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Open Poetry #16
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In this time you call unfortunate
| Open Poetry #16 |
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In this time you call unfortunate |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095
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In this time you call unfortunate How is it I see the sun within your armour? Even when it plays the clever night behind your spray of lashes all taciturn: In my waiting to receive you, I am fragile. I break under the new moon in whispered sleep chasing away the things you fear in this time you call unfortunate: I am weak between shadows and space, and the days collapse around me louder than your voice. I am no longer a smile of something beautiful but a ridiculous clown with tangled feet, two steps back of sawdust; rimmed. This skin which holds me stubborn murders me. My mouth is full with defeat as you gallop and make distance from my breast. Angel of Darkness Saturday October 6th 2001 [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 10-05-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Dark Angel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
"your spray of lashes all taciturn" Oh, how I love that, it is so original and descriptive. The whole poem is so pact with originality, and the feeling it leaves me with, hurts. Well done, Maree!! |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Wonderfully descriptive Maree ... excellent phrasing, with much to ponder through these lines, very well done!  Best wishes, /Kit |
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The Lady of Shallot Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818USA |
nicely done, the vocabulary is quite original. |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Martie, thank you so very much and thank you for your support and your help. Kit, Thank you for your lovely reply and for taking the time to stop by and have a read Hi Lady, thank you so very much. Maree. |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
I am no longer a smile of something beautiful but a ridiculous clown with tangled feet, two steps back Not sure exactly why but these lines especially got me. |
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Tracey Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808where insanity meets breeding |
What a beautiful write. How is it I see the sun within your armour? Even when it plays the clever night behind I love those lines. Seeing the person who is behind the front they put out to the world. My mouth is full with defeat as you gallop and make distance from my breast. And this part makes me want to say "quick, gallop after him. Catch him before he gets too far". I hope you do If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please? |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Your poetry is always so original and packed with emotion. "I am no longer a smile of something beautiful but a ridiculous clown with tangled feet, two steps back of sawdust; rimmed" An image I won't soon forget. |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
Maree. . . my friend, I am always amazed by the depth of your emotion. . . superbly done. . . --------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
Maree- Well imagine this...the day I come back to Passions I am rewarded with one of your beautiful emotional pieces of work!! And, this is no exception. Girl, you can write!! Not sure if I've said it enough in the past, but you possess an amazing talent and this hit me like a ton of bricks! Well done-- Take care hon. Love ya, Amy "If I am ever going to mend this broken heart...you look like a good place to start" |
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Topheth Member
since 2001-09-08
Posts 297Texas |
Tried to pick out a few lines that touched me most, but couldn't. They all did. Love this write, Dark Angel.  Kewl. |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
I've read this wonderful piece twice and I'm going back to read it again. Your word choice is outstanding. Rae |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Angel girl looks like you have a little of that muse back? LOL Fantastic write, and so very original. Done with perfection!! (((HUGS))) <*\\\>< |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
DarkAngel~ This is sensitively lovely~ 'In my waiting to receive you, I am fragile. I break under the new moon in whispered sleep chasing away the things you fear in this time you call unfortunate: I am weak between shadows and space, and the days collapse around me louder than your voice.' Creatively beautiful~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Mmy wow This is masterful.  K |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
ya know Maree, you write too deep for me. let me get back to you on this and really try to understand it first. I'll brb hi Sweets, Lizzy, Jesa, Ina, Allysa, Marie, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Chelsea, Baker, Leah, Jess, Kimmie |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
