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jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

0 posted 2001-09-05 05:18 PM

Voices

Clock ticking, ticking.
Voices heard throughout the day -
filling the seconds of my life.
Summer, winter, spring and fall,
schizophrenic reality.

wesley james beard, jr.
(c)September 2001

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

1 posted 2001-09-05 05:24 PM

JW, I believe it is indeed a tanka if my sylablle count is correct. Very well written, the ticking of the clock is something we all hear. Well done.

On the wings of words our spirits fly....and our souls are free.
~Me~

(I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance~Garth)

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

2 posted 2001-09-05 05:37 PM

Thanks GentleSpirit...believe syllable count is correct...was more concerned with the subject. Never wrote one before and didn't know if it had to be specifically ABOUT nature...or just a nature reference like a Haiku....?

jwesley

[This message has been edited by jwesley (edited 09-05-2001).]

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

3 posted 2001-09-05 06:25 PM

I like the way this made me feel.....very cool

How's the rain?

"Deputy Moderator ~ Open Forum"

mirror man
Senior Member

since 2001-01-08

Posts 814

4 posted 2001-09-09 12:40 PM

Actually, this is very good. I would be interested to know your source.

cpalmer
Senior Member

since 2001-06-26

Posts 977
Phoenix, Az

5 posted 2001-09-09 12:46 PM

JW,
I don't think the tanka has to have a certain subject...this is very good! I like the symbolizm in it

My hat is off to you!
Cindi

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

6 posted 2001-09-09 01:40 AM

jwesley-
   Although I do like this write, it doesn't
   have the correct syllable count for a tanka.
   A tanka syllable count is 5-7-5-7-7.
   This one appears to be 5-7-8-7-8.
   As I said...I did enjoy this poem though.
   Good attempt!

   Hugs,
   ~vicky

"...a heartbeat in every syllable..."
-vlraynes
<a href="http://www.home.earthlink.net/~vraynes/">

Charisma

Member Ascendant

since 2000-09-30

Posts 5906
lost in blue pages

7 posted 2001-09-09 10:14 AM

I like it very much....good attempt and I am looking forward to see some more.

Charisma

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

8 posted 2001-09-09 02:16 PM

Hi Vicky, Glad you said something - don't know how I so totally blew it in line three... will think about how to and then fix it. But line five is correct...3 syllables in schizo and 4 in reality.

Mirror Man...no source other than what one garners from everyday life - hearing/seeing/reading etc. from various sources. No first hand exp. with anyone with the illness - so if I was close, I was lucky I guess.

Thanks to all for the read and the informative comments. Really appreaciate you help. Will try and get it "right" next time.
(hiding head in shame, esp. concerning the badly blown third line..."I" should have caught that).

jwesley

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