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Open Poetry #15
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Take these broken wings
| Open Poetry #15 |
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Take these broken wings |
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The Exile Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52Ontario, Canada 
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Mind is trapped again, in this bottomless well of pains, Searching still, searching but can’t find my way. Body is wounded again, bleeding in these cold, black chains, Fighting still, fighting but unable to escape darkness’ prey. Here’s no light but only the dark wind, Wind and no light in the chill of night, The night gently covered up tired souls, Which are the souls gone with wind, waiting for the light. Suddenly appeared O you - wounded bird, outta the vague of night, Slowly descending, landed on the edge of the ceiling. Badly you are bleeding, thought I, And these wings, they needed so much healing. “Tell me O’ messenger, bird who’s hurt, messenger still, What makes you bear this fiercely pain and fly?” Looking still into the sky, My messenger made no reply. With his wings wounded still, bleeding still, Flew back to night’s mysterious sky. If there’s hope I should search in my dream, Deep into the night one cannot help but to scream, Eyes are dried and face in the dark, If there’s only hope stored in my dream. “I will take these broken wings, I will take these broken wings and learn to fly!” |
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| © Copyright 2001 Alex D. Ni - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Flying high with this one, exile. Welcome to Passions!  |
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The Exile Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52Ontario, Canada |
Thanks Balladeer! This is one of my very first postings as a newbee here and i am really fired-up to see such a warm welcome and encouragement by a master-poet! It will be an essential part of my growing as a young lover of poetry having my works read and criticized by more experienced poets. In general, i just LOVE to hear ANY kinds of personal feedbacks from just ANYONE who loves poetry. As to the one posted above, do you think the form to some degree reflects the content or the two are rather of little relevence? Actually on the original draft i had a strictly written Shakespearian Sonnet, but i intentionally threw in the second and the second last stanza (which are heavily under the influence of one of my fav poems- "The Waste Land" by Eliot, see "V. What the Thunder Said") and the the short two-line question in the middle. It sort of made the whole thing more disconnected in form which hopefully allowed some more ground for self-reflexivity through it's form-content relationship. However, i had a feeling that there're still a lot of problems with my technical treatments of detail which make the poem sound somewhat umm... immature i guess. I really need a sharper pair of eyes to help me fix it! Cheerz! Alex |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Welcome to Passions... and this is wonderful...well written and creative theme carried thru out. A bittersweet write. I read your comments and if you want to get this given more heavy in depth critque, you might want to try posting in the Critical Analysis Forum, where they offer suggestions and opinions to fine tune. Take care jm When your own emptiness is all thats getting through |
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The Exile Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52Ontario, Canada |
Janet, Thanks for the compliment! [|8^) And i also appreciated your suggestion of posting it to the Critical Analysis (tho i am not entirely sure at this point what their policy is towards posting the same poem on different forums, i will find out) One thing, I just hope poets can be more encouraging, like the way it is in Open Poetry! I still got no reply so far to my first poem- the one i really liked a LOT which was posted there... but oh well, i guess good critiques come at a price of patience. :-) Again, thanks! Alex |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
nicely done... I enjoyed |
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