My turn to call YOU--GORGEOUS... |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Mmy...while I'm here I couldn't resist just adding a couple of crits... ummm..firstly - I think that 'in this time you call unfortunate' reads better on one line - not just because its the title either. I have a feeling you broke it up solely because it is the title? It just reads awkwardly anywho... and the last line - although I like make distance from my breast - is slightly out of sync with the tone of the whole piece..it doesn't sound so contemporary as the rest... yeah...otherwise my dear - I's loves it... hugs K |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
yeah, masterful is the key word... original is the breath... and thus is your life too... regards Maree, Sudhir |
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Apachecat906 Member
since 2001-09-04
Posts 217Michigan, USA |
A wonderful but sad feeling poem. I can't pick out a favorite line, because they are all too powerful. This is one that goes directly to my heart, and to my library. Thank you! I will dig up some of your old posts, as this is just beautiful. |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Oh my..Dark Angel!! This is outstanding writing. Every word has been specifically chosen and placed at the exact spot you wanted. Just incredible! ~Nancy~ ~I've loved you forever, in lifetimes before.~ |
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SpitFire Member Elite
since 2000-04-19
Posts 2396 |
~How I've missed such skill in writing. You, from way, way back have been one of my favorites to catch. As has been said, your phrasing is so unique. Different and fresh. - I read this breath of yours with a smile for your gift, and a hand over my heart for the message. *Peace Maree. This is fantastic. I mean that. (oh phooey) [This message has been edited by SpitFire (edited 10-09-2001).] |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
~Duncan, Hi! Thanks for stopping by and reading, I am not sure why either, but I am sure glad they did Thank you ~Tracey, thank you so much for your lovely reply and it is great to see you. I appreciate you stopping by and reading Thank you ~ Midnitesun... an image I won't soon forget either I thank you for your lovely reply and for stopping by, much appreciated ~Sven and I am amazed at your lovely replies I thank you and for your support.~Ahhh Miss Amy, Well imagine my sweet surprise seeing you back at these wonderful blue pages, let me welcome you back again m'dear I thank you for your always lovely replies ~Topheth, why thank you so very much, glad you enjoyed! anf thank you for stopping by and having a read of little ole me ~Rae, Wow twice! Thank you so much! I appreciate you stopping by and your lovely reply. ~Angel!!! How lovely to see you here my dear friend It's been so long I've missed you!My muse is around, though she likes to play hide and go seek, but I'm always the one seeking.. HUMPH not fair! Thanks for your lovely reply m'dear ~ Marge, I thank you so very much for your lovely reply and for stopping by to read. ~ Tiggerrrrr.. Masterful ey? Wow, coming from you dear, that's one hellova compliment thank you hon. ~Acieeee, too deep? hmmmm well I'll look forward to see you here again, thanks for stopping by and having a read you handsome devil you *wink* ~And my turn to call you LUSCIOUS! heheh Thanks Karen, you're a Gem! ~ Kamla Ahhhh love crits from you sweetie quote: yup dear, you are absolutely right! I will fix that, but can't here 24 hours has passed. quote: hmmmm, so should I change "breast" to ummm lets say "chest" I can't think of another word right now unless I get a little er um rude What do you say?I am glad you loves it hon, that makes me feel good hugs and love talk soon, yes?~Sudhir...Oh it's so good to see you! where have you been? Thannk you so very much for you lovely reply I appreciate it so very much ~Apachecat Thank you so much for stopping by and having a read and for enjoying. I thank you for your lovely reply and for adding this poem to your library er have fun reading my old posts. ~Enchantress you're reply is so enchanting and I appreciate it so, I thank you! ~Alicia, WOW! Your reply has really touched me, I mean you are one of my favourite poets and I literally collapse after reading you. And what you ahve said here has spun me out. Thank you with all my heart. Peace to you hon! I would like to thank all you wonderful poets and friends for stopping by and taking the time to read my work. Please know that I do appreciate it so very much. Much hugs and love Maree [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 10-09-2001).] |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
I always need a dictionary for your poems and that aint a bad thing but yuh I always have those words familiar in my head so I know I love each one yuh yuh |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
This skin which holds me stubborn murders me. My mouth is full with defeat as you gallop and make distance from my breast. ... two of the best lines I've ever read... and knowing how aptly they describe... makes them all the more remarkable. How glad I am to have stumbled here. I WISH I had written this. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
geez, how'd I miss this? Very deep and emotional...powerful writing! I enjoyed this |
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LadySofia Member
since 2000-05-16
Posts 238FL., USA |
This poem really tickled my fancy. As some of the others have said beforehand, I agree that this was a very original piece which left me a little saddened. It sounded as though she of the poem felt it, all the way through. |
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