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Open Poetry #15
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Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554


0 posted 2001-08-12 01:11 PM


~Second Wind~


I've felt this storm brewing for months now
I knew this hard rain was coming in
There will be no place to seek shelter
For this storm rages beneath my skin

This sure 'aint the best I can be
I don't know how I got so lost while standing still
Now I'm not sure I can find my way back to me
Too much taken away too soon has also taken away my will

And I know some things are my mistakes
I'll take more than my share of the blame
So much has happened it's gotten to the point
Neither of us can explain nor hide the shame

Of all the ways I seem to constantly fail you
Just by simply being me
And all the things that you still cant give
Leaves little left between us but harsh reality

Do you even recognize me now
I wonder if you ever knew who I was before
Its been so long since you really looked at me
And Im not sure if it even matters anymore

Now we walk in wide circles around this void
And we fill the holes with more emptiness
While we reach out to intimate strangers
trying to find comfort in temptation's caress

So we sleep with phone card lovers
And we seek corners of comfortably numb
We paint the walls in shades of denial
To the drugs of depression we wearily succumb

We escape into cyberspace
Hiding our ugly behind the pretty blue screen
Here we are loved for what we say, not who we are
Here we can find the serene, the obscene, and all in between

In this medium we can be--all that we're not
The perfect fantasy dressed in lace anonymity
I'll make you moan just to keep from being alone
Even though we both know you'd never want me in reality

Cyberspace makes being bad feel way too good
We constantly confuse love and lust
We feel safe sitting in our computer chairs
So we naively give away both our hearts and our trust

But now I'm so worn by loving people
That I'll never be able to touch
It leaves an empty ache burning deep inside
And it all just hurts too damn much

Then there is this sense of loneliness
That has owned me for as long as I can remember
And the painful realization that I wont ever recover from
The butterfly losses sustained in 99's Forever December

How much of one's heart can be given away
Before we can no longer pay the cost
How deep inside of me can I go
Before I simply become lost

And those who are supposed to care the most
Shake their heads never even trying to understand
Those who have stood by me, as I once did them
Well, I can count them on one trembling hand

Yet they wonder why I stopped talking
And choose to let my rhymes speak for me instead
Still, while the poetry quietly comforts
It wont keep us warm when we're lying in loneliness' bed

As I sit here watching the you in me slowly dying
I pray that my heart will live to tell
God help me, I don't think I'm strong enough
And I know this time it's gonna hurt like hell

Now I look out into the distance
Wondering if there's something kind
And I know I need to find some purpose
But I'm just so tired and I'm feeling left behind

So once again this storm rises to the surface
And I'm not sure if I'm giving up or giving in
Sometimes I just cant breathe in this second skin too thin
Lord forgive me this ...  I'm just searching for my second wind


Janet Marie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"We're all feeding our lonely ... like it might go away ...
Like the doors to Heaven would swing open ...
If we could just find the right words to say."


~Edwin McCain~


"We wish ourselves beautiful ... and cry in the night ...
It's not the love you fear ... it's the fall from the height.
My personal ledges ... afraid to look down ...
My crepe paper bridges ... enough water to drown.
So don't leave me ... but I know you're justified ...
No don't leave me ... but a part of you in me has died"


~Edwin McCain~


"And I have traveled through my mind
I've given all my dreams up to time
Tell me what else can I do
We'll I'm nothing without you

But you, you just don't know what to do
I guess I'll have to lose my love for you
These feelings cannot stay
Cause I'm withering away"


~Vertical Horizon~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`


*inspired by recent conversations with friends about marriage, divorce, loneliness, and the impact that "cyber-love" and the computer has had on us.
Also inspired by things read here in the poetry, discussion forums, and replies on these same topics. And while my "mothy" temptations are well documented on these pages ...  
Not all of this is from my personal life.(or the lack of it)  *S*
This is meant to be an honest look at the things "we" sometimes hurt ourselves on when we are trying to escape being lonely and also a frank commentary on one side of cyber-life.
I am in no way judging anyone, nor do I mean to offend.
thank you
peace and poetry
jm

I know no one is to blame
In time youll feel strength when you call my name
I know Ill never hold you again
And I know Ill never be the same
VH

© Copyright 2001 Janet Marie - All Rights Reserved
jwesley
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563
Spring, Texas
1 posted 2001-08-12 01:22 PM


JM - even for you, who writes so wonderfully, this is a marvelous piece.  So much here, so much depth and understanding and feeling. I love it all... but especially this:

..."I don't know how I got so lost while standing still
Now I'm not sure I can find my way back to me
Too much taken away too soon has also taken away my will."

