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Passions in Poetry

Tried a poem that doesn't rhyme, any comments are needed, thanx.

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ShadyMakaveli
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since 08-21-2002
Posts 129


0 posted 09-08-2002 11:27 PM       View Profile for ShadyMakaveli   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for ShadyMakaveli


To live life hold nothing back
You shouldn't have any regrets
Be true to yourself
There's nothing you can't do
For the world is at your finger tips
Confidence will carry you far
Uncertainty leads to failure
Know what you want
Take charge, aim high
Don't settle for less
Accomplish your goals
At whatever the cost
© Copyright 2002 ShadyMakaveli - All Rights Reserved
clve527
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since 07-08-2002
Posts 202


1 posted 09-09-2002 08:04 AM       View Profile for clve527   Email clve527   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for clve527

This is bordering on a cliche hallmark-esque write.  Actually it is.  It is good to write inspirational poems, but you need to shy away from things that have already been said.  The rule is usually if you've heard it before, don't use it.  Hope to see you try this without the cliches.

Good luck.

Casey
Allysa
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In an upside-down garden


2 posted 09-09-2002 10:45 AM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allysa

I agree with Casey.

You lost my attention after the first few lines.  Few people want to hear the same cliches repeated over and over again.  The poem lost it's focus in the cliches and it has potential without cliches.

Looking forward to a rewrite-

ich bin schwul, ich bin jüdisch und ein Kommunist dazu, Ich bin schwarz und behindert, doch genauso Mensch wie du ~Wizo

ShadyMakaveli
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since 08-21-2002
Posts 129


3 posted 09-09-2002 01:47 PM       View Profile for ShadyMakaveli   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ShadyMakaveli

thanx for the responses, i'm very new to this whole poetry thing, and am trying to learn as much as possible, thanx for the tips.
deadeyes
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since 11-07-2001
Posts 34


4 posted 09-10-2002 03:50 PM       View Profile for deadeyes   Email deadeyes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for deadeyes

Yeah this sounded like one of these classes where they try to give you morals that you're supposed to know by common sense. Yes it needs work..but don't confide on people to tell to it's perfect or not. Keep writing for yourself until you realize that your work is getting better.Then people like us can appreciate your work..but still not say it's good or bad. Anyways, don't worry aobut the cliches too much..even if ppl don't say cliched words doesn't mean they don't write about cliched themes..example poetry aobut llove. I say that if you write a poem on love,make it extremely original, because many people will say "O it's nice"..but that's it..it isn't amusing. So don't worry..many writers may have written much mroe than you but they still repeat themselves..and that's what's really wrong.

"Silencio..no hay banda..no hay orquesta."
"We hear a band yet we don't see a band". It is all a recording."
"Silencio. It is all an illusion".

 
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