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Jaime Fradera
Senior Member

since 2000-11-25

Posts 843
Where no tyranny is tolerable

0 posted 2001-08-08 12:57 PM

Night Terror

1:
First, the Sun is born;
and after that, its children.
Time passed and, on Earth,
both Life and Death appeared.

2:
a young girl
brings me a caged gull,
a boney, prehistoric-looking thing,
to keep for her
til she returns.
But millions of years pass,
and there is the roar of rushing water.
The bird,
and the carion it has eaten,
rots
and then begins to stink.
Millions of years pass,
and there is the roar of rushing water.

3:
The young girl plays
in a heated indoor pool,
and the air hangs thick
with steam and scent of chlorine.
As she plays,
a dark, malignant thing
inches tward her
from the heated depths below,
a deadly, petrifying force
that will fosselize her
unless she leaves the pool.
I try to tell her this,
but she pays me no attention
and just goes right on playing.
As savage Death draws closer,
again I try to warn her;
again she will not listen.
And her splashing and her cries
only grow wilder,
and then frenzied,
then delerious.
In terror,
with only seconds left to spare,
I rush outside
and try to call for help.
But no one else will pay attention.
No one else will listen,
not until I know
that it has happened,
not until I know
it is too late.
To the reader:
Do you see some run-on sentence constructions in here with too many comas
and conjunctions?
I'm also being humiliated by the spell checker and don't know if this
came out right ...
Jaime

Paula Finn
Member Ascendant

since 2000-06-17

Posts 5546
missouri

1 posted 2001-08-08 01:43 AM

It came out just fine my friend....this is very dark and deep Jaime...great write

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

2 posted 2001-08-11 11:29 AM

now these are some dark images. . . there are some minor spelling errors. . . but nothing major. . . why can't they make a spell check that works???

as far as the run-on sentences and commas. . . they fit the flow of the poem perfectly. . . the commas add the pauses, and actually add that degree of fright that you want here. . . I don't notice any run-ons either. . .

this is well done, and shouldn't be back here on Page 6!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

SmittenKitten
Senior Member

since 2001-06-20

Posts 1131
where the sky and horizon meet

3 posted 2001-08-11 04:11 PM

Another dream inspired write? Your soul must be struggling with something to be throwing images like that at you at night! I love your vivid descriptions. Keep 'em coming!

~Krista

"Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you.
And all you can do is to go where they can find you."
~Winnie the Pooh

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

4 posted 2001-08-30 11:17 PM

Throw away the spell checker and just ask me...my nickname was eagle eyes years ago, not because of keen eyesight, but because I am the world's best proofreader. My friends used to call me the walking dictionary. (That's because they didn't remember I lost the 6th grade spelling championship by misspelling the word maintenance. I still spell it wrong about half the time, but most people don't care or notice) So what's the point? Misspell(OOPS I just typred in missmell and had to fix it) all you want, sometimes I'll bring it to your attention, but often I'll just ignore it, as it is probably just a smelly ol' typo anyway.
Now, I have to go re-read what you wrote because I forgot what I was going to say about the Poem!
Midnitesun also known as Kacy (and sometimes I call myself the Loon)

OK, I re-read it. Well, did she get fossilized or not? Are you planning on leaving midnitesun in the dark? I'm guessing she is history. Or did a knight (night) in shining (or tarnished) armor rescue her at the last possible second? Guess I'll go back and read it agian, so I can my full dose of terror for the day.
Hugs in stormy weather to you, Kacy

[This message has been edited by Midnitesun (edited 08-30-2001).]

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

5 posted 2001-08-30 11:27 PM

WOW! would you check out those typos I just did? My keyboard must be dirty or having a bad day, because I'm sure I DIDN"T DO IT, as Bart Simpson says.

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