Very deep bow from this commoner to the master....

jwesley

[This message has been edited by jwesley (edited 08-12-2001).]

Logan
Senior Member
since 2001-05-28
Posts 1641
Arkansas
2 posted 2001-08-12 01:24 PM


Now I look out into the distance
Wondering if there's something kind
And I know I need to find some purpose
But I'm just so tired and I'm feeling left behind

Sigh, Janet Marie, there are so many points there that I could address to you, but this one sticks out like a red flag, for I have been there ahhh, way too many times. So for what it is worth, you can always count at least one on that trembling hand, but you sell yourself way too short, for more love you than you know..Peace to the wounded butterfly..Healing to the crippled spirit, but it all is there to rise again and fly unfettered in loves breeze...very tender gentle smile


Mother_Earth
Senior Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 1370
1/2 year Texas & 1/2 year Michigan
3 posted 2001-08-12 01:35 PM


Janet Marie, you have gone to the heart of the matter.  We let our heart and soul hang out for all here to see as we see their insides.  Is it any wonder that we get lost out there? So many time "others" words give us hope and comfort, but then there are the words that cut to the quick.  I wish I could heal others hurts, but I can't seem to comfort those I want to.  Your words have made me think about all of those lives out there in that blue screen.  I can see what you are saying and it is too easy to get lost out there.  I wish us all luck in the future and take comfort from the past.  Well done and hold that thought.  ME
Parker
Member Elite
since 2000-01-06
Posts 3129
ON
4 posted 2001-08-12 02:39 PM


Janet, my sweet friend... this is a lovely open look at how we can get lost in this reality. It has its joys and pains and so many sweet and sinful ways...  

Thanks for shareing this lovely write.  

Your computer or Mine..  

Parker

Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
5 posted 2001-08-12 03:33 PM


Janet Marie--you see right through into the heart and that makes you very special..and if it were your hand you were counting friends on, I stand with Logan.  This poem is a work of art..and you an artist, with an understanding heart that is amazing!!..Hugs!!!!!
rwood
Member Elite
since 2000-02-29
Posts 3793
Tennessee
6 posted 2001-08-12 03:37 PM


So once again this storm rises to the surface
And I'm not sure if I'm giving up or giving in
Sometimes I just cant breathe in this second skin too thin
Lord forgive me this ...  I'm just searching for my second wind

This reminds me so much, of "Waiting to Exhale" the book/movie. I hope you don't have to sell and burn everything to cleanse as she did. Although I know why she did it all too well. I appreciate your frankness, it is refreshing, as I hope you become refreshed once again. This poem was very real to me, even though it is on a cyber board. I guess we have to take in this internet thing like water. Enough to quinch our needs but not enough to drown. If that makes any sense. I admire your trying, that's what makes it real. Peace to you Janet.
Sincerely,
Regina

What lies behind us and what lies before us
are small matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

7 posted 2001-08-12 03:42 PM


Of all the ways I seem to constantly fail you
Just by simply being me
And all the things that you still cant give
Leaves little left between us but harsh reality
Janet, this is one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn myself lately.....And I have taken it to heart or am trying very hard, but one can never fail when they have been true to themselves and have just been "me".  Your words struck deep dear poetess, may peace be yours.  

On the wings of words our spirits fly....and our souls are free.
~Me~

(I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance~Garth)

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
8 posted 2001-08-12 03:52 PM



Once again, you see so much, and speak for many...our moth of many colors...

well done little one!

