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Rick
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since 2001-06-21
Posts 2903
Victoria, Australia

0 posted 2001-08-31 09:39 AM



At peace upon the earth
She gives her wonders, beauty, life
The soul and earth, one

© Copyright 2001 Rick Van Weenen - All Rights Reserved
Lady In White
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since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799
USA
1 posted 2001-08-31 09:45 AM


Rick...Haiku Lesson number one:

5-7-5...each number indicates the count of syllable....

second:  Haiku is NATURE only...

third:  Senryu involves PEOPLE...

a "revision" would be something like:

At peace upon earth
all her wonders, beauty, life
The soul and earth, one

A Marvelous First Attempt!

Rick
Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 2903
Victoria, Australia
2 posted 2001-08-31 09:54 AM


Thank you dear Lady in White, I still do not really understand, but I am sure it will come to me with time.

Looking forward to more lessons.

Rick

VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon
3 posted 2001-08-31 10:37 AM


yep, Rick, you'll get the count
each vowel sound is a syllable
the dictionary can help with the count

as far as keeping a haiku strictly nature and concrete...not abstract, no metaphors, personification or similes, that's the difficult part (for me) I only learned last year that there's such a thing as a senyru...every haiku wannabe that has the count right, but doesn't fit inside the other parameters is a senyru

but then, every time I write a haiku, anymore, there is someone that says, no, not quite

ah me, alas


RSWells
Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533

4 posted 2001-08-31 11:55 AM


I feel we could all benefit if this were moved to the discussion area. I recently acquired a well thought of book on both haiku and senryu and see that something is lost in the translation between the very very different languages of japanese and english. While I've adhered to the 5-7-5 format many published poets do not.
Midnitesun
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Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
5 posted 2001-08-31 01:40 PM


I don't think Onjis and syllables are equal. Strictly speaking, if you want it to be a Haiku, it should probably be written in Japanese, not English. Not being a pure purist, I often write American style Haikus that may really be Senryus. Few seem to know the difference, as I'm seeing lots of posts in the 5-7-5 framework that don't fit the "original" standards of Haiku.
I enjoyed this poem.

BloomingRose
Member Elite
since 2000-08-09
Posts 3092
Florida
6 posted 2001-08-31 02:56 PM


I know it's know exactly correct, but I still love it!

Deb

Charisma
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Posts 5906
lost in blue pages
7 posted 2001-08-31 03:39 PM


Beatiful first attempt...
http://myweb.wwa.com/~rgs/gl-h.html

at this url you can find information about these wonderful forms.

Keep on writing.

Charisma


Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
8 posted 2001-08-31 04:57 PM


First of all, it's a beautiful write.

There are several forms of haiku and there is a difference between the English and Japanese haikus.

The most common one used is the 5-7-5 however.

Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Feel free to use the pictures on my website. http://communities.msn.com/Titiasplace/

rwood
Member Elite
since 2000-02-29
Posts 3793
Tennessee
9 posted 2001-09-01 07:24 AM


Mother Nature loves you! A beautiful first attempt. I don't really know anything, still learning. But the verse is so lovely.  

Sincerely,
Regina

kaile
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since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146
singapore
10 posted 2001-09-01 01:46 PM


not a bad attempt...you should have witnessed my first haiku...
catalinamoon
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Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543
The Shores of Alone
11 posted 2001-09-01 10:10 PM


Whatever it's called, it sounds pretty nice to me. I didn't know senru vs haiku either.. LOL
I always want to say "Bless You" when someone says HAIKU I'm just a love poet  anyway, me and nature are only compatible if the right guy is invloved..
Sandra

Voiceless
Senior Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 686
Under the stars upon the wind
12 posted 2001-09-01 11:46 PM


(I liked it!!)
This is really beautiful,
and even though it isn't
the exact form, the thought
behind was brilliant and I
can't wait to read your next one!

Freedom is not Free (Korean War memorial)

ethome
Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada
13 posted 2001-09-01 11:49 PM


Hey Rick!   At least you gave it a try and it was a very good attempt. I thank Lady in White myself because there was some things that I didn't realize either!

Have a nice day!

Rick
Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 2903
Victoria, Australia
14 posted 2001-09-03 09:43 AM


I would like to thank you all my friends for reading and replying to my work. Not easy to try something new, but I love the challenge.
I will keep on trying, be it true or not the idea of the simplicity is great.

Thank you again, all of you.

Rick

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