How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Open Poetry #16 Archive
 In this time you call unfortunate   [ Page: 1  2  ]
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

In this time you call unfortunate

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


0 posted 10-05-2001 07:08 PM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Dark Angel


In this time you call unfortunate
  

How is it I see the sun within your armour?
Even when it plays the clever night behind
your spray of lashes
all taciturn:

In my waiting to receive you, I am fragile.
I break under the new moon in whispered sleep
chasing away the things you fear in this time
you call unfortunate:
I am weak between shadows and space,
and the days collapse around me louder than your voice.

I am no longer a smile of something beautiful but
a ridiculous clown with tangled feet, two steps back
of sawdust; rimmed.
This skin which holds me stubborn murders me.
My mouth is full with defeat as you gallop
and make distance from my breast.

Angel of Darkness
Saturday October 6th 2001




[This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 10-05-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Dark Angel - All Rights Reserved
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


1 posted 10-05-2001 07:16 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

"your spray of lashes
all taciturn"

Oh, how I love that, it is so original and descriptive.  The whole poem is so pact with originality, and the feeling it leaves me with, hurts.  Well done, Maree!!
Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 04-30-2000
Posts 16920
Ontario, Canada


2 posted 10-05-2001 07:19 PM       View Profile for Kit McCallum   Email Kit McCallum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kit McCallum

Wonderfully descriptive Maree ... excellent phrasing, with much to ponder through these lines, very well done!  

Best wishes,
/Kit
The Lady of Shallot
Senior Member
since 10-03-2001
Posts 840
USA


3 posted 10-05-2001 09:12 PM       View Profile for The Lady of Shallot   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit The Lady of Shallot's Home Page   View IP for The Lady of Shallot

nicely done, the vocabulary is quite original.
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


4 posted 10-07-2001 12:06 AM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

Martie, thank you so very much and thank you for your support and your help.  

Kit, Thank you  for your lovely reply and for taking the time to stop by and have a read  

Hi Lady, thank you so very much.  

Maree.

Duncan
Member Ascendant
since 08-07-2001
Posts 5716


5 posted 10-07-2001 12:13 AM       View Profile for Duncan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Duncan

I am no longer a smile of something beautiful but
a ridiculous clown with tangled feet, two steps back

Not sure exactly why but these lines especially got me.
Tracey
Member Elite
since 08-29-2001
Posts 3003
where insanity meets breeding


6 posted 10-07-2001 12:46 AM       View Profile for Tracey   Email Tracey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Tracey

What a beautiful write.

How is it I see the sun within your armour?
Even when it plays the clever night behind

I love those lines. Seeing the person who is behind the front they put out to the world.

My mouth is full with defeat as you gallop
and make distance from my breast.

And this part makes me want to say "quick, gallop after him. Catch him before he gets too far". I hope you do

If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please?

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020
Gaia


7 posted 10-07-2001 12:52 AM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

Your poetry is always so original and packed with emotion.

"I am no longer a smile of something beautiful but
a ridiculous clown with tangled feet, two steps back
of sawdust; rimmed"

An image I won't soon forget.
Sven
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 11-23-1999
Posts 15611
Lansing, MI USA


8 posted 10-07-2001 06:49 PM       View Profile for Sven   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sven

Maree. . . my friend, I am always amazed by the depth of your emotion. . .

superbly done. . .

---------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Aimster
Member Elite
since 02-19-2000
Posts 4367
Charlotte, NC


9 posted 10-07-2001 07:40 PM       View Profile for Aimster   Email Aimster   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aimster

Maree-

Well imagine this...the day I come back
to Passions I am rewarded with one of your
beautiful emotional pieces of work!! And,
this is no exception. Girl, you can write!!
Not sure if I've said it enough in the past,
but you possess an amazing talent and this
hit me like a ton of bricks! Well done--

Take care hon.
Love ya,
Amy

"If I am ever going to mend this broken heart...you look like a good place to start"

~George Strait~

Topheth
Member
since 09-08-2001
Posts 319
Texas


10 posted 10-07-2001 11:17 PM       View Profile for Topheth   Email Topheth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Topheth

Tried to pick out a few lines that touched me most, but couldn't.  They all did.  Love this write, Dark Angel.     Kewl.
sandgrain
Member Elite
since 09-21-1999
Posts 3657
Sycamore, IL, USA


11 posted 10-07-2001 11:24 PM       View Profile for sandgrain   Email sandgrain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for sandgrain

I've read this wonderful piece twice and I'm going back to read it again.  Your word choice is outstanding.
  Rae
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


12 posted 10-07-2001 11:49 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Angel girl looks like you have a little of that muse back? LOL

Fantastic write, and so very original.
Done with perfection!!
(((HUGS)))

<*\\\><    
Life may have influenced who we R, but we're responsible for what we become.
I don't question YOUR existance- GOD

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


13 posted 10-08-2001 05:59 AM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

DarkAngel~
This is sensitively lovely~

'In my waiting to receive you, I am fragile.
I break under the new moon in whispered sleep
chasing away the things you fear in this time
you call unfortunate:
I am weak between shadows and space,
and the days collapse around me louder than your voice.'


Creatively beautiful~
*Hugs*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com            

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


14 posted 10-08-2001 06:36 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Mmy

wow

This is masterful.

