this did occur
From what my poem did to her.

My wife, not one to be a prude,
Enjoyed her housework in the nude
And, being on the 14th floor,
Few visitors came to the door
Plus Maniac, my doberman,
Was not afraid of any man
Or beast attempting entry there
So she was safe sans underwear.

So there she was, a little bored,
Naked at the ironing board...
She took my poem and peeked within
And felt her mouth turn into grin.
She read the next....the grin grew more
Then read the next and gave a roar!
The next! She laughed so hard inside
The tears were streaming as she cried!

She read the next and giggled more
And fell down laughing on the floor.
She rolled around hysterically
And lost all sense of sanity!
She bit her lip and pulled her hair
As tremors shook her everywhere
And, for a solid hour or more,
She rolled and gurgled on the floor!!

While she was rolling in a daze
Hot iron had set the board ablaze
And quickly spread the flames throughout
The whole house as she thrashed about!
Hot water cooked my fish, poor soul,
As he was swimming in his bowl
And Maniac began to howl
In protest to events so foul!

My neighbor Bill had smelled the smoke
And, with a mighty lunge, he broke
The door down as he rushed inside,
Then ran to kneel at my wife's side
But Mania, my faithful mutt
Jumped up and bit him in the butt!
Trying to protect her life
He knocked poor Bill right on my wife!!!

Police then came and what they saw
Assured them SOMEONE broke the law..
Bill on my naked, screaming wife,
My huge dog holding on for life,
My fish, a floating fricassee,
With smoke so thick one couldn't see.
Reporters then came in like flies
With headlines dancing in their eyes!

They booked poor Bill into the jail
Until his wife produced the bail
And Maniac, my faithful hound
Was transferred to the city pound.
My wife went under lock and key
Still giggling hysterically
And, all in all, it was a mess
Producing multitudes of stress.

All's well now. Bill has been released
And studies hard to be a priest.
He won his lawsuit from the STAR
Who branded him a Lochinvar
And added greatly to his strife
With pictures of him on my wife
As headlines blared across front page,
MAN GOES BERZERK IN LUSTFUL RAGE!

Old Maniac is home, as well.
He's been released from doggie hell.
He's still the same protective hound
And snarls whenever Bill's around.
Wife's home from sanitarium
But still takes daily lithium
And giggles uncontrollably
When someone mentions poetry.

I contemplate now - is it worth
The effort to write words of mirth
Which can produce such consequences
Stripping readers of their senses?
If you think so, go ahead...
Take out those pens and knock 'em dead
But, as for me, I never plan
To write as funny as I can!!!!  

© Copyright 2001 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved
Larry C
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286
United States
1 posted 2001-10-31 09:32 PM


Balladeer,
ROTFLMAO Well this is probably the only time you failed at poetry. Cause it was drop dead hysterical.  

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

2 posted 2001-10-31 09:33 PM


ROFLMAO


YOU ARE THE MAN

YOU GET A CASE OF SPAM FOR THIS ONE!!
you are too cool for school...
and YOU DONT ever write "fluff"
But what the heck did you eat to dream this one up...
we cant even blame THIS on SPAM or Vienna Sausages  
very very cool OH GREAT ONE!!!
we bow before the master  

JulieAnn
Senior Member
since 2000-06-12
Posts 754
Earth 3rd Rock from the sun!!
3 posted 2001-10-31 09:37 PM


This is hilarious.....Noone could hold a candle to your words of wit.....Nice Job!!!!

[This message has been edited by JulieAnn (edited 10-31-2001).]

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
4 posted 2001-10-31 09:48 PM


Balladeer!!  This is just too funny!!  Just one question...do we get to see the poem that set your spouse into a naked laughing fit??  I'd love to read it...even though I am not on the 14th floor and could be easily seen by neighbours.  
Sounds like it would be worth the risk!  
You are the wizard of comedy, sir!  
~hugs, Nancy~

  ~Time has cast a spell on you,
So that you won't ever forget me.~

SmartChick
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown
5 posted 2001-10-31 09:56 PM


This is so funny. Really enjoyed reading this.
Tracey
Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808
where insanity meets breeding
6 posted 2001-10-31 10:07 PM


I bow down to the master of verse. You sir have outdone yourself this time. Brilliant, brilliant. roflma. Too, too funny.

If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please?

Nightshade
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since 2001-08-31
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just out of reach
7 posted 2001-10-31 10:16 PM


This is so funny Balladeer. Way to go !! Good way for me to end the day, Thankyou, Chris

Life is not measured by breaths you take, but by moments that take your breath away.

