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Open Poetry #16
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Amongst the aroma of cafe bars and florists
| Open Poetry #16 |
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Amongst the aroma of cafe bars and florists |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095
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Amongst the aroma of café bars and florists Somewhere between sandstone walls silence swept lightly over cobbled street the ocean’s breath sprinkled flavour people roamed with lost tongues awkward hands and face’s blank with dreaming smothered by the sea amongst the aroma of café bars and florists I felt love around coffee cups you filled them with constellations and I saw you fading our eyes smelled flowers in windows they wrapped them into admiration petal by petal fingering them marking a reality to somewhere I have and have not yet traveled Dark Angel 25th October 2001 [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 10-25-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Dark Angel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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snowpants Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061KS |
'smothered by the sea amongst the aroma of café bars and florists I felt love around coffee cups you filled them with constellations and I saw you fading' Fantastic write, DA...such intense feeling behind the words you write...I really like this... sp  And did you know with the rain in your pockets, |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Such a beautiful and sweet poem filled with the delicious aromas and golden silence of loveliness. (sigh) Your words are always so dazzling and gorgeous to read! (kiss on cheek) Muah! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet angel, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
my sweet Maree.... this was perfection hon! so beautifully written...you have am amazing gift with words...paint the loveliest pictures. sorry i've not been around lately. i will talk to you soon though. but again, beautiful write!!  love ya, amy "I could kiss you in |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
the international house of smells hehehe yuh they all bring back memories and send us to exotic places! Like Texas!! o yuh nice write! |
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catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
Wonderful thoughts. Sandra |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
DarkAngel~ Oh my ... you word-painted the scene to perfection~ 'our eyes smelled flowers in windows they wrapped them into admiration petal by petal fingering them' Lovely ... just lovely~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Maree--Wonderful..the scene full of color and fregrance...and a feeling of loss that you can almost taste. well done! |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Somewhere between sandstone walls silence swept lightly over cobbled street the ocean’s breath sprinkled flavour people roamed with lost tongues awkward hands and face’s blank with dreaming smothered by the sea amongst the aroma of café bars and florists I felt love around coffee cups you filled them with constellations and I saw you fading ======================================== such achingly beautiful thoughts and imagery DA ... youve written some poetically lovely phrases here to define the images and create a melancholy edge to this ... and the impact of the last lines hit poetically perfect. a bittersweet beauty for sure... very well done Poetess Maree jm This distance has shown how the road remains alone |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hey Luscious.... what a journey here...and yet? the last line? SAYS IT ALL. (Total perfection, that...) You, my friend, are something else. |
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The Lady of Shallot Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818USA |
love this! -befriend yourself and you will never be alone- [This message has been edited by The Lady of Shallot (edited 10-25-2001).] |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
I guess that our thoughts are in some form of a sync at this point of time... this is wonderful writing, my friend. Regards, Maree, Sudhir |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Snowpants: Hi! nice to see you Thank you for your most wonderful reply Mistletoe Angel: Thank you for your "dazzling and gorgeous" reply. May love and light always shine upon you too Amy: Perfection hey? You pay me a huge compliment thank you dear. I look forward to chatting real soon hon. Waltyyy: Ahhhh yes the international house of smells yes they do take us back....but I'm afraid it wasnt Texas, hehe but Boston! Wahooo. I thank you for your lovely reply. Catalinamoon: Dreamt of you the other night, we had what seemed like an interesting conversation Thank you for your wonderful reply Margey: Thank you for your always lovely replies, I appreciate them Martie: so glad you enjoyed it m'friend and I thank you for your lovely reply and yes you can almost taste it. Janet: You always amaze me with your lovely replies and compliments, I thank you so very much. Gorgeous: A journey it was indeed, one I hope to take again, soon... hopefully. Thannk you special one. Lady: Hi, thank you, so glad you love it! Sudhir: so we're in sync? GREAT! thank you for stopping and reading and for your lovely reply |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Somewhere between sandstone walls silence swept lightly over cobbled street >>>Nice evocative opening - the sibilant alliteration borders on too much but i think you get away with it. The singular "street" seems a little contrived, maybe consider "streets" or "the cobbled street". the ocean's breath sprinkled flavour people roamed with lost tongues awkward hands and face's blank with dreaming >>> this is the best stanza. Very convincing imagery and refreshing originality. I think you need to lose the apostrophe in "faces". smothered by the sea amongst the aroma of café bars and florists I felt love around coffee cups you filled them with constellations and I saw you fading >>> you lose me a bit here. Imho the reference to the sea "smothering" so soon after it's breath has "sprinkled" doesn't work so well. "Love around the coffee cups" is perhaps a bit "hollywood" although I liked the understated way in which you slipped in the second person. our eyes smelled flowers in windows they wrapped them into admiration petal by petal fingering them marking a reality to somewhere I have and have not yet traveled >>> we are heading towards maree surrealism here....lol you have a thing at the moment about using one sense, in this case eyes, to perceive something other than that which it would normally perceive, in this case smell. Sometimes it works, when it is handled with subtlety and restraint - in this instance i think that coming at the beginning of the strophe and stated so blatantly it comes over a faintly comical - i have this vision of eyes on stalks protruding to sniff a bouquet of red roses! >>> having said that i liked the closing two lines a lot and i wonder whether you couldn't strengthen the poem considerably by keeping the opening stanzas but building a central section around the idea of "having" but not yet experiencing. >>> As usual M your writing is well worth reading and thinking about - i hope you will forgive the fairly matter of fact critique, but i think that you are aware that your poems have progressed well beyond the point where it is useful for me to simply say "wonderful!!". It was good though ...lolF |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Furlong..... quote: I understand what you are saying here m'dear, but I think I would like to leave it as "street" simply because the ready can take it as either.. I mean I could be talking about a particular street, or many streets. I think I will let the reader decide. Although I am talking about "A" street. I also didnt like the way it sounded with the "the" added. quote: Ahhhh yes I do indeed, oooops heheh, BUT I am not able to now  well not here anyway.quote: You know, you're absolutely right! Of course you do! heheeh. I will fix that, somehow ahem. quote: Ahhhh m'friend, but havent your eyes smelled flowers or your eyes tasted a favourite dessert or a flavoured coffee/tea etc C'mon now be honest! hehe. Hopefully you understand and IF you do, then that is what I mean  LOL.quote: I could most certainly try  quote: Hmmm I look forward to your "fairly matter of fact critiques" Gives me something to think about or argue about hehehehe, though I am usually thinking about them. HUmph! Well thank you for your time and input Furlong I do appreciate it so Maree |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Mr. F having already been here, I will simply say - Very lovely-- lots of potential in this one hon. take care, JThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Startime Member Ascendant
since 2000-10-03
Posts 5918Canada |
My senses came alive with the beautiful aromas of this poem. BRAVO!!! I love the whole feel of it.  Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams. |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
this is well done. . . I like the images here. . . unlike F, I like the image of the "smothering sea". . . I feel that it works here to compare to the "sprinkling". . . one and then the other. . . and the line about "eyes smelling" makes you stop and wonder if we could really do that. . . great job Maree. . . please continue to explore the corners of your mind. . . ---------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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SpitFire Member Elite
since 2000-04-19
Posts 2396 |
~This, is magic. Perhaps I was a step or two behind you here. The feeling this creates just wraps me in familiar, and sighs for your capture. Maree, exquisite. *Peace you. (Hopefully you'll make your way one day, to where the breath of this now lies). God you're good. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, I won't give a critique except to say that this poem did indeed put flavors on my tongue and smells in my nose....to me, that makes it a poem worth its salt...or flowers...or coffee |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
M Ok i give up on "street" i see what you mean I still think that sprinkled and smothering sound odd together - disagree with Sven in that respect. As for eyes and smells. I Do understand where you are coming from and as i said this can work sometimes, but imho it has to be done slightly more subtly. Anyway i look forward to seeing the revision ....lol. And thanks for responding so comprehensively F |
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Glenn Logan Member
since 2001-10-10
Posts 111Virginia |
A beautiful poem, with exquisite restraint! Best wishes, Glenn Logan |
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