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Open Poetry #15
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Breathe~
Member
since 2000-02-05
Posts 315
Washington...

0 posted 2001-07-19 02:11 AM


Warm sudsy water
soft music blending
with burning candles

I soak in the tub
wiggling my toes
waiting for tranquility

Not tonight...

Sinking down
my head submerged
in frustration


Images float with me
black and white memories
caught beneath my eyes

I am ridiculous in this tub
willing them to drown
knowing they won’t

Breaking the surface
I step out and let
another failure drain away


Who am I trying to fool
wrapped up in a towel
convictions dripping onto the floor


Night after night
I crawl into bed pretending
not to notice how empty it is


Covering my head…again
sanctuary beneath blankets
I hope

Not tonight...

Nostalgia creeps in like an
old movie, playing over and over
until  I cry myself to sleep

Waking later drenched in sweat
your pillow interwoven with me
and the emptiness of my heart

Another night slips away
laced with psychedelic dreams
and melancholy

I rise to the reality
that sometimes
love is not enough…


I love the time
and in between
the calm inside me
in the space
where I can breathe...

Sarah McLachlan

[This message has been edited by Breathe~ (edited 07-19-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Denise Blackwell - All Rights Reserved
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
1 posted 2001-07-19 02:53 AM


Breathe~
This is melancholy with the softest touch~

It's nice to see you.
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
                                 noles1@totcon.com              

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

2 posted 2001-07-19 06:06 AM


Breathe...you have some wonderful images here...like the dripping convictions - love that.

I wonder if it isn't just a tad too long? By too long I mean that parts of this seem to overstate - like this for example:

'How can life
can be so good
and yet so wrenching'

the next few verses serve to show the reader this, so there really isn't any need to tell us this at all...

thanks for the read  

K

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
3 posted 2001-07-19 08:57 AM


I will side with Little K here, in that I felt there were three good, maybe in four, good pieces here.  Little vignettes, if you will, of different parts of this character's day.  All would have stood alone...all would have given the same melancholy feel...

something for you to explore...

I too enjoyed the convictions dripping away, as well as

quote:


Breaking the surface
I step out and let
another failure drain away




Looking forward to more, and soon, please!



Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

4 posted 2001-07-19 09:02 AM


Nice images in this and overall a nice write.

I would echo the comments above in that it could be tightened up with a little different transition from one moment to the next.

Now having said that, I will also say find your own style and voice. IF this suits you... and to you it is the way it should be said... leave it as is and to the devil with people like me who would offer their opinions
                                        

inot2B
Member Elite
since 2000-09-18
Posts 2205
Arkansas
5 posted 2001-07-19 09:07 AM


So heart wrenching. You've have it all but the love that you miss so. Could feel your
lonliness through the whole poem.

Breathe~
Member
since 2000-02-05
Posts 315
Washington...
6 posted 2001-07-19 09:56 AM


Hey Marge!...*HUG*

For every one else, thank you so much for your comments and suggestions...I tried a couple of changes...Not sure what I think about them...but welcome any insight...

thank you again...

I love the time
and in between
the calm inside me
in the space
where I can breathe...

Sarah McLachlan

Saunni
Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 1777
West Virginia
7 posted 2001-07-20 03:50 AM


Indeed so lovely. I'm glad I read this one!  

Sauni

Sauni :)
Have you ever known the color grey when the nighttime finds you weak
I have, I've walked that road each time; that's where my angel sleeps

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