Honeybee
Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372
Ontario, CANADA
8 posted 2001-10-31 10:48 PM



  I adore your wit m'deer dear!  
This one's a keeper~
just because you're you!

Take care,
Melissa~

"Poetry is not an opinion expressed...
it is a song that rises from a bleeding
wound...or a smiling mouth"

~Kahlil Gibran~

doreen peri
Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
9 posted 2001-10-31 10:53 PM




fabulous.........

i love it.....

Lucie
Senior Member
since 1999-06-20
Posts 1077
Houston
10 posted 2001-10-31 11:39 PM


You my friend are and always will be the Master of verse.. I could only hope to pen a masterpiece like this.. I bow down to you Balladeer. You Sir.... have all my respect.

With perseverance even the snail reached the Ark.


Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
11 posted 2001-10-31 11:42 PM


larry C...glad I failed and I'm happy you enjoyed. Thank you!  

Janet Marie...I'll give ya a hint...NEVER dip vienna sausages in marshmellow creme!   Thank you for your wonderful words, Missouri belle!  

Julie Ann..thank you! If they do, it'll be because the electricity went out!  

enchantress...if you promise to read it that way, I'll provide it...promise!!!

SmartChick..I'm very happy you enjoyed!  

tracey..you can stand tall with me any day! Thank you, m'lady  

Nightshade..thank you for allowing me to end it...and may tomorrow be wonderful for you  

Melissa...you're so sweet! Some Greeks have all the luck!       

doreen...I am glad you do!


Lucie...and you, girl, have all my friendship. You're special....and I'm SO happy to see you back!  

[This message has been edited by Balladeer (edited 10-31-2001).]

rosepetals25
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since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076
PA
12 posted 2001-11-01 12:11 PM


Balladeer,

     You are just to great! I LOVEEEEEEEE your poetry! I wish I had a knack for comedy like you   Just wonderful.   BRAVO!!!!!!!

Hugs
Tara


Don't marry for money...  You can borrow it cheaper!

[This message has been edited by rosepetals25 (edited 11-01-2001).]

SmittenKitten
Senior Member
since 2001-06-20
Posts 1131
where the sky and horizon meet
13 posted 2001-11-01 12:43 PM



Balladeer~ Hehehehe   Do *not* get me started on a laughing fit!  I could easily end up in your wife's situation!  And if this is you holding back from writing as funny as you can, then definitely prepare me first if you ever do decide to go all the way!    

Hilarious write Balladeer    You definitely are the master....the Goofy Master is more like it!

Hugs,
~Krista


Your beautiful words & creativity allow me to connect with the same in myself.  
Thank you for having the courage to share yourself so that I can too

[This message has been edited by SmittenKitten (edited 11-01-2001).]

Marge Tindal
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since 1999-11-06
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Florida's Foreverly Shores
14 posted 2001-11-01 01:23 AM


Balladeer~
I could stay up ALL night ... and never top this one~

You are something else~
Funny how that guys name was Bill~ ... probably coincidence, huh ?
Love ya'
*Hugs*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
   noles1@totcon.com              

Midnitesun
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Posts 28647
Gaia
15 posted 2001-11-01 02:00 AM


ROTFLMAO     

You really did it this time, Sir Ballad-ear.

Now, I really want to see that poem you wrote for your poor wife! Your mind works in mysterious ways.
Can I empty your e-trash can after I'm done emptying Marge's?

Kit McCallum
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since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
16 posted 2001-11-01 06:31 AM


Succumbed to giggles? Hauled away?
I love it when you write this way!
'Tis such a flowing, perfect tale …
A master weave, you do regale!  

Alas, I must re-think my plan,
I'm just a touch afraid … I am!
No longer can I sit behind …
My screen sans clothing reading rhymes!  

Thanks for the giggles and grins Micheal ... this was superb!  

Best wishes,
/Kit

Mon Cherie
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Senior Member
since 2001-10-31
Posts 922
Land of Never-ending Summers
17 posted 2001-11-01 07:28 AM


OH..... hehehe... *gigglez*
I was nearly approaching the state your wife was in, though not as naked as she is. =P This is by far the funniest I've read!!!