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
9 posted 2001-08-12 03:58 PM


JM,
You served your heart upon a poem. Took a life time to bake and make. I roam the same catacomb and fly in the same wake. The answer
lies within yourself. But then you know that.
Winkiewinkie Stinky.

citizenx
Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189
motorcade
10 posted 2001-08-12 04:15 PM


Now we walk in wide circles around this void
And we fill the holes with more emptiness
While we reach out to intimate strangers
trying to find comfort in temptation's caress

So we sleep with phone card lovers
And we seek corners of comfortably numb
We paint the walls in shades of denial
To the drugs of depression we wearily succumb

We escape into cyberspace
Hiding our ugly behind the pretty blue screen
Here we are loved for what we say, not who we are
Here we can find the serene, the obscene, and all in between
==============

Jan marie, I don't know how to even respond I am speechless, relationships are never easy, often draining so much that we wonder is love worth it and I believe it is. I am sure that I will come back to these words again, there honesty and power amaze me. Be well poetess.

shadows flicker sweet end tame
dancing like crazy mourners" magazine


SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676
with you
11 posted 2001-08-12 04:18 PM


just when I think your poetry couldn't touch me any deeper....couldn't...you go and give me more magic....no one else like you   you are the Queen Butterfly  
RSWells
Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533

12 posted 2001-08-12 04:40 PM


A painful read, no doubt a painful write,
fantasy's seed, we sprout in cybers light,
in life we bleed this "other" world ignites,
fulfilling needs so safely from Loves sight.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to decieve"

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

13 posted 2001-08-12 05:06 PM


  


Don't just RUN naked through the forum---DANCE, BABY, DANCE!!!

rofl...

SIMPLY INCREDIBLE MY TWIN.

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
14 posted 2001-08-12 05:06 PM


You write pain very well
This is an outstanding poem
But I agree with Sy
The answers are within yourself
If you stand firmly where you are, and keep within view what's most important to you, the tough times are a bit easier.
Depression is a innate characteristic of my disease, so I am constantly fighting it, whether it is present or not.
I try to balance in my mind what I have with what I don't have. I always win.
Love ya, dear
Liz

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
15 posted 2001-08-12 05:11 PM


Janet this is an interesting expression of your inner thoughts...I feel like sometimes if we are not in our comfort zone we are trying to make peace with our past...James
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

16 posted 2001-08-12 07:50 PM


Of all the ways I seem to constantly fail you
Just by simply being me
And all the things that you still cant give
Leaves little left between us but harsh reality


JM, these lines really hit hard.
You've penned a thought provoking piece my dear. An excellent write and a wonderful read.

I enjoyed.

Maree  

Honeybee
Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372
Ontario, CANADA
17 posted 2001-08-12 07:53 PM



Sighs, Miss butterfly, you express these emotions too well!   An awesome purge of raw feelings here, I'm sure many will relate~

Melissa~

"Poetry is not an opinion expressed...
it is a song that rises from a bleeding
wound...or a smiling mouth"

~Kahlil Gibran~

Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

18 posted 2001-08-12 08:08 PM


This is absolutely awesome, Janet Marie! Very well done!
snowpants
Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061
KS
19 posted 2001-08-12 10:46 PM


'Of all the ways I seem to constantly fail you
Just by simply being me
And all the things that you still cant give
Leaves little left between us but harsh reality

Do you even recognize me now
I wonder if you ever knew who I was before
Its been so long since you really looked at me
And Im not sure if it even matters anymore'

'Then there is this sense of loneliness
That has owned me for as long as I can remember
And the painful realization that I wont ever recover from
The butterfly losses sustained in 99's Forever December

How much of one's heart can be given away
Before we can no longer pay the cost
How deep inside of me can I go
Before I simply become lost'

I hope you know that you are the coolest, J...good... ...but, really, this is an awesome write describing the hurt that can catch us if we're not careful...AND, I think you should put some clothes on... ...excellent, girlie!  

sp  

no power in creation,
no mortal complication,
will ever stop me from being with you...

Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

20 posted 2001-08-13 12:12 PM


I could write a book on depression but it would be too depressing. Janet Marie, you are one of my favorites here on the forums and believe me I read the pain and emotion in this one. Big hug coming your way. Please take care of yourself ok?  