K
Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Laureate
since 06-07-2000
Posts 14805
Twilight Zone


15 posted 10-08-2001 07:53 PM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Acies

ya know Maree, you write too deep for me.
let me get back to you on this and really try to understand it first.
I'll brb  

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Jesa, Ina, Allysa, Marie, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Chelsea, Baker, Leah, Jess, Kimmie

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


16 posted 10-08-2001 09:41 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

My turn to call YOU--GORGEOUS...  
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


17 posted 10-09-2001 06:21 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Mmy...while I'm here I couldn't resist just adding a couple of crits...

ummm..firstly - I think that 'in this time you call unfortunate' reads better on one line - not just because its the title either. I have a feeling you broke it up solely because it is the title? It just reads awkwardly anywho...

and the last line - although I like make distance from my breast - is slightly out of sync with the tone of the whole piece..it doesn't sound so contemporary as the rest...

yeah...otherwise my dear - I's loves it...

hugs

K
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


18 posted 10-09-2001 12:56 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

yeah, masterful is the key word... original is the breath... and thus is your life too...

regards Maree,
Sudhir
Apachecat906
Member
since 09-04-2001
Posts 235
Michigan, USA


19 posted 10-09-2001 02:08 PM       View Profile for Apachecat906   Email Apachecat906   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Apachecat906

A wonderful but sad feeling poem. I can't pick out a favorite line, because they are all too powerful.  
This is one that goes directly to my heart, and to my library.

Thank you! I will dig up some of your old posts, as this is just beautiful.
Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 08-14-2001
Posts 37801
Somewhere in time~


20 posted 10-09-2001 03:36 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

Oh my..Dark Angel!! This is outstanding writing.  Every word has been specifically chosen and placed at the exact spot you wanted.  Just incredible!  ~Nancy~

~I've loved you forever, in lifetimes before.~
  

SpitFire
Member Elite
since 04-19-2000
Posts 2428


21 posted 10-09-2001 04:29 PM       View Profile for SpitFire   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SpitFire

~How I've missed such skill in writing. You, from way, way back have been one of my favorites to catch. As has been said, your phrasing is so unique. Different and fresh. - I read this breath of yours with a smile for your gift, and a hand over my heart for the message. *Peace Maree. This is fantastic. I mean that.

(oh phooey)

[This message has been edited by SpitFire (edited 10-09-2001).]

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


22 posted 10-09-2001 08:19 PM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

~Duncan, Hi! Thanks for stopping by and reading, I am not sure why either, but I am sure glad they did   Thank you  

~Tracey, thank you so much for your lovely reply and it is great to see you. I appreciate you stopping by and reading Thank you  


~ Midnitesun... an image I won't soon forget either   I thank you for your lovely reply and for stopping by, much appreciated  

~Sven and I am amazed at your lovely replies   I thank you and for your support.

~Ahhh Miss Amy, Well imagine my sweet surprise seeing you back at these wonderful blue pages, let me welcome you back again m'dear   I thank you for your always lovely replies  

~Topheth, why thank you so very much, glad you enjoyed! anf thank you for stopping by and having a read of little ole me  

~Rae, Wow twice! Thank you so much! I appreciate you stopping by and your lovely reply.  

~Angel!!! How lovely to see you here my dear friend   It's been so long I've missed you!
My muse is around, though she likes to play hide and go seek, but I'm always the one seeking.. HUMPH not fair!
Thanks for your lovely reply m'dear  

~ Marge, I thank you so very much for your lovely reply and for stopping by to read.

~ Tiggerrrrr.. Masterful ey? Wow, coming from you dear, that's one hellova compliment
thank you hon.  

~Acieeee, too deep? hmmmm well I'll look forward to see you here again, thanks for stopping by and having a read you handsome devil you *wink*  

~And my turn to call you LUSCIOUS! heheh
Thanks Karen, you're a Gem!

~ Kamla Ahhhh love crits from you sweetie  
quote:
I think that 'in this time you call unfortunate' reads better on one line


yup dear, you are absolutely right! I will fix that, but can't here 24 hours has passed.

quote:
and the last line - although I like make distance from my breast - is slightly out of sync with the tone of the whole piece..it doesn't sound so contemporary as the rest...


hmmmm, so should I change "breast" to ummm lets say "chest" I can't think of another word right now unless I get a little er um rude     What do you say?

I am glad you loves it hon, that makes me feel good  

hugs and love   talk soon, yes?


~Sudhir...Oh it's so good to see you! where have you been? Thannk you so very much for you lovely reply   I appreciate it so very much  

~Apachecat Thank you so much for stopping by and having a read and for enjoying. I thank you for your lovely reply and for adding this poem to your library  
er have fun reading my old posts.  

~Enchantress you're reply is so enchanting  
and I appreciate it so, I thank you!  

~Alicia, WOW! Your reply has really touched me, I mean you are one of my favourite poets and I literally collapse after reading you. And what you ahve said here has spun me out.
Thank you with all my heart. Peace to you hon!

I would like to thank all you wonderful poets
and friends for stopping by and taking the time to read my work. Please know that I do appreciate it so very much.
Much hugs and love

Maree  

[This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 10-09-2001).]

wayoutwalt
Member Ascendant
since 06-22-99
Posts 5106
TEXAS (it's all big)


23 posted 10-21-2001 05:24 PM       View Profile for wayoutwalt   Email wayoutwalt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for wayoutwalt

I always need a dictionary for your poems and that aint a bad thing but yuh I always have those words familiar in my head so I know I love each one yuh yuh
Elizabeth Cor
Senior Member
since 10-13-2000
Posts 906
Oregon (yeah!)


24 posted 04-07-2002 12:48 PM       View Profile for Elizabeth Cor   Email Elizabeth Cor   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Elizabeth Cor

This skin which holds me stubborn murders me.
My mouth is full with defeat as you gallop
and make distance from my breast.

...

two of the best lines I've ever read... and knowing how aptly they describe... makes them all the more remarkable. How glad I am to have stumbled here. I WISH I had written this.
Dark Angel will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Open Poetry #16 >> In this time you call unfortunate   [ Page: 1  2  ] Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors