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Open Poetry #15
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The Only Answering Sound
| Open Poetry #15 |
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The Only Answering Sound |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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She has a method of frowning: the mouth crinkles slightly, the eyes look inward. Her hair remembers the wind – it tries to find movement even when she’s still. Though I can’t see her - the sun is tilted at different angles in our separate skies – I know her expressions. I know how her cheeks tighten when tears come. The bones are etched and achingly traceable. She lives by an ocean, the sand there is larger than mine. Does this mean the waves are gentler? She hurts. She's rediscovering life. If I feel left behind it is only fragmentary. Perhaps, outside the veins of our friendship, we’ll remember how it was, those tiny days: We laughed as children do – hysterically climbing in lifts, and huddling in movies like conspirators, whispering and annoying. She’d fold over herself in the kitchen, waggling utensils and forgetting the boiling water, while I recited jokes – extroverted. I imitated her voice and now she can never say ‘here’ without thinking of me. Now, we hurl words. We're like sisters, twelve year olds scapping for toys and parental rewards. There are no rewards: We’re distancing. [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 07-19-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved | |||
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Nicely done. Some very nice images and flow of idea... This line to me seemed out of lace and with no supporting ines above "Now, we hurl words" Not sure why...it struck me as out of place and perhaps too over used to fit the rest of the language and images you presented. [This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (edited 07-19-2001).] |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
I'm going to steal that line...."her hair remembers the wind..." and if I can't steal it, I'm going to borrow the thought and realign it...it's a "wow"... perhaps, drop the "so" from second stanza, first line? Admire the imagery...of course! Felt the ache... an admirable write...wish I could do it so well! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I got critiqued! You critiqued me! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!! I was critiqued! Ahem. Sorry. Rotf. Cpat - hmmm...I thought the 'now' technically negated the necessity of the supporting lines above. The prior lines indicate how the friendship was, the 'now' indicated the advent of change, the hurling words show argument and the rest of the words flesh out the devastation of the friendship. Phew...babble babble...I was worried about the 'now' in the line above - but then I have always been utterly obssessive over repetition heh. Thanks for your comments - I'll read over it again when I have a little time away from it. Lady - Actually - I was seriously wondering about the 'so' I put it in..took it out again..put it in...then I think I reached that point where I got too close to the poem...I agree and I think it will go. Damn..have to have an edit message now lol...thank you  Thank you both so much!  KI am a refugee of logic...insisting |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Oh Kamla, I loved this look at the intimacy between two people, the little things that told the story of their relationship, even at great distance. The ending made me want to weep. Well done! |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
I heard that laughing so I had to come back in to read the babble... just remember one thing, little K...you may be distancing now, but it is most likely something that will come full circle... you cannot be as close as this write allows, to have that much distance not pole you together once more.... warm smiles... |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Follow up I understand the transition used with "Now" I do not however think the line is befitting of the remainder of the work. If you want to talk about cliche.. hurling words is, and I am sure you have the talent to say the same thing in a different way... even if only to twist that line. Supporting ideas above would in my mind to have shown how you tossed or threw things in play...which now..has turned to something less enjoyable... Just my thoughts... |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Martie - you're a sweetie...thank you my friend... Lady - it might not be what you are thinking here...hugs you...love ya... Cpat - More hmmmmmmmmmmmmms...hurling words is a cliche? You know - I LOATHE cliche...I am the most awful pouncer-onerer of cliche. To be told I have a cliche now likely means I will not sleep all night rotf (2am here). That said - I don't think it's cliched, but now I will worry... I also think 'tossing' imagery before hand would weaken the transition. It was a deliberate action not to have a direct link...no link underscores the feeling of the distance as similar to a shock of cold water. I truly feel any link would be overstretching if you know what I mean...hmm..looks like I'm arguing again heh. I'm not really - I actually really appreciate your thoughts... KI am a refugee of logic...insisting on unlikely land with every step. [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 07-19-2001).] |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
I do not think you arguing... I do think hurling words cliche...and I disagree with the idea not having the supporting images above adding to the distance..I think the poem is also about transitions and the way that things change..yet remain the same.. she is still your sister..and still you share the common history...showing how elements of that history have evolved or images from that history have evolved to mean different things is in my opinion..a way to add depth and meaning...it also does not in my mind weaked the idea of distance. It would if you consider for a moment make it more powerful. what was done in play now has turned to something else... we still hurl things now it is words poignent...perhaps? Oh... and please do not think I am arguing... I truly just think this poem one of the best I have read here...  [This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (edited 07-19-2001).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
AHHHHHHHHH BUT! But but but but (my, I admit without an ounce of shame, favourite word heh heh) - it isn't about my sister (don't have one)...it's about someone who is LIKE a sister. And the play happened as adults...so there is not such a heavy transition..yes yes...I can see perhaps how what is done in play becomes something hurtful/harmful. But that is still to me far too much of a strong binary opposition. If so used it would be too blatant. I'm a gal of subtlety you know lol. You will simply have to admit I'm right! ROTF. Hmm...perhaps there is a way to meet in the middle here... KI am a refugee of logic...insisting |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
My dear Lady.... It is your poem..and far be it from me to monkey with your subtleties... whether sister or friend..I still can not admit you are right..any more that you can admit I am..for it is indeed simply a matter of style and taste... all images and ideas can be presented inmore than one way. And as my grandad used to tell me "everyone has a right to an opinion, even if it is wrong" (laughing) perhaps I am wrong... but I doubt it ( ROTFLMAO ) |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
ROTFLMAO indeed! So we can agree politely to disagree...for now...while I plot and scheme to get you to see the error of your ways...er...I mean...to see it my way...heh ~evil scheming ensues~ Kps - your grandfather was wise... I am a refugee of logic...insisting |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
I warn you... The Scottish,Dutch and Native American heritage I have makes me extremely unlikely to be stubborn, I have on some occaisions, however, been known to hold my ground rather longer than is wise, just to be a pain... ( laughing) Yes..we shall agree to disagree.... my grandad also always told me "everyone has a right to be wrong" So I bow to your rights... (LMAO) |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey! That sounds suspiciously like...you saying I am wrong! Can't we just reverse that? So I win? Heh... (Oh and I have Irish in me - very stubborn people  ) Plus I'm a kiwi - stubbornist bunch of people on the planet...able to make fences out of coat hangers you know - with their bare hands!)I really am going now... K seven. |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Well now, that was fun, but getting back to the poem, I enjoyed it tremendously...at one point in time I thought it might be you and your mother's relationship...that as you grew you became more like sisters...but a friend like a sister...that's the only kind I can have, too. Yep, I enjoyed this and since I have a daughter that I giggle with like teens at times, that's probably why I thought the mother/daughter thing. You two can keep having fun babbling, but I'm just going to 'like the poem alot!' I'm a bit envious, too, that your work was so priceless enough to warrant such attention, oops, my slip is showing and I'm wearing shorts...no wonder! [This message has been edited by VAS (edited 07-19-2001).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I would love to rip away but I am speechless, K. Right now I am damn envious your writing, on content I am sorry that you drifted away from your friend, it is painful when this happens. I don't know the details of your fall off, but try to keep your heart open to your friend if possible. Take care, ok. |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
wow, this is powerful.....hadn't read one from you for a while, glad I found this.....really nicely done lady |
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shadow974 Senior Member
since 2001-06-21
Posts 636Michigan |
Excelent poem, it speeks of the heart of friendship and then of its posible demise. Powerfull!! Do not fear going forward slowly, |
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RMW Senior Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 1424 |
A lovely poem and a wonderful exchange. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Enjoyed reading this...James |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Kamla, It's so great to see you posting in open. I miss your poetry and I miss you. My computer's in the living room now so I can look out the front window, and I'm just sitting here waiting for Nan to pull up. I hope she's not lost!. THis should be a blast! Loved the poem Hugs Liz |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Oh.. by the way... while it is a work of art and one to be proud of... I am still right you know... Well... I am ROTFLMAO [This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (edited 07-19-2001).] |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Very impressive dear, as always seems to be the case with everything you do. Satpsych is the one word ( well to us it is a word..heh ) that comes to mind. Of course per your standing wishes I offer the following opinions. quote: What if the above stanzas were reversed? As in... Though I can’t see her - the sun is tilted at different angles in our separate skies – I know her expressions. She has a method of frowning: the mouth crinkles slightly, the eyes look inward. Her hair remembers the wind – it tries to find movement even when she’s still. On a lesser scale, I wonder if these could be combined somehow..though I imagine you wanted them this way for effect. quote: I particularly liked this quote: It leads perfectly into the rest of the poem, which is nearly all to my liking as is. Excepting (isn't there always at least one exception?..lol) quote: ..and perhaps I/we are wrong in feeling the opening line here is a bit cliched, and yes it does work well in the stanza,....but but but.. ( one of my favourites also ) knowing you I felt you would that pointed out.Scapping?? Not a word I know. Scrapping?-- quote: This closing actually brought tears to my eyes dear. One of your best IMHO. JHK>LK There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Mishtheelf Member