" I walked beside the evening sea And dreamed a dream that could not be" George William Curtis"

Kay

maeve
Member
since 2001-08-01
Posts 139
In the Outback
21 posted 2001-08-13 04:07 AM


But now I'm so worn by loving people
That I'll never be able to touch
It leaves an empty ache burning deep inside
And it all just hurts too damn much

How much of one's heart can be given away
Before we can no longer pay the cost
How deep inside of me can I go
Before I simply become lost

So once again this storm rises to the surface
And I'm not sure if I'm giving up or giving in
Sometimes I just cant breathe in this second skin too thin
Lord forgive me this ...  I'm just searching for my second wind


Oh Janet...I know these feelings all too well lately. It's your turn to write my feelings for me. Thank you, you touched me with this.

Maeve

Take me home to Erin's shores,
to where my heart roams free.

Butterflies_dont_cry
Member Elite
since 2000-03-06
Posts 3733
Michigan
22 posted 2001-08-13 05:55 AM


I'm not sure what I expected...but what I got was amazing girlie...so much truth that we ourselves can't look at but that you in your weave of bitter honesty have woven into the saftey of poetry...just by reading the replies here one can tell that this topic evokes many feelings inside of us and you once again have proved your poetry to be amazing.  *kissing the toes of the queen*!!
tracie66
Member Elite
since 2000-01-18
Posts 4713
Australia
23 posted 2001-08-13 06:06 AM


Intensely beautiful dear Janny girl
amazing write hon....well done

~HUGS~
Tracie~

Love is the life of the soul...
It is the harmony of the universe



passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
24 posted 2001-08-13 07:32 AM


honestly Janet, it's a bit long...but I suppose I've been somewhat out of touch with reading lately. Got lost in the middle and had to go back to the start, but upon my arrival towards the end, it was worth the time.
EagleOne
Member Elite
since 2000-03-07
Posts 2829
Between a laugh and a tear...
25 posted 2001-08-13 07:33 AM


I'm not sure I know where to begin on this one Janet. Certainly a wonderful write, open, honest, almost an assault on the senses, though I doubt anyone could be offended. It touched me, thank you, take care!

"Let me pierce the realm of glamour
So I know just what I am." ~ Van Morrison


Jeffrey Carter
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367
State of constant confusion!
26 posted 2001-08-13 10:00 AM


I have to say I think the interpretation is dead on perfect, wonderful writing as always Jan-gator
Decaflame
Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635

27 posted 2001-08-13 11:42 AM



The purge shall surge, and you shall ride the waves....

illusion
Member
since 2001-06-19
Posts 296

28 posted 2001-08-13 01:24 PM


"Of all the ways I seem to constantly fail you
Just by simply being me"

In this sadly beautiful poem, I think these lines affect me more than any other - for when you fail someone by being yourself, the failure is theirs, not yours - no matter how enthusiastically they try to lay guilt at your door.  

"We escape into cyberspace
Hiding our ugly ehind the pretty blue screen
Here we are loved for what we say, not who we are"

There are many wonderful people who are exactly what they say, but there are also monsters who epitomize charm as they wait to devour the vulnerable. You've described well the false safety we feel as we hope that the ones we trust follow the Golden Rule.  

This is a very powerful poem, very well written. The reader loses the superb rhyme and rhythm in the bitter truths. So many passages beg to be read again and again, lest we forget.

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

29 posted 2001-08-13 07:37 PM


Thank you all so very very much for these accepting and encouraging replies.
Thank you to all who emailed as well.
I wanted to clarify something...
that verse about people not "standing by me"
was not directed at anyone here...
it was meant about old friends and family who find it easier to look the other way than deal with certain issues...as well as
their lack of interest in my poetry..
thus the reason I prefer the company of fellow poets.
Any way...thank you all, your constant support and acceptance means more than these replies will ever convey.
Love to Poetry Land
jm

We're all feeding our lonely...like it might go away...
Like the doors to Heaven would swing open...
If we could just find the right words to say

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