GhostWriter_6
Member
since 2001-09-03
Posts 237
??Amityville??
18 posted 2001-11-01 07:34 AM


Now That was funny.... i got to give it to you.. keep on writing

Accordionmaid
Member
since 2001-10-28
Posts 153
MA/USA
19 posted 2001-11-01 07:39 AM


This is so hilarious!  I laughed out loud, sitting here, and my dog's beginning to get nervous...
Decaflame
Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635

20 posted 2001-11-01 08:38 AM



I do believe you've started my November 1 off on the right...poem.

Thanks for this classic.  Make sure you bring it back often!

Interloper
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Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369
Deep in the heart
21 posted 2001-11-01 09:39 AM


What a fanciful story and thoroughly enjoyable or gr9 troubador

Fool, said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write.

Martie
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since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
22 posted 2001-11-01 10:38 AM


Balladeer----YOU ROCK!!
RSWells
Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533

23 posted 2001-11-01 11:45 AM


Alone I audibly guffaw to cries
as Santa like watch belly rise
and neighbors hereabout surmise
that Mr. Misery finally dies.

"Happy people have no history" - French Proverb

suthern
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Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
24 posted 2001-11-01 11:58 AM


Ahhhhhh, Deer One... On another day, I'll savor the perfection with which you've written this delightful comedy of errors... For now, I'll just embrace the giggles it gives so generously and say "thanks, sweets."  *S*
jellybeans
Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298

25 posted 2001-11-01 12:39 PM


I have never read another poet who holds the reader so spell bound as yourself...
seems every time I read you, you make me smile .....this was hilarious...
and thank you kind sir, for the kiss on the cheek *soft smile*

Balladeer
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Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
26 posted 2001-11-01 07:36 PM


rosepetals...and I LOVEEEEEyour response! Thank you!!

kitten...I would LOVE to see you in a laughing fit! I accept Goofy Master with pride!  

Marge...can I stay up all night with ya?   Yes, definitely coincidence  

midnitesun....sure you can...as soon as I get a wife! My trash is yours...

Kit....you are an evil woman! How can you put that picture in my mind!! Now I will always wonder...

mon cherie..you paint a pretty picture, too! Thank you!!  

ghostwriter_6....ok, if you insist   I thank you....

accordionmaid...ROFL!! I love it!  

Decaflame...I won't leave home without it! May your month be wonderful..

interloper...I thank you, low purr  

Martie...you left out HEAD! Thank you, sweet lady  

RSWells...good! He was a drag, anyway  

suthern...I love to hear you giggle  

jellybeans..you have a beautiful smile....and a soft cheek  

rwood
Member Elite
since 2000-02-29
Posts 3793
Tennessee
27 posted 2001-11-01 08:12 PM


Oh my gosh...I can't believe I almost let this one slip by! This is Hillarious! The Wife, the dog, the fish, Bill!!!! ~Laughing wildly....rolling on floor knocking computer off the desk....what the heck... it feels good!!!! LAUGH ING AT YOU!~ I love it...sorry don't mean to mmmmmmghgghh....make light of your poetic predicament....but this is GREAT! You are so talented in the tickling department deer. Is this poetic justice. LOL!

Sincerely,
Regina

LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion
28 posted 2001-11-02 08:28 AM


'Deer - Thank you for pinning this one on Bill.  I enjoyed the read.
Andrew Scott
Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558
Redlands,CA,USA
29 posted 2001-11-02 01:09 PM


Good thing that Toe doesn't live next door!  Once again you have proven the worth of your name.  I would bow to you and yours, but I don't trust the dog.  Thanks for the fun... Peace!
Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
30 posted 2001-11-02 06:15 PM


Oh Balladeer this is such fun
You are the best under the sun
A grinning smile from ear to ear
Is what you get from me my Deer

Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Feel free to use the pictures on my website. http://communities.msn.com/Titiasplace/

doreen peri
Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
31 posted 2001-11-02 08:11 PM


had to come back for a second read....

this is soooooo good!!!!! you are so fine, 'deer Poet  

i wish you'd post more often  

Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

32 posted 2001-11-03 02:55 PM


This is hysterical, Michael! Thanks for the chuckles!
Duncan
Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455

33 posted 2001-11-03 03:09 PM


This may be the funniest thing I've ever read.  Would you consider selling timeshares to your mind?  Sounds like one great vaction spot!
wayoutwalt
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870
TEXAS (it's all big)
34 posted 2001-11-03 03:15 PM


Here are my two sense

O yuh
O yuh

awesome indeed

[This message has been edited by wayoutwalt (edited 11-03-2001).]

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
35 posted 2001-11-03 03:34 PM


Only a small number of poets can write this good...and you are obviously one of those...James
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