since 2001-07-10
Posts 68 |
Heh wow, these guys and gals are good critics I don't have much to add critically, so I'll stick to compliments! The descriptions, imagery, were wonderful. I could see her face as I read, yupyup. And I think anybody can relate to that cold shock of broken affections. I know I've written about it more than once. I enjoyed this very much. Thank you for sharing it with me Teddy |
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Flutterwings Member
since 2001-07-10
Posts 288Maine |
Well~ What can I add to all the comments above? UMMMMM ok.... I think this is a work of art... the discriptive adjectives makes this piece so interresting all the way.. It is like watching a video.... True friendship well sketched with much poetic finesse.  and applause  ((~.~)) |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
I like the idea of switching the first two stanzas. . . but, I'm not sure that you'll get the same emotional impact that you want if you do that. . . (wishy washy I know. . .but hey, it's a critque!!) But, I do want to look at this: quote: I'm not so sure about the voice in this one. . . my mind wants to read this as, "we'll remember how they were, those tiny days" or perhaps if you moved "those tiny days" into the next stanza. . . hmmmmmmmmmm. . . again, I leave to you my friend. . . this is finely crafted, and tells a story of two sisters who probably shouldn't be distancing. . . but are. . . -------------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
I wonder if Ron could fix it so those of who tend to forget to "add thread to library" can do it without making another reply.  HK>LK There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hon, this poem is so very moving, it really does tug at the heart. The title alone, keeps echoing through my mind, and the ending really crunches. But I am going to have to disagree with Jamie and Sven, I think the first two stanza's should stay the way you have written them, I read it as J and S suggested and it doesnt seem to have the same effect, doesnt grab the reader as much, well me. But thast's just me You are a superb writer hon and I love reading you as you know Always will. This was beautifully written.Maree hugs "little miss understood |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Excellent, Kamla, just excellent...wow! I agree with Maree...I read it both ways and somehow the way you had it had more of an impact on me. So very nice to see you again! |
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JLR Senior Member
since 2001-02-04
Posts 1785 |
First, I want to say that I think you, Severn have met your match in Cpat Hair. LOL! I don't agree that 'hurling words' is a cliche'...'hurling insults' is a cliche'. However, I do think that the last verse is too abrupt. I understand the then and now and have sometimes written in a similar fashion, where up until the last few lines things are one way...then a new reality. It is effective (or do I mean affective...I never get that right), but given the detail of the past, it left the present explained only by the reason of distance. If the quick change in style represented the parallel change in the relationship, then the intent is deliberate and profound. Truly enjoyed this! |
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SmittenKitten Senior Member
since 2001-06-20
Posts 1131where the sky and horizon meet |
I love this whole poem...my favourite part is this: the wind – it tries to find movement even when she’s still." This was a fantastic write. Full of vivid imagery and so much emotion. I think this is the first poem I have read by you and i can't wait to read more! Fabulous ~Krista  "Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Thanks all...no time right now for individual responses but I hope to do some soon... I'm truly glad you enjoyed this poem - and the critiques are all WONDERFUL! Thanks for the time you who critiqued me put in... later K |
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RSWells Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533 |
You're a good friend and a patient one. Sensitive to the pain of the distancing and hopefull of your friend's well being, even wishing gentler waves. Your friend will find her way back after her self discovery. Good write. "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to decieve" |
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WRBreezin Member
since 2001-08-04
Posts 212 |
If I feel left behind it is only fragmentary. Perhaps, outside the veins of our friendship, we’ll remember how it was, those tiny days: The set up and delivery of the above mentioned stanza set the stage for the glitter I found magnetic...purely compelling, in my mind. Greatly enjoyed. Willie |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
severn, i know you want comments that go beyond the usual "wow, gosh, this was beautiful" i have nothing constructive to say so my apologises i have felt compelled to print out one poem during my time at passions..this is going to be my second poem that i am going to print out... i hope that sounds like an enormous compliment because i mean it to be |
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Apachecat906 Member
since 2001-09-04
Posts 217Michigan, USA |
We laughed as children do – hysterically climbing in lifts, and huddling in movies like conspirators, whispering and annoying. She’d fold over herself in the kitchen, waggling utensils and forgetting the boiling water, while I recited jokes – extroverted. ========== I loved this stanza, especially the second part. What a wonderful image. Makes me want to call my best friend and somehow get back the need we used to feel for each